xkiss_me_nowx
Well-known member
i feel like im gonna have a crap future.
i hate it. my depression always comes and goes.
i mean like.. i have no idea of what i wanna do career wise.. im 15 neally 16 and im in my last year at school so.. this year im really gotta decide what i want to do when i leave school..
i wanted to be a vet.. but i thought of all the people id have to deal with and stuff.. and so i put that idea out of my head.
then i went through a faze of wantin to do hairdressin.. and then i realised same thing with that so that went too..
i also thuogt of nursing too.. but that same..
i feel so stuck. i thought of photography but my mum was like "you should do the job you really wanna do.. somethin you love, or have a passion for.. and with photography youve gotta have that" and well tbh i dont.
and ive always wanted to do psychology, but idk ehh. ive no idea. i honestly dont know what im goin to do.. and this SA is ruinin my life.
i just feel like a failure, i am abit of a rebel at school.. like bad behaved sometimes.. doin stupid things.. like playin pranks at school.. messin around in lessons wit friends..like im always the loud one in class bein stupid etc [btw im not shy at all in school] and i feel like im gonna end up leavin school with not really great exam results becuz last year i neally got kicked outta school! :/.. but anyway then goto college. .but im scared i wont do well and then just become a complete failure because id be to shy to get a job..
my mum was like last night "when i was ure age i had a saturday job workin in hairdressers" and i was thinkin theird be no way i could do that.. id be too insecure about my looks.. and i wouldnt be able to talk to the staff bcus id feel intimidated cos most of em are so pretty so id be just worried all the time that theyd be thinkin im weird or somethin.
also, i feel i cant have a relationship with anyone right now either, i blew a guy off who liked me alot..well for two reasons.. one.... bcus i didnt wanna get close to him because he was inviting me to goto his friends party.. .. cos if i got with him hed want me to meet his friends/parents and stuff, so i told him i didnt wanna be with him and two because i like a few other ppl..[who like me back too but ehh].. so we dont talk as much now.. and its like that for me right now.. ive not had a proper boyf for longer than 2 months at all this year...well ive had a few but ive ended up dumping them all.. i really do want to be with someone.. but i jus seem to change my mind wen i do get with them..and end up dumping them. im really fussy when it comes to relationships too..
my friends invite me out.. and sometimes i jus make up excuses not to go out, because im too insecure.. and well her boyfriends friends would be there and idk them so id be really shy and weird and ehhh i hate it!! and the main problem is all my friends think im loud :// so when i suddenly im really quiet with ppl idk around they think omg.. she is bein quiet for once..why?? :s
i always feel intimidated by pretty girls who idk. i go red..and weirdits bcus i feel like their judgin me cos their girls and i feel like their gunna be thinkin im weird or something.... although most of my friends are all girls.. ive known them since year 7[im yr 11 now] so it doesnt bother me wit them..
but with other girls ive only jus met i cant be myself.
its really weird, cos im female myself! with guys though i can talk to them easily.. im not in the slightest bit bothered.. and i can have a laugh with them and such. but total opposite with girls :////
so yea i had to get that out.. eh i hate my life it sucksss. i am always insecure most of the time. and feel like a weirdo even though i know im not! and i have quite alot of friends.. too but i just still feel weird.. and i get alot of attention from guys..but i still dont see myself positively. and i always feel like most other people are so much prettier than me. and that theyre better than me in everyway inteligence/funnier and etc. i just cant seem to let my hair down.
everyone expects me to be the happy funny becky all the time.
i dont show how i feel much, and my friends think im always benig hyper/funny..and dont have a care in the world. well im afraid thats not really how i feel inside. i feel depressed. i havnt told anyone this, bcus i dont wanna dump all my feelings on them and stuff :roll: .people see me as loud.. and always the one to do random stupid funny things.. and ppl think im funny but thats all jus a front. im shy really.
bt anyway rant over. i had to get it all out. its just how i feel. i dont tell my friends any of this, i know they wouldnt take me serious.. theyd say aww ull be ok etc etc. but they dont understand me.
also, im gonna post up my picture for you all to see. so you have an idea of what i look like too.
http://myspace-220.vo.llnwd.net/01324/02/24/1324264220_l.jpg
i hate it. my depression always comes and goes.
i mean like.. i have no idea of what i wanna do career wise.. im 15 neally 16 and im in my last year at school so.. this year im really gotta decide what i want to do when i leave school..
i wanted to be a vet.. but i thought of all the people id have to deal with and stuff.. and so i put that idea out of my head.
then i went through a faze of wantin to do hairdressin.. and then i realised same thing with that so that went too..
i also thuogt of nursing too.. but that same..
i feel so stuck. i thought of photography but my mum was like "you should do the job you really wanna do.. somethin you love, or have a passion for.. and with photography youve gotta have that" and well tbh i dont.
and ive always wanted to do psychology, but idk ehh. ive no idea. i honestly dont know what im goin to do.. and this SA is ruinin my life.
i just feel like a failure, i am abit of a rebel at school.. like bad behaved sometimes.. doin stupid things.. like playin pranks at school.. messin around in lessons wit friends..like im always the loud one in class bein stupid etc [btw im not shy at all in school] and i feel like im gonna end up leavin school with not really great exam results becuz last year i neally got kicked outta school! :/.. but anyway then goto college. .but im scared i wont do well and then just become a complete failure because id be to shy to get a job..
my mum was like last night "when i was ure age i had a saturday job workin in hairdressers" and i was thinkin theird be no way i could do that.. id be too insecure about my looks.. and i wouldnt be able to talk to the staff bcus id feel intimidated cos most of em are so pretty so id be just worried all the time that theyd be thinkin im weird or somethin.
also, i feel i cant have a relationship with anyone right now either, i blew a guy off who liked me alot..well for two reasons.. one.... bcus i didnt wanna get close to him because he was inviting me to goto his friends party.. .. cos if i got with him hed want me to meet his friends/parents and stuff, so i told him i didnt wanna be with him and two because i like a few other ppl..[who like me back too but ehh].. so we dont talk as much now.. and its like that for me right now.. ive not had a proper boyf for longer than 2 months at all this year...well ive had a few but ive ended up dumping them all.. i really do want to be with someone.. but i jus seem to change my mind wen i do get with them..and end up dumping them. im really fussy when it comes to relationships too..
my friends invite me out.. and sometimes i jus make up excuses not to go out, because im too insecure.. and well her boyfriends friends would be there and idk them so id be really shy and weird and ehhh i hate it!! and the main problem is all my friends think im loud :// so when i suddenly im really quiet with ppl idk around they think omg.. she is bein quiet for once..why?? :s
i always feel intimidated by pretty girls who idk. i go red..and weirdits bcus i feel like their judgin me cos their girls and i feel like their gunna be thinkin im weird or something.... although most of my friends are all girls.. ive known them since year 7[im yr 11 now] so it doesnt bother me wit them..
but with other girls ive only jus met i cant be myself.
its really weird, cos im female myself! with guys though i can talk to them easily.. im not in the slightest bit bothered.. and i can have a laugh with them and such. but total opposite with girls :////
so yea i had to get that out.. eh i hate my life it sucksss. i am always insecure most of the time. and feel like a weirdo even though i know im not! and i have quite alot of friends.. too but i just still feel weird.. and i get alot of attention from guys..but i still dont see myself positively. and i always feel like most other people are so much prettier than me. and that theyre better than me in everyway inteligence/funnier and etc. i just cant seem to let my hair down.
everyone expects me to be the happy funny becky all the time.
i dont show how i feel much, and my friends think im always benig hyper/funny..and dont have a care in the world. well im afraid thats not really how i feel inside. i feel depressed. i havnt told anyone this, bcus i dont wanna dump all my feelings on them and stuff :roll: .people see me as loud.. and always the one to do random stupid funny things.. and ppl think im funny but thats all jus a front. im shy really.
bt anyway rant over. i had to get it all out. its just how i feel. i dont tell my friends any of this, i know they wouldnt take me serious.. theyd say aww ull be ok etc etc. but they dont understand me.
also, im gonna post up my picture for you all to see. so you have an idea of what i look like too.
http://myspace-220.vo.llnwd.net/01324/02/24/1324264220_l.jpg
