end my pain

Emma

Emma

Well-known member
I would like to know what my exact purpose for being alive is, am I here just so people can watch me suffer and feel better about themselves knowing they aren't me?
I have nothing and no-one who cares, I am truely alone in this world....I don't know what I could possibly have done to deserve this. I am not good looking at all....people comment on how ugly I am all the time, I am not a smart person....I'm 20 years old and I have never had a job...no-one will give me a chance because I am so quiet....I have no friends, I lost my boyfriend because I am so shy....I would do anything to have him take me back....but he doesn't want anything to do with me....he knew I loved him, why wasn't that enough? Why am I still alive, I just want to end it all and go to a better place, I resort to scratching my arms with a pencil sharpener blade when I'm depressed, before I go to sleep every night I pray that I won't wake up in the morning.....why can't I have the life everyone else has, why do the meanest people seem to get the most out of life? All I ever wanted was someone to give me a chance and it's not happening....why can't I just leave this world? :cry:
 
Shonen_Yo

Shonen_Yo

Well-known member
I think I'll be taken the pencial sharpener way out soon enough myself. For my own mental health, I think I need to leave school. I can't stand being alone or with anyone close.

I just want to live on the island with a few people I can cope with. :cry:
 
babel

babel

Member
Emma
I wish I had the right words to say to you at this moment, but I dont. Telling you that it does not matter what others think would not cut it either b'cos we live in a world where things like that do matter...OR APPEAR TO MATTER.

Life can appear gloomy if you continue to see it that way. PLEASE STOP HURTING YOURSELF. IT WOULD NOT MAKE THINGS ANY BETTER. IT CAN'T.

I cannot believe you would actually take your Bf back after all he put you through!!!!! Why Emma :roll: Do you secretly enjoy the pain of rejection from him??

These people hurt you b'cos you let them.....they need to feel some sense of power themselves and the only way they can is to bully others. The more they succeed the bolder they become and the weaker you become.
Emma...no matter what you think and feel...you don't have to take it. START LOOKING FOR STRENGTH WITHIN YOURSELF INSTEAD OF OUTSIDE.
IT IS THERE IF YOU TAKE THE TIME TO LOOK WITHIN. You will be surprised just how strong you really are and how weak they are (b'cos they need you to be strong...without you they are nothing)
Believe me this is true

Hope this helps a bit. :) :)
 
Emma

Emma

Well-known member
It's not that I secretly enjoy being rejected by him, it's more that I don't want to be alone....I have no-one else, and he was the only person that pretended to care about me.
I only hurt myself because I don't have anyone to talk to....I guess I must be stronger than him then if he can't put up with me because I'm shy....he's obviously weak and self centered if all he cares about is what other people think of him when he's with me....maybe I should go and think about that
 
thetaomega

thetaomega

New member
You're not alone....

Dear Emma,

First and foremost, I want to tell you - you are not alone in this world. There are other people in the world who are or have gone through a similar period in life as you are right now. And indeed - looking through some of the other posts you've made on the board, it seems to me that you've found a sympathetic audience who are doing what they can to help you.

It is indeed a very difficult time for you, and I can empathize -- I've gone through some difficult times myself, too. I too am very quiet and painfully shy, particularly in social non-work-related settings, and I personally find interpersonal relationships to be very complex and often difficult to navigate through successfully. Furthermore, my father recently suffered from a debilitating stroke, making me often question the purpose of life and why it has to be so difficult sometimes.

I'm afraid I can't advise you much on romantic relationships -- I'm a male in my late 20s, and yet I've never gone on a date nor kissed (or have been kissed) by a girl. I attribute this to my painful love-shyness, which makes it quite difficult for me to approach girls, much less start a relationship.

Nevertheless, I hope I can offer you this advice, from someone who also has gone through considerable adversity and who also had to seek professional help in the past. First... you will not always be as you are right now. It may be hard to see this right now, and I had trouble seeing this when my own difficulties were worse. But it is true. People change. Your environment will change. Your life situation will change. Chances are, you will change, too, and hopefully for the better.

Next... I suggest that you try to see if you can find more aspects of your life's situation that you can control. Yes, it is true, there are many things in life that are out of your control that may cause much of your current unhappiness. However, there are many things in life that you can control and which can really allow you to get more of what you want out of life. Sure, many of these things may be quite hard to control -- being shy is difficult... I know; I fight my own shyness every day. But at least I'm fighting it, and for that, I am glad that I am trying... since I do see improvements in my life when I try. It can take quite a lot of courage to find the motivation to improve these aspects in life, but the rewards are too good to pass up.

In your situation, I think it's time to evaulate your past, think about the lessons it teaches you, and then move on. I see the purpose of life as a big classroom. No one is perfect - everyone has their flaws, and there are often challenges in life that really test your character. It sounds like you've had a difficult past... but you've made it this far, and you're a survivor.

And please, don't stop looking for help. It is all right to acknowledge that certain challenges in life can be more than what a person can face alone. But that's part of why humans live in communal societies, not in individual isolation. It may sometimes seem like you're living in isolation, and our shyness certainly doesn't help matters. But that shouldn't stop us from getting what we need... and what we want... from life.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to PM me... I really do hope you feel better soon.

All the best,
thetaomega
 
crazyfairyx

crazyfairyx

1
I agree with a lot of what already has been said. You are worth far more than this guy, if he cannot accept the fact that you are shy then what's the point in trying to get him back? You are only 20, loads of people aren't settled down in serious relationships at your age, it's better to wait a bit and find someone who loves you for who you are, instead of wasting time in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept you and your personality. Also, it sounds like you only want to be with this guy because you don't want to be alone, that's not fair on either of you, you both deserve to be with someone who makes you happy, not just stay together out of fear of being alone.

You are still really young, you need to find yourself and be happy with yourself. Enroll in college, find friends, start a new job. No-one knows their exact purpose in life, you have to find it for yourself and it does take time. Very few people have this idealised life that you're imagining, being smart, attractive, knowing exactly what they want to do in life. People wander through life making mistakes and finding out who they are.

Also, NO-ONE has the right to tell you that you are ugly or unintelligent. Just because you don't fit the media description of skinny, big boobs and a small nose doesn't mean that you are not attractive. And just because you don't have a degree in maths or physics doesn't mean you're not intelligent. There are so many different kinds of attractiveness and intelligence, no two people are the same and if people can't accept you for your individualities, f*ck them. You have every right to be alive just like every other person on the planet. Everyone is just muddling through trying to find their place in the world and that is all you are doing. You are no different to anyone else and you have as much right as anyone else to try and find happiness.
 
Jack-B

Jack-B

Well-known member
Emma,

Your suffering is not worthless. Why?

Because you are helping so many people, right now, whoever reads this post gains inspiration, hope, courage, a feeling of not being the only one, you give confidence to those who need it and reassurance to those weaker than your self. Our experiences are priceless to others because they relate, it helps them to understand the nature of them selves and everything. So many people will learn to be in a better place because you help them. This is why your life has great meaning, because you can make a difference.

Everyone is watching everyone else suffer. Life is just that. What can make our life meaningful is how we use our pain and experiences to make the lives of our self and others better.

There are thousands of girls around the world who, just like you, need to be given a chance. So many younger girls cut them selves because of their pain. What would you say to them that could help them? Maybe you would save their life because you knew what they were talking about. And you would listen, because you would give them a chance to speak.

I've known girls who have cut themselves and love seeing their vein slash because its 'beutiful' but havent been able to really help them like you could. Do you see how you can make a difference? If a girl your age came to you with exactly the same problems and she said, "i want to die" you'd say "i know how you feel" Would you not love to see her happy and enjoying life? Of course you would. You, above all others could help her, because you suffered. Maybe you would save her life, because you suffered.

You have soooooo much to offer, find meaning in your pain and you will bring love to others, then naturally love will be with you, flowing through you. You have so much love, dont be disheartened, you will look back on this with a smile.

Jack
 
Clark_Kent

Clark_Kent

Active member
Emma ive wondered if ive been cursed in this world in that ,most every day is fear and anxiety its a pain i agree and ive thought about the peace that would be brought about by my absence in this world.

I feel as if i have been brought up in the wrong time period where people with superstition general selfish coldness rule and society has these really crazy sets of do's and donts's, the people are plastic and i struggle to fit in with them, i feel that i have too much pride and this causes me too worry about the evaluations of people whom are more crude, unmannerly and less intellectual in their ways than me yet im stuck in it.

Im royally pissed off with this society that means if you are righteous and sensitive that you are subject to ridicule i suffer terribly from SA which makes my life hell but i aint quitting ive found this site which brings some welcome relief. hey if you or anybody needs to chat message me with a time in the late afternoon get it off you chest and see that my probs may be worse. or else just realise that other people have their probs. too and no matter what you can communicate with us a problem shared....
 
Noca

Noca

Banned
Emma you sound to me as if you are experiencing clinical major depression. The thoughts you think and the words of hopelessness are not that of your own, they are depression talking for you. I advise you to seek out depression treatment as soon as possible. For the vast majority of patients with depression, remission is attainable. Plz go get help, you owe yourself that much if nothing else.
 
mrb

mrb

Well-known member
dunno what to say to you lol , the song above might help , just click on play video . hope things pick up for you soon .... keep your chin up girl ..... if its that bad hey it can only get better dont you think ;)
 
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hoddesdon

hoddesdon

Well-known member
I agree with what has been said above, except for one thing. You do have a number of friends on this website, including myself. Under Medicare you can get a number of sessions with a psychologist for free.
 
Emma

Emma

Well-known member
I did try cbt, but the guy kept falling asleep in his chair:eek:

Guess that sort of job is tiring, hahaha::p:
 
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