inapinch81
New member
Hello! This is my first time posting on a website. I'm 28 and I've been suffering from anxiety for over half my life. I decided to join this board because I really don't know what to do anymore. I began to have anxiety and OCD at about puberty but just "dealt with it" for years before seeing a counselor at about 21. It helped for a time, but about 5 years later I split from my long-term boyfriend and I spiraled further, which prompted my doctor to put me on Lexapro. At first it was great. I experienced some minor side effects but my OCD became a distant memory, and my anxiety was much alleviated. The problem is that I just don't feel anything a lot of times. Just sort of numb, in addition to just feeling sluggish. Plus I gained over 20 pounds in the first year of taking it. I talked to my doctor's nurse and she told me to "just quit taking it." I knew better and decided to wean myself off slowly and get myself to Weight Watchers. I felt great at first - brain zaps, etc, but not too bad. Felt like I had a clear mind for the first time in a long time. Felt awake! But once the brain zaps subsided I became extremely anxious, almost unbearably so. Little things were making me mad and I felt so irrational and emotional and jealous. My friends were getting on my nerves severely, and I became paranoid about being talked about or how I was coming across. I can't stand a lot of people and I hate it. I run my own business and I literally groan when I see someone pull up to come in - and I depend on them for income! I always feel this way, even when on the Lexapro but it's better when I'm on it. Growing up I attended a tiny Catholic school my entire childhood with a lot of snobby girls who were your friend one day, and the next you were alone. I think this is why I'm so distrusting of friends and what they think of me and say about me, even though I know it's silly. I'm just extremely self-conscious and can be really quiet sometimes but I think I come across as just bitchy. I've always been great to boyfriends, and I'm crazy about my current one, but friends are somewhat more expendable, subconsciously. I know that sounds awful, and I feel like an awful person. I'm just so intolerant and I've burned a lot of bridges because I have no patience with friends. I'm not outwardly mean or anything but when people start causing drama or annoying me, I just run. Don't answer their calls, and ignore them. I haven't done this in awhile but I just have a hard time putting on a happy face and pretending to not have a problem, so it becomes obvious, and then I look like a bitch. I just feel like I'm constantly complaining and I hate it. So, I'm back on the Lexapro (5mgs, was taking 10 - 20) because things seem better on it than without it. I still feel at loose ends and disappointed in myself. I don't like that I'm this way. I just want to be a healthy, positive person. Why is it so hard?? Thanks for your time.
*big hug!*