First friendship woes. Any tips?

Naesala

Active member
Hi people,

I have been going to school the past 3 years and over time a friendship developed between a femake classmate and me. We became attached quite quickly, but due to both her and my complaints the friendship has massive ups and downs. We both have Borderline in our diagnosis (mine was diagnosed only recently though, because it was hidden by my avoidant personality disorder), so we bothare liable to anxiety and emotional outbreaks, although hers are far more under controll. She has more friends, while for me its my first (i`m 33 years old). It puts a lot of fear in me that the friendship ends, especially intensely after we share a good day together. When this happens I lose all selfcontroll and break off the friendship, to come back to it later to apologize and try to mend what I`ve broken, but leaving her pressured and emotional. The thing is, I know I can trust her when she says she cares and is a true friend, but I think I don`t believe in myself strongly enough to be able to feel it.

Right now our friendship hangs in the balance because of an outburst of me scolding myself in front of her and telling her to run away while she can. In the end she did and after me apologizing for the millionth time, she said she needs time to ecide if she can keep this going. Its been a week since I heard from her and last I heard from her, she said she really wasn`t sure she could go on with this, which is killing me.

I don`t know how to deal with the intense emotions and running away like I always do leads to uncontrollable panic, suicidal thoughts and otherwise destructive behaviour (no sleeping, overmedication, closing social doors (like I deleted my Facebook page and all adresses and phonenumbers of former classmates), etc.)

When I do try and feel the pain, it kills me. I only can talk to my sister, but /i don`t want to drag her down with me, like I feel i'm doing with my friend. She herself has a lot of worries as well, not to mention joint care of our parents, who are always causing problems due to alcoholism and fighting.

I have a therapist, but only see him once a month, even though he is good, my friend feels like the only one who truly understands what I`m going through. I dont know what to do. She means to much to me and losing her would be disastrous. What can I do to keep myself in check and/or make sure I will not selfdestruct myself out of the friendship. Am i just not ready for a friendship? Should I let her go for her own happiness?
 
It puts a lot of fear in me that the friendship ends, especially intensely after we share a good day together. When this happens I lose all selfcontroll and break off the friendship, to come back to it later to apologize and try to mend what I`ve broken, but leaving her pressured and emotional.

As you both experience BPD, then maybe with that mutual understanding you can discuss with her what's happening in your thoughts about this and start to experiment with some alternatives - work towards not giving to feeling you need to break it off?
 

Naesala

Active member
As you both experience BPD, then maybe with that mutual understanding you can discuss with her what's happening in your thoughts about this and start to experiment with some alternatives - work towards not giving to feeling you need to break it off?

Yeah. I can discuss it when I`m rational when those emotions aren`t present, but the second they stir up, they completely overpower me. Afterwards I can analyse what I did wrong, but not when it is starting.

I`m afraid by making her my mentor of sorts in this, I`m pulling her to much towards a role as therapist. Then again, by keeping it in I kinda do the same thing, even though thats never my intention. Its really tricky.

We do talk about what happens, but even with her knowing where it comes from, it does hurt her feelings, hearing me break it up with her and completely bashing myself.

Thanks for your advice. It does help she recognizes it, I think if she wouldn`t she would have abandoned me already.
I think I will discuss it further with my therapist, I`m starting new treatment and I can maybe instead of automatically searching contact with her, discipline myself in contacting someone else, like my sister. Well she is the only option, haha. But its so hard, because the mindset I have no vaporizes when I`m completely emotional. Sigh.
 
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