Eh....

[Ericisme]

Past 3 weeks I have gained 15 pounds, showered like 4 times, brushed my teeth like 4 times, changed clothes like 4 times, cut myself over a dozen times, lost my only friend(my fault) that I was really really close with(online), step dad lost his job(mom lost hers a few months ago), brother had a seizure with no insurance(he's ok), and now we'll have a huge bill to pay, before or after we go homeless, again. I started masturbating a few times a day now(lame/short alternative to anti-depressants), even cut my own junk so I'd stop doing it!, but it only stopped me for about a day(I hate being a man ). Also, I only showered and such because I had stupid appointments at the counselor(useless). I'm also getting some strange crackling in my left ear sometimes.

Oh yea, I saw how my mom reacted to my brother having a seizure. So I couldn't put her through that by killing myself. Not yet.

Yea, I had a really, really good day, then the next day my family ruined it completely, then I gave up on life. Then a few weeks later my only friend leaves me and then a few days later my step dad gets laid off, then the next day my brother has a seizure(worst part is he had no insurance). It sure gets easier after you gave up on life...

Counselor told me to write an essay on "why I don't care" . Yea, she doesn't even know about half of this, or, more like most of it. She knows about gaining 15 pounds and my brother having a seizure, oh and the SA.

I'm going to a doctor in a few days to get medication, probably anti-depressants(hopefully with bad sexual side effects, I really don't exactly enjoy having male parts). It's funny how they'll also make me gain weight even faster.... Making it worse in the long-term.



Man without the genitals. Now there's an idea. The perfect human. Not too emotional like women, but not too stupid and horny like men. True though.

 

[Ericisme]

Uh, actually. I told my mom about how anti-depressants will make me gain weight faster. Then she said that I'm either going on them or going into a hospital(her only solution these days). I tried them, few years back, but my mom took them off after not too long cuz I cut myself. But she said since I did it while I wasn't on them(few months back), that maybe it wasn't the drugs.

Ha, that's all I live for these days, distracting myself. All I do is watch TV or movies online, that's like 90% of what I do, literally. 5% is finding a movie or something to watch online, 5% is roaming sites and if I'm lucky talking to somebody. All I try to do is keep busy, keep my mind busy, keep my mind off of everything. But that's hard to do. I think I might try to play video games again.

Actually, one of my worst fears about going to a mental hospital, is that I probably won't have internet. But then again, that was a few weeks ago. I have no online friends anymore, so I guess it isn't that important. Only a device to pass the time now.

 

[Fairy001]

Sorry you are having a rough time. I don't quite understand why you shouldn't masturbate? Have I missed the point or something? Masturbation is a healthy way to relieve stress.

I hope you get some decent help and medication sorted out, perhaps tell your counsellor a bit more about whats going on a home.

Peace

 

[Ericisme]

Sorry you are having a rough time. I don't quite understand why you shouldn't masturbate? Have I missed the point or something? Masturbation is a healthy way to relieve stress.

I hope you get some decent help and medication sorted out, perhaps tell your counsellor a bit more about whats going on a home.

Peace

Yes, I know. But I still hate it. It's just another part of me that I have little control over. Among other reasons.

 

[Fairy001]

Perhaps we don't need to control everything, trust in nature and in yourself.

Peace