First Timer

[Unfufilled101]

I feel weird even sending this message out for the whole world to read. It was my birthday yesterday my 20th, no longer a teenager and it was dissapointing. Unfufilled. My mother (who is a counseller) told me today that my life is unbalanced which i know is true but it's hard knowing how to fix yourself. She'd talked to me before about social phobia but i wasn't really paying attention. I'm in my first year of Uni and i haven't made one friend yet. Because i don't know how. At first i was was saying to myself, i have to get out into the world and experience things and things will get better, always having ideas but never following them through. Can you believe i'm doing a module called 'talking to others : theory and practice' and i can't even do that. And then theirs group work thats the only time i communicate and even then it's not much, always thinking i'm gonna say something wrong or stupid and then when you do everybody stares. My coursework is based on a conversation!!! I was saying to myself i don't have this thing, then i looked at what social phobia was and i can recognize some of that stuff. But i've been like this since i was tiny, never really having friends, never going to a sleepover, or having someone to have a phone conversation with till i was in secondary school and even then only calling to find something about school, akward blank conversations. This is so long but it's better to let it out so i've been told and trust me there's about 20years full of shit blocked up in me so this is nothing , i mean thats literally my whole existence. Looking back at things , now knowing example my schools speech days hated them. you had to get up in front of a whole audotorium of people always shaking nearly shitting myself. i got a migraine than i panic attack, i was hyperventalating and crying and breathing out of a paper bag. One of my first and last kiddie parties at school migaraine, everytime after a holidayu when i go back to school or college and now uni 1st day always a migraine. My first entry is pretty long but i am in need of a loooooong spring clean. And i know people are always saying don't be negative but to experience positive you have to have something to compare it with , the negative. And if you can't be honest with your self then your sunk.

I just want somebody to hear me. So tell me what you think. Anybody. Everybody.

 

[va_boy]

Sometimes it might help just to act silly every once in a while, like in your groupwork just through out any random idea as a joke, and it might help you to overcome your fear of getting embarrassed.

 

[MeInTheCorner]

Happy belatd 20th birthday.

Being unfulfilled at 20 is not a bad thing. I doubt many people at that age are? Its great that you are at university - a big step for you to take - so well done for that. It must be nice having a counseller around to support you? she must understand a lot more than most. If you are looking for somebody to understand your SA then you have come to the right place! As the top of the page says - you are not alone. I wouldnt try to make friends, because then you will just be false and wont be yourself. Just relax and put yourself in situations where people will be friendly. Feel free to rant here though - as you say 20 years of keeping things blocked up inside you is a long time.

 

[Unfufilled101]

Thanx u guys, your comments have been comforting

 

[coriander1992]

Firstly, well done for getting to uni! That's a really big step for people like us
As for being unbalanced, the only thing you can really do is get out there and do more stuff!...which you sound like you are doing, even if you don't neccesarily realise it.
Have you any hobbies? Is there a club or a society for them at your university?...joining it may be a good way for you to make friends if you're seriously worried about that, but then it'll be hard if you have social anxiety!

I wish you all the best whatever you do!