For those of you who don't accept yourself for how you look

[charlieHungerford]

i.e. if there are things about your appearance that you feel really insecure and self conscious about and you believe you are inadequate and not good enough because of those things, would you accept yourself if you looked like other people with flaws?

I am not sure how clear my question is, I am basically saying that I don't accept myself for how I look even though I probably seen as an average looking guy because of some perceived flaws, yet at work there were 11 other men at work and all but 2 had 'flaws' in their appearance and I asked myself if I looked like all 11 of those other people would I feel the hugely negative way about myself that I do? And the truthful answer is that I would be insecure and self conscious if I looked like probably 8 or 9 of those 11 people IF I had the same background on those 'flaws' as I have done in the past - I was ridiculed, called names, put down, teased, insulted, etc so much over my high school years and in my later education years from time to time but not as frequent.

Don't get me wrong, I am not shallow or looks orientated whatsoever, I accept all of those people as being fine and good enough, I like almost all of them as people, but the whole point is that something is very wrong not with as specifically with how I look because it seems like I would feel that way if I looked like most people, but the problem is about believing I am not good enough for who I am - I have been somewhat brainwashed into believing I am just not good enough whatsoever - and 90% of that is because of how I look.

I don't fear negative feedback, sure I don't like it but I don't fear it. I fear women for example because I place zero value on myself, I believe I am simply not good enough, I am just crap, I am inadequate, inferior, etc to women - and because I place a fair and nice value on women - and if they seem nice for some reason I feel even more inferior.

So my question is - if you suffer extremely low self esteem with how you look - even if you are like me and make loads of effort with your appearance - i.e. I am in good shape, I am tall, I dress really smart, I have cool hair cuts, I have nice eyes, I am clean, etc, etc - do you feel that if you looked like anyone who also had flaws but who you accept as being fine and good enough - would you still not accept yourself? I would really like to hear anyone who suffers in a similar way. Its something I am really going to be working on in the next week.

 

[Kinetik]

I think it's a pure case of over-analyzing things. In my mind, it wouldn't matter how any of us looked because we'd still be stressing out in front of the mirror and wanting to look different. Visually, you're going to appeal to a percentage of people, and then there are a percentage who will find you nothing special. That's always going to be the case, no matter what you have to work with. As a guy, you could look like Johnny Depp, and you'd still wake up and go "shit, I'm only five foot six." Or you could swagger into some bar resembling Leonardo Dicaprio only to be shot down with "I don't go for pretty boys" by that attractive woman in the corner. So I think in that sense, there's always going to be something you're not happy with. Recognizing this can be a big part of overcoming any appearance-based insecurities, I think. Some will like you, some won't, no matter what you're sporting.

 

[charlieHungerford]

Yeah that is very true, I can't fault anything you write there. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. We all like different things, we all find different attributes attractive in people. The girl I think is so nice at work - she is really nice natured, well spoken, clever, I think she is pretty, but a good friend at work said to me he thinks she is a minger (ugly). So there is no right way to be.

But that is not what my problem is about. I do understand that what you say and believe it - I mean with god knows how many billion people on earth its just natural that a % of people will think a whole variety of things about me. I don't fear negative feedback. I don't like it but I don't fear it. My problem is that the negative criticisms I have received in my life - which at high school was non stop put downs on a daily basis, as well as suffering in college and sometimes even at university - has just lead me to believe I am a nothing. I seem to be aware of all my faults and because I was always ridiculed for all of my faults I have been brainwashed into believing that my faults basically define me as a person and that my faults are so terrible and that I am simply just not good enough. I feel so inadequate. I have deep rooted beliefs that everyone else is good enough to meet someone nice in life but not me. I won't have my picture taken because I feel like I am just too crap for words. Even though in a morning I often feel I look cool and good enough, I still feel so inadequate and simply not good enough to everyone else. I really do value myself as a zero when it comes to women, I feel like I am the most undesirable man in the world. I avoid women who I think are nice as I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel so incredibly inferior and inadequate that. Whereas men I am so much more confident as I have a lot of confidence in my personality and I don't feel inadequate to men as I am not placing value on looks and desirability of myself and the other person as I don't look at men like that, and therefore I feel equal and not inadequate. I make friends with people fine.

I will aim to analyse this totally next week when I am off, I am confident that I will soon sort this out. But its taken an interesting twist knowing that I would not accept myself if I looked like others who I accept as being good enough. The problem is something very negative on myself. I am going to have to work out what this is. Its a great challenge is overcoming SA, its like a rubix cube, but it is possible but takes alsorts of different twists.