Feeling Unwelcome

[Anonymous]

I always feel unwelcome and like people don't like me...even if people seem nice to me I always think they're just faking it and that they're really thinking "I hate her!"...actually I know for a fact that alot of people don't like me.

I used to think along the lines that SA was a problem mostly in my own mind..that I was reading negative things into other peoples words & actions..& I had to work on ignoring these negative thoughts & realise it was all in my head.
I used to read comments like the above by lil'miss & think it was just SA talking.
But recently I had an experience where I had to deal with a group of new people...& I could hear them talking about me all the time...& whereas I thought people might not think anything about me either way because I don't interact much........I was soooooooooooo wrong & I found out people actually HATED me...said as much & called me an ugly evil bitch....among Lots of other things.

So now I think its not all in my own mind...I'm not misreading other people...people are quite often nasty & do pick on the weak.
Its knocked my confidence even further down...but I'm trying to get over it by thinking... I don't have to change my mindset.....I just have to toughen up.

Hi Blubs,
My thoughts are that your SA isn't so much about you reading and anticipating negative evaluation and rejection -so much as your need to be accepted by others. You rely upon others accepting you in order to know you are worthwhile. So whether it is that you worry and are anticipating the worst first to then get negative receptions from others, or whether it is just that others call you names and reject you for no reason -I am thinking that your SA is all about needing others to approve of you. THat Who you are is ALL about what others think. That you give them all the power in judging who you are and whether you are worthwhile. And instead you should do your best to approve of your self, so that even when people receive you negatively you will not be phased by them -maybe they are the ones more desrving of bad names and insults! ...what gives people the right to talk about you in front of you?

So, my thoughts are that it all comes down to your need to have people validate you. That what people say and seem to think about you is somehow what you think is the truth of you (...this, I suggest, is a result of having a highly sensitive personality that reacts more to people and their situation. )

But one example that I can give: I used to get nervous standing in line at the cash register and so self-concious and nervous that I struggled to shake this off. But one day I got some insight and I told my self: I will accept my self as shy and nervous so that it doesn't matter whether people ridicule or reject me; because even if they do I'll keep some part of myself for myself. And I'll accept that I am shy and nervous that way I don't feel so reliant upon people to accept me and not reject me. I won't need them to do this so much. And it helped me feel more calm and I was less nervous and anxious and instead perhaps just a little shy.


....anyhow, I say all of that with full knowledge that it is just the start and that I have a fair way to go yet.

 

[Anonymous]

Actually Blubs, I was so quick to respond to your post that I missed the last line -and it seems that we agree! It has very much to do with caring too much about what others think, being really sensitive and relying on others approval instead of saying: "I'm going to approve of who I am instead". ...that sounds a bit wanky maybe, but I don't care. Being really really sensitive is tough going!

 

[blubs]

yeh...there's probably alot of truth in what you say. I (& maybe other people with SA?)..have always seen myself only as I think other people have seen me. & I always fall short of other people's expectations in my own mind. I feel like this about my personality..& my looks.
I've never had any sense of right to ownership of myself..or my own life.
I think it's from coming from a family where there was no respect for each other...& as the youngest I was always bottom of the pile. ...& was expected to endlessly do stupid errands for lazier folk...
So I never had any sense of doing things for myself..or of looking after myself.
On top of this..I was critisised alot...& my family expected me to do really well at school etc. Not for myself...but because they like one-upmanship with people they know...When I started failing things..they just disregarded me..instead of helping.

So anyway...sounds like I'm ranting...I'm not ( though I could all night :lol: ) I just think you made a good point about the way I am...& so maybe the way other people with SA are too?

I just hope that now I'm in my 30s...it's not too late for me to get a sense of value for my own life...

sorry if this has gone slightly off the point of the thread

 

[Ems]

Hi Guys,

I have had the same problem where I have felt unwelcome and I have realised that it is other people's hang ups, honestly, and I'm not just saying that. There are a lot of people who get jealous and are bitchy ie if you are a woman, another woman or group of woman get nasty. I have learnt that you cannot control how people react to you or see you (and believe me it has taken a LONG time) If you are a good person who has nothing to feel bad about then it is their problem. Don't blame yourself like I have done all my life. I now realise that if you are yourself and are a good person be proud of that. Also let go of control. If people like you they do but if they don't then that is their problem. I am not saying I am totally over feeling this way. I do feel that people have a problem with me for no reason at all, but I think we just have to be happy with ourselves, and I am trying to believe that every day. It is hard sometimes, some days are better than others but please try everyday. It will get better. I still feel that some people don't like me but I am a nice person and so I have nothing to feel guilty about, it is in their court. I have tried to let go of feeling that I need to control what people think of me ie a people pleaser and just be myself. That is all I want to do now and I hope you do too. Please reply.
xxx

 

[Skog]

I'm glad some monitor got rid of most of those medication ads that were filling up the space. I wish the others would get removed, too. I see some actual reply posts are now showing up again.