Fear of speaking

[charlieHungerford]

This time I understand my fear of speaking. I have probably said this before or others have but forgot about it as I was working on something else.

The fear of speaking is not about a fear of speaking as such, its a fear of speaking when anxious.

Speaking is not what I fear or triggers the fear and I would be surprised if you do either. I can speak fine when by myself or around family and friends or around people I feel safe and in no danger around. Anxiety is not triggered around such people or situations that I am happy and feel fine in and am in no danger around.

However, when anxiety is triggered by a person, task or situation then for us who fear speaking - the symptoms of anxiety such as heart beating fast, shortness of breath, severe butterflies, excess saliva in our throat, etc (you know the symptoms) - this is what triggers the fear of speaking because we fear speaking when feeling like that, because we are scared we cannot speak due to the symptoms.

The fear of speaking therefore is triggered by anxiety linked to the situation, person or task - i.e. if you are around someone you are anxious around you will definitely have a fear of speaking in that situation.

To overcome the fear of speaking therefore requires desensitising the person, situation or task, etc that you are in that triggers anxiety. If you are calm you will not fear speaking.
But also I believe if you can learn to not be afraid of the feelings of anxiety then you will be able to overcome the fear of speaking because you will not be afraid of speaking if you believe you can handle the fear.

That has got to be right?

 

[garnet]

Hi charlieHungerford,

I totally agree with everything you have just said.

''To overcome the fear of speaking therefore requires desensitising the person, situation or task, etc that you are in that triggers anxiety.''

What I was wondering is how can we set about desensitising these situations? I attend CBT and the therapist is very nice, but now Im even starting to get anxious attending our sessions because I'm beginning to associate the therapist with my phobia...do you know what I mean?

 

[charlieHungerford]

Hi Garnet,

Thanks for replying. Its a good question about desensitising these situations, I really wish I knew, I wrote about this on my latest post on 'what is the link between people we are anxious around' - in particular my second post.

I do feel that the fear of situations has just gone totally to pot. I mean my fear has developed very rationally and for real reasons - i.e. ridiculed and laughed at lots over a speech impediment made me anxious and self conscious of speaking out loud because I feared more ridicule, I then had terrible experiences of public speaking because of the huge anxiety - I went to pieces and a nervous wreck having panic attacks, I then avoided them and got drunk when I couldn't avoid them. More bad experiences has left me with such a terrible fear - the fear of the situation now doesn't justify what the worst can happen - i.e. the worst being that I sound really nervous and struggle to get my words out and go to pieces. I mean for sure it will be humiliating but people will just see I really lack confidence thats all and I find it so hard, but if they knew my story behind my fear they would understand.
I think that this fear has just gone totally to pot, its not a realistic fear whatsoever, which really makes me think that fears need evaluating - I think a full analysis of these fears need analysing. I think for starters I should stop feeling like I am a freak for having these anxiety problems because realistically I should not be ashamed of how I feel, I believe I am the victim of those people who made my life a misery at high school, because before then I could do 'public speaking' fine with no anxiety.

It has got to be time to re-evaluate the fears compared to worst case scenarios. I was thinking of visioning the worst case scenarios time and time again as well as past traumatic experiences and try and get into a frame of mind where I can see it light heartedly and not fear it. Things have to be brought back in line.

As for your anxiety around your therapist, hmmm that is interesting. I would have thought it would be the opposite as you would recognise her as someone who is helping you and not to be afraid of. I really don't know what to say about that. Is it definitely with her that you anxious about or is it that you are dealing with really sensitive issues that you have probably not really talked about before?

Keep up your good work!

 

[garnet]

Hi charlieHungerford!

No, I think the problem is that I can remember just how anxious I was when I went for my first session, and so whenever I go into that building, I associate the surroudings with the intense anxiety i used to have. Just like when you hear a song, it can remind you of a special place, time or person. I have been thinking about it, and i now believe that its not actually going to see the therapist that makes me feel a bit jittery, but actually the building i go into because it brings back memories of how anxious I used to be. But I think i will work on this and try to change my perspective of this...after all, I'm going there to get help, and there is absolutely no logic in fearing it. And i've made much improvement since that first session, so instead I need to associate the building with memories of my successes since.

I am slowly coming to realise that the main thing is to recognise that at the beginning of a talk, I will be terrified...but to try and accept that fact. I become focused on the symptoms of the anxiety when they arise and it leads to a vicious cycle. Next time it happens i will remind myself that this is only natural, accept that the symptoms are there, and continue focusing on the task at hand - showing people all the hard work I have put into preparing the talk.

Thanks for your reply, and I wish you all the best.

 

[JamesMorgan]

''To overcome the fear of speaking therefore requires desensitising the person, situation or task, etc that you are in that triggers anxiety.''

Where do you perceive other people, situations or tasks?

We all know when anxiety is present in our minds, we can feel it and more often than not it makes us frightened.

The appearance of people, situations, tasks and so on can trigger our mind state of anxiety because our mind has learnt to react in this way. When anxiety is present, anything we do seems like we're walking on broken glass. Our minds internal path is one of pain. And from within our mind, we need to change the direction of where it takes us. So we dont feel the sharp cuts of anxiety's presence.

I feel that we need to remember whats 'below the surface'. For example, on the surface of the ocean, there are many waves which are huge and powerful, smashing and crashing, yet below the surface much further down is a stillness, an openess, which is vast.

From the perspective of desensitising other people, we just need to remember that they too 'below the surface' are the same as us and we can relate to them and ourself in this way instead of seeing the huge waves of ourself and others. Basically we can start to relate to others in a much calmer way, when we feel anxiety or are scared, we can see this as the waves of my mind, usually brought on by contemplating the waves of others minds, but below the surface is closer to who i am. If we are scared or frightened this means our awareness is floating on the surface not taking advantage of our entire ocean like mind, which is vast and when we check, below the surface, it is calm and still. Only when these waves start crashing do we start to feel sea sick and we dont feel 'ourself' because calm and stillness is actually closer to who we are. We dont feel ourself when we are anxious do we?

Trusting that this stillness and calm is there when afraid or anxious takes much courage and experimentation, no need to be smashed by the waves when all one needs to do is look 'below the surface'. Then all that needs to be done when you are afraid is not buying into the panic of not being in control, when control and calm are already available when we look in the right place. Further down entering the calm of your real self.

Why listen to the crashing waves?

James