Expecting too much.

[EscapeArtist]

Need some help guys. I don't know how not to expect things, of myself, of other people.

I stopped expecting that everybody was thinking badly of me, but the only way to do that was to expect that people are thinking good things about me. And I'm now expecting too much from them, rather than too little. It leads to the same situation: self defeat. Because, nobody pays me any attention either way! Major let downs all day.


edit: I guess you could call this wanting to "remove hope". Hope is an addiction.

edit edit(perfectionist): I realize that people are more consumed in their own lives, but there's a part of me that hopes I'm getting as much attention as I give to others.

 

[kihira]

Hmmm..whats an example, so that I'm clear on what you mean?

 

[coyote]

try to let go of expectations

things will unfold as they will - as the universe sees fit

better to not expect a specific outcome

then you can be pleased with whatever happens

because that was what was meant be

whereas your expectations were not

 

[EscapeArtist]

Ok ... hmmm... Ok let's relate it to something we were just speaking of. Picking up garbage. Because a lot of my anxiety is fading, I was afraid but hopeful that somebody would speak to me, or admire what I was doing openly. More than hoping, I was expecting it. I come back home and realize it did not happen, and it leads me to feeling very badly about myself.
Irrational thoughts keep telling me that the world would be more welcoming once I did some healing time. Now i'm expecting as much from everybody as I do from myself (I expect a LOT from myself, especially now that I'm healing and can trust myself!! Aagh)

 

[coyote]

just do things to do them

not to achieve a desired outcome

not to derive a particular benefit

concentrate on the doing

whatever happens - that's what you get

it's like opening a package on christmas morning

even if it turns out to be socks - it's still a gift

enjoy it

 

[EscapeArtist]

try to let go of expectations

things will unfold as they will - as the universe sees fit

better to not expect a specific outcome

then you can be pleased with whatever happens

because that was what was meant be

whereas your expectations were not

Although I understand what you're saying, and I agree (although not about external locus of control/universe unfolding things) I don't know how to go about changing this.. Deep rooted.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Wow my replies are late . (SELF CRITICAL..)

 

[EscapeArtist]

I try and focus on the doing, I try very hard. And it appears that I do well with that, I get through the thing without these expectations. It's only once I get back that I realize I had them, and that I am let down...=/

 

[coyote]

you just have to let go

I say "just" - but I know it's one of the hardest things to do

all that you can control is what you think and do

other people's thoughts, actions, and reactions are outside your control

the spinning of the planet and all the life on it are outside your control

everything beyond this world is outside your control

how can you possibly predict or expect what will happen next?

let go of trying to control it - you can't

trust that it will all turn out they way it is meant to

 

[EscapeArtist]

Sorry I post a TON. Just thinking out-loud.

Maybe this has more to do with wanting something, but not being honest to myself about WHAT I want. Believing I don't want something because of the false belier that I can't have something. And then, that part of me is desperate and I try and fill that by ignoring it and replacing it with things that seem more acceptable, and easier to obtain, while really that secret want is at the back of my mind and screaming. It gets its hopes up, when really the, bynow, demand, is subconscious and completely irrelevant to the situation at hand

I think i just needed to think outloud lol...Thanks. And coyote, helpful. You're right

 

[coyote]

I try and focus on the doing, I try very hard. And it appears that I do well with that, I get through the thing without these expectations. It's only once I get back that I realize I had them, and that I am let down...=/

that's when meditation helps

clear the mind

make it habit to let go of thoughts you don't need

you don't need them, because they don't serve you

you're just used to having them

your suitcase full of junk that you don't need anymore

let it go

 

[EscapeArtist]

^ Yes!! That's a great idea!

 

[coyote]

Sorry I post a TON. Just thinking out-loud.

Maybe this has more to do with wanting something, but not being honest to myself about WHAT I want. Believing I don't want something because of the false belier that I can't have something. And then, that part of me is desperate and I try and fill that by ignoring it and replacing it with things that seem more acceptable, and easier to obtain, while really that secret want is at the back of my mind and screaming. It gets its hopes up, when really it is completely irrelevant.

I completely understand - I do the same thing

well, they say that desire is the root of suffering

so try to reduce desire altogether

not so easy in the land of cheeseburgers

maybe try to replace desire with action

just do stuff and see what happens

or do nothing and see what happens

 

[EscapeArtist]

I completely understand - I do the same thing

well, they say that desire is the root of suffering

so try to reduce desire altogether

not so easy in the land of cheeseburgers

maybe try to replace desire with action

just do stuff and see what happens

or do nothing and see what happens

Hmmm reducing desire.. yes that would be the root. It is hard when what you desire is the feeling of importance.. doing things. Making myself feel important. Makes sense

 

[Confuseddd]

Need some help guys. I don't know how not to expect things, of myself, of other people.

I stopped expecting that everybody was thinking badly of me, but the only way to do that was to expect that people are thinking good things about me. And I'm now expecting too much from them, rather than too little. It leads to the same situation: self defeat. Because, nobody pays me any attention either way! Major let downs all day.


edit: I guess you could call this wanting to "remove hope". Hope is an addiction.

edit edit(perfectionist): I realize that people are more consumed in their own lives, but there's a part of me that hopes I'm getting as much attention as I give to others.

dude thank you i did the exact same thing except i didnt even realize it. i would get let down by people and i didnt get why i "seemingly" went from one extreme to another.

 

[coyote]

Hmmm reducing desire.. yes that would be the root. It is hard when what you desire is the feeling of importance.. doing things. Making myself feel important. Makes sense

rather than grasping at importance

do things that are important to you

 

[EscapeArtist]

dude thank you i did the exact same thing except i didnt even realize it. i would get let down by people and i didnt get why i "seemingly" went from one extreme to another.

Hey Maybe we can figure this one out together.

 

[kihira]

Ok ... hmmm... Ok let's relate it to something we were just speaking of. Picking up garbage. Because a lot of my anxiety is fading, I was afraid but hopeful that somebody would speak to me, or admire what I was doing openly. More than hoping, I was expecting it. I come back home and realize it did not happen, and it leads me to feeling very badly about myself.
Irrational thoughts keep telling me that the world would be more welcoming once I did some healing time. Now i'm expecting as much from everybody as I do from myself (I expect a LOT from myself, especially now that I'm healing and can trust myself!! Aagh)

I admire you for cleaning up rubbish. Imagine if everyone in the neighborhood did this once a week! People are very reticent these days about talking to strangers, but I'm sure you were looked upon favorably.

As a comparison, with my outdoor hobby I would always expect people to comment negatively to me, yet over a few years this only ever happened one time and from a distance. Most people ignored me and a few asked about it with interest. My expectations were wrong.

Coyote is right, at best don't hold expectations; if you do have an expectation, then anticipate the likelihood of disappointment.

 

[Confuseddd]

Hey Maybe we can figure this one out together.

oh man i hope so, you brought me one step closer it felt like just now. understanding is a big part of solving right? heh

 

[EscapeArtist]

still thinking about this one.

i think i changed the wrong part of "everybody is thinking negatively about me". I changed it to "everybody is thinking positively about me" rather than "Nobody is thinking about me". This might also be me needing to accept that I am completely alone and that is how it will always be. I have to give myself what I seek, including importance and appreciation.

Also I should be treating people like an alien life form that I can't possibly know about enough to expect from, not like they're all myself. Just because they take a similar appearance and can do as I do does not make them like me.