im a funny mix of things. i have been a therapist for over 15 years, but i am also socially anxious. i see people individually and with families but i have NEVER done a therapy group, because of my own anxiety.
i also have ocd, so i obsess about every action or word i say in front of others.
if i wasn't on medication, i would still be socially phobic. im 47, and so i have had a long time to work on this.
in some ways "just living your life" is good advice. but you need several bridges to get from here to there. it isn't a well marked road and medication is the only real shortcut. now, by 47, i AM mostly just living my life. that took a long time to get to, and it was definitely worth the work.
these are things that have helped me-
deciding to accept that when i do decide to take some risks, i may likely fail, but i will still survive it, just like i have all my other long list of mistakes and failures. i try to see it as experiments. i have even learned to laugh at myself, and that helps a lot. laughing is so much less painful that beating myself up for hours.
when i do things out of the usual social norm, i decide to look at myself as creative and avant-garde rather than a freak.
about the beating myself up- i have also come to realize that most people are so stuck in their own little neurotic bubbles, that they really don't even remember what you said. and those that do remember- really need to get a life.
"its gone- its passed, nothing you can do now." is how i avoid beating myself up.
"exposure" has to be on your own terms. if it didn't work at all, it likely wasn't designed effectively.
start by taking VERY tiny risks first. (you cant let others decide how big your steps should be.) it may start with just simply deciding to make eye contact with people you pass in a hall. or deciding to make eye contact and smile when you say "thank you" to the lady at the store. (i remember doing this for a while, then vacillating with withdrawing and feeling like a failure. the trick is to not give up.) then slowly move to other steps. making small talk with people who look harmless, like little kids and the elderly. this is best on a bus or in a waiting room, because you can do it in small doses.
you may also find that your real comfort level is not where other people think you should be. im still quiet and im totally ok with being a quiet person. i reject other people's interpretations. if youre quiet you must be
stupid or unassertive. i talk when i have something to say and not until then. if that makes people uncomfortable, then maybe THEY have some issue to deal with.
i have learned to look at the anxiety as a biological thing that my body does. somehow for me, it is easier to put into perspective. i have learned to totally avoid panic attacks this way. i tell myself "your body is just doing that thing again." and then i ignore it. it ends quicker.
in the past, i used PRN anxiety meds to help desensitize me. i have a prescript for zanax for many years. i did not take it daily. it is highly addictive. instead i took it during times that i would normally be horrified. initially that was when at work, when i knew there would be a meeting where we had to go around the room and simply say our names. i slowly reduced the zanaz each time until i could do it on my own. i have done the same thing with having to give talks and court testimony. in these situations, i found something out for myself that i think anyone else in the world would learn: im totally competent and intelligent. the only thing that really impairs me is the anxiety ITSELF. i can now say my name in a circle without any terror at all. and i now also always make a wisecrack, as well. i would still use a tiny does of something (i use inderal now) for court or public speaking.
i also have used medication in different ways. antidepressants help a lot. i have gone to higher doses (for ocd) and found that i am less inhibited around others on higher doses. i went on and off medication for years, because people around me thought that was a "cop out." but i have totally wasted years from being off medication and becoming so stuck that i wasn't even living. so i wont go off again ever.
i have learned to say "**** it" about other people's opinions about what i should do. at first you don't even believe what you're saying, but if you tell yourself that on a consistent basis, you start to "get" it.
i also want to mention that i tried the recreational drug route when i was younger. i dont regret it. it was an interesting experience, but it never helped with this stuff.
i also have my own permission of whether i want to:
participate or not
attend social functions
respond in a way that others expect
talk
be around others
go out at all
(this is hard if you are in a family that has expectations of you. they may say that they understand but then want you to do things that feel are impossible to you. if you can draw your own limits without being tortured by them, do so)
one other funny development, is that i have started telling people why i wont do things. my coworkers know why i wont do the therapy groups. i say, no, i dont do that. i have social anxiety and doing it isn't worth the trouble it will cause me (like missed sleep, etc) i also have a list of shortcut responses like "im just not tall enough for that ride" and "that just aint happening, sister."
its interesting how many people will then tell you about their own social anxieties. i have also found myself coaching coworkers on how to set their own limits around these things.
i know i went on and on. i hope something in there might be helpful.
