For the first time I feel optimistic that I CAN recover!

[fibri]

I have a job that on the surface many people would envy. This month (OK, it's an exceptionally hectic month) I've been to the UK, Sweden and the Netherlands and tomorrow I'm going to Spain.

The last weeks have been torture. Each time I have to meet people, make small talk, have dinners... it is killing me. I've had to sneak off into quiet corners to breathe and stop the palpitations, or pretend I have work to do to give myself an excuse to go back to my hotel room early, so that I can be alone. The effort of "acting normal" is exhausting. The last months my anxiety has played havoc with my mind. The days before each trip are filled with pure dread, coupled with insomnia, so I'm physically exhausted too.

Yesterday I decided that - although I cannot think what other job I am qualified to do - the only solution was to quit my job.

This morning (I had taken a day off to try to catch up on my sleep) I started to google things like "I hate people" (I don't really, but I felt desperate) and one thing led to another and I "discovered" that I am not alone and going nuts.... other people suffer just like me and this thing I have even has a name! Social phobia! Just being able to put a name on this suddenly makes it seem manageable. I have spent the day surfing sp sites and checking out books. For the first time in years I feel optimistic and feel that maybe there is a chance that the future holds something better than continuing anxiety and increasing isolation.

I'm still freaked out about my trip tomorrow, but at least I feel that instead of being the straw that broke the camel's back (I've been fearing that the strain would be more than I could handle this time)... instead, it's a nasty chore I have to get through and when I come back I can start focusing on actually recovering from this condition that is ruining my life.

And it is wonderful to be here, to be able to voice these thoughts that I have not dared voice to anyone else, for fear of sounding insane, or of simply being judged as a "loser".

 

[flake__]

And THIS is exactly why the site does not 'suck huge donkey balls' :wink:

Good job fibri i had the exact same experience...just get through this trip and improvements to your life really are not far away...and feel free to vent whenever on forums there is lots of support here (despite what social retahd might say)

 

[desperate]

Fibri, welcome! The same thing kind of happened to me. Since the middle of high school I started blushing when I had to give a presentation, then later I would blush and sweat and now I think I sweat more than blush. In high school I googled it and I found hyperhidrosis but since the whole sweating thing doesnt happen to me all the time I thought that wasnt really my case. Just now this year on June or so, I was listening to this audio book for Toefl exam and there was this teacher talking to a class about social anxiety disorder. Oh, boy, I stopped the thing and played it again and cried like crazy. I just couldnt believe that such a thing would even happen to other people. It was good to know, but at the same time it kind of freaked me out.... since I always thought it was a childish thing and it was gonna go away with time as I become more mature. Well, I still dont let it stop me from living. The worst you could do is avoid what you're affraid of. I still got married (recently) and I try to handle meeting my hubby's friends (and believe it or not they love me) :roll: I work as a waitress, have a lot of friends (more back home than in the US) and try to keep my life as normal as I can. Don't let it win, ok? It's great that you discovered many of us suffer from the same unexplainable thing we suffer, but dont let it hold you back from doing anything. If you do that its gonna get worst. All my best to you, my friend, and welcome to the site. :wink:

I have a job that on the surface many people would envy. This month (OK, it's an exceptionally hectic month) I've been to the UK, Sweden and the Netherlands and tomorrow I'm going to Spain.

The last weeks have been torture. Each time I have to meet people, make small talk, have dinners... it is killing me. I've had to sneak off into quiet corners to breathe and stop the palpitations, or pretend I have work to do to give myself an excuse to go back to my hotel room early, so that I can be alone. The effort of "acting normal" is exhausting. The last months my anxiety has played havoc with my mind. The days before each trip are filled with pure dread, coupled with insomnia, so I'm physically exhausted too.

Yesterday I decided that - although I cannot think what other job I am qualified to do - the only solution was to quit my job.

This morning (I had taken a day off to try to catch up on my sleep) I started to google things like "I hate people" (I don't really, but I felt desperate) and one thing led to another and I "discovered" that I am not alone and going nuts.... other people suffer just like me and this thing I have even has a name! Social phobia! Just being able to put a name on this suddenly makes it seem manageable. I have spent the day surfing sp sites and checking out books. For the first time in years I feel optimistic and feel that maybe there is a chance that the future holds something better than continuing anxiety and increasing isolation.

I'm still freaked out about my trip tomorrow, but at least I feel that instead of being the straw that broke the camel's back (I've been fearing that the strain would be more than I could handle this time)... instead, it's a nasty chore I have to get through and when I come back I can start focusing on actually recovering from this condition that is ruining my life.

And it is wonderful to be here, to be able to voice these thoughts that I have not dared voice to anyone else, for fear of sounding insane, or of simply being judged as a "loser".

 

[shynobody2]

..

 

[fibri]

Thanks - I made it through the week!

Phew, last week was tough but I made it through and that is entirely thanks to the support I got in this forum, from you and on a couple of other threads. I am so grateful for this helping hand!

I spent 3 days in Barcelona at a conference. I was absolutely dreading it. I knew nobody except one of the organisers who I once spoke to on the phone. THere were a couple of hundred people there.

Still, I made it through. I managed by focusing on taking one step at a time. Get to the hotel, eat, sleep (I didn't sleep, though) then next morning I walked to the hotel where the conference was held. Walking makes me feel good and less "in my head" so it was a good start to the day. The hell parts of course were the coffee breaks and lunch. Not only did it freak me to start up small talk with people, but I wasn't even interested in the topic of the conference, so I was bored as well (Why I was there is a whole other story). I don't know how many times during those 2 days I repeated in my head "Other people have this too. I can talk about this in the forum when I go back. Look how good I'm managing so far." It was like a mantra that pulled me away from focusing on the unpleasantness of shaking, nervousness, and panicky feelings.

It all made me realise one important thing also. I may have social phobia but in fact I am not at all shy! I know many people here suffer from both. It helped me feel better that my problem is not so severe because at least I don't have to cope with that too. I have to deal with the anxiety of meeting people, but once I am in a conversation with someone, especially if it is work related, then I relax quite quickly. What I hate is the "anonymous crowd". But if I can break through that and talk to someone, then quickly I feel better.

The evening of the first conference day there was a cocktail reception but I chickened out of that and literally ran away as soon as the speeches were over. I wanted to rush straight back to my hotel and hole up there on my own for the evening but instead I forced myself to go sightseeing instead. I spent an hour walking round the old centre of Barcelona. Hated every minute though - after pulling myself through the day I just desperately needed to be alone in my room. But I did it and I was proud of myself for doing it!

Maybe some day I'll get to go back there with my husband and actually enjoy it