Eh. Rant. Don't bother.

[emmdee]

What i have been looking for all my life was for someone to really care, but i've never gotten it. It was always either they didn't give a shit or they laughed in my face. I thought i had one friend, one among the many who cared enough to surpass everything i've felt, but that was another mistake, i guess. Another mistake through the many i have made, believing that they [yes, i am referring to a couple of other friends, however that also fell apart. Turns out they didn't give a shit either...] mattered in the way only real friends could. I guess that at one point that one friend was real, but in the end it eventually fell apart.
I do not even know if i am explaining myself correctly enough for you to even understand this, if you are bored enough to read.
Well, yeah. That is how i got social anxiety. Actually, i still remember that specific day in grade five that i believe drove me to it, because i certainly wasn't like this at a younger age. To this day i am still talking to this friend, which i know is preventing me from moving on. I have told her many times that she is out of my life, but there is something i can't let go. It just keeps spiralling back. I guess it is just because she was the only one who i believed truly accepted me, and i want that feeling back somehow. But that was a mistaken feeling too, and now that i look back i can remember many signs that definately tell me she was not as good of a friend as i was to her.
But whatever. That is over now. I can just as easily drop her as she and many others did to me, i know, if i found something, someone better. But i haven't. That is my problem. And i don't think i ever will.
I know.
I'm lame. You don't need to say that twice. It's written in the back of my mind. But i don't care anymore, i just needed to rant...

 

[hamandcheese]

Hey emmdee

I'm curious what happened in fifth grade with this friend?

And is it that event that you think has contributed to your developing SA?

The way you describe the feeling you have of wanting to find someone who can truly understand is something I can empathise with. I think it's something everyone feels but maybe it's stronger in SA'ers.

I don't know but maybe it's just part of the way we think, a pseudo mechanism for keeping ourselves from enjoying friends because we think they can't understand us. Dunno if that makes sense...

 

[emmdee]

FIFTH GRADE..
She meets one of my other supposedly 'best' friend that i am still talking to as well, and ditches me for her. One of the reasons i hate being in groups. They absolutely despised me. There were names, tears, and more embarrassing meetings with them and their parents than i can remember. Definately the trigger, what hit the bullet to my chest was all of the other friends in my life, including them in the later years, who did more subtlely the same thing, either that or they never really cared in the first place.

I get what you mean, that is what i think too. 'Maybe it is just me and they really do care?' enters my mind many times. But after everything else that has happened, i just shrug that thought off, believing that if i know it is true, i will just become clingy due to social anxiety and the fact that i do not have much else to rely on, and they will ditch me again anyways.