First Post - Need Advice

Violaine

Member
Hello everyone! It's been hard to just introduce myself and participate in these threads but i really want to share my experiences and get feedback from people who understand. I am 29, still living with parents, currently unemployed as of 3 weeks, and is having a hard time quitting weed. I can date my SA back to 6 years old and I know it was somehow transferred to me by my parents(genetic, learned, whatever). I came to learn about this disorder in 2006 after a mental meltdown.

Other than not having a job and smoking too much, i'm also having a hard time with other things. I abruptly stopped speaking to my bestfriend of over 10 years for reasons i still can't understand. She's told me how concerned she is about me and my weed addiction and recommended rehab. The rehab talk freaks me out because that means i have to be around strangers. I know it's possible for me to quit and my life would be better but being a responsible adult truly scares me. So when i couldn't quit when i wanted to I couldn't handle the possible judgment and stopped calling. Anxiety has built up in me so much that it has been 2 months i've ignored her calls, email about her aunt who passed away, and avoided her after she contacted my family when she came in town during the historical election which we were both excited about. If that isn't evil enough, she stopped by the day after thanksgiving and cried to my family(of course i was off with my smoke buddy and was relieved to have missed the confrontation) i have yet to call. Emotions dont flow out of me so easily and i just don't know what to say to her. I'm shocked at my behavior but i know i am an avoidant personality and it really does spin out of control at times.

Everyone knows i've been hanging out on a daily basis for 7 months now with a guy (my smoke buddy) but i don't bring him around my family. My parents would probably enter me in a mental institute after that one. He's inching to 40, at home with mom, no job, no car, child support, and a wannabe famous musician. I've never been attracted to this guy and will never date him as far as i'm concerned. He's jealous, wannabe controlling, and has no problem asking to borrow money on a regular basis. Well im broke now and even though this guy works my nerves i still go around him everyday because we have that main thing in common. After 3 months of holding him off the jerk made advances on me while i was high and trying to take a nap at his house i gave in because i was horny and i don't have sex alot. But i still have never had intercourse with him and can't bring myself to french him. He's guilt tripping me with all these supposed love feelings but i just want a friendship or to run away. I didn't think i was settling because i am a free woman but my sister let me know that even though i wasn't officially dating him i was still spending all my time with him and not meeting new people. He actually just called me to entice me to come over by mentioning weed, i'm quite sure he knows he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if i was sober.

My bestfriend lives in DC and i'm in PA and my one cousin that i occasionally hang out with has dumped me a few too many times for random boyfriends so i can't count on her for comfort. Even though our relationship was not perfect, i really don't want to lose my friend. Does anyone have advice to help me redeem myself and end this unhappy cycle?
 
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