It's hard to explain. 2 years ago friends of this guy would come up to me making fun of me for things I hadn't done yet. They would talk about a dog I now have, and things I'm now doing which include the smallest details like how I put blueberries in my cearal and how I'm being a hypocrite by not drinking milk but still using half and half. At the time I drank milk and didn't put fruit in my cereal. I ignored them not believing that any of this would happen. They told me the mind reader knew how bad I wanted to win this art award and he helped me win it by giving me images to help me (he's an artist as well.) I didn't believe anyone helped me when I won it. I became over confident and didn't fulfill the promises I made to myself in my head (That he heard me make.) After graduating I wasted a lot of time and money. I was lazy and continuing to use drugs. This past December I went over this guys house because he said he was inviting me to be in an art show with him. The mind reader was there and he put me in a trance where I did embarrassing things and said embarrassing things. He got me to quit smoking weed and I broke up with my boyfriend. I think as punishment he told me my future of this entire year, day by day but then made me forget so that it feels like de ja vu. It doesn't make sense how he could even do that in a span of 2 hours. I don't expect anyone to believe me. I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't happening to me. I can't take the depression of how my life is now (living with parents, no job, no social life and every day feeling like de ja vu.) I wish I knew for certain that death would be a release of what I'm going through and that I wouldn't end up in a worse state. I want to drink but I know he told me not to and it doesn't help. He even told me my dreams I would have so sleep is even de ja vu. My life has turned into a living nightmare. I can't talk about this with anyone because they think I'm crazy. All I can hope for is that I think he only told me about this year but the following year a whole bunch of bad things are going to happen like maybe my dogs death, and my mothers death. I keep trying to tell myself that death is part of life and that I have to accept what happens. I hate the deja vu but I'm trying to just accept it and ignore it. What worries me most is how often people said I was going to hate myself. I don't hate myself entirely yet. I want to die because of fear of what is to come but not our of self hate. I don't hate anyone or myself. I hate how my life is. I think I could deal with how my life was if I didn't know I was going to beyond hate myself in the future. The de ja vu makes me feel like whatever I do, is what was going to happen, and that I'm walking towards hating myself in the future.
