whysitmatter
Member
Hey, I'm new to the site, but mine as well get some background info out to help see if someone can help me with my question.
I'm 19 now, the first medication I ever took was Adderall for my ADHD in the 5th grade, I couldnt concentrate worth a shit, and it helped, but for years I didnt know I was Tweaked out of my mind,until I started experementing with drugs.
Eventually I became more and more depressed as the years went on, until I forgot to take my Adderall before school, it was the happiest day of my life, I was hanging out with people outside of school, playing music(eventually had a little band going), from 5th grade to halfway through my freshmen year I did NOTHING but computer crap(Tweaked) during the summer, had no friends, my life was hell.
Then my sophmore year, I started drinking ocasionally, smoking weed and it just helped me relax and care less that I was in school, eventually I tried everything across the board from LSD to Methamphetamine, 5-MeO-DMT, painkillers,etc. (I was privilleged to have friends significantly older than me)
In my junior year I was hooked on my excess adderall since I stopped taking it but kept my script, and started eating hallucinogens like a Mofo, From 17 to 18, I probably ate some kinda hallucinogen, mostly acid and mushrooms, at least 3 times a week if not more, in addition to smoking alot of weed and speeding my nuts off.
I got kicked out of school my junior year, I'll just leave it at the drugs got me in trouble. And I started drinking alot more, I mean, Hell, I had half the year off because I got kicked out. Eventually, I had to get a job, and I found one at a restraunt, some shit job, you get the idea. I started taking my adderall knowing full well I could make food and get it to the drivethrough window before anyone else or the person ordering was even finished almost.
When I went to repeat my junior year, having earned only half a credit before getting kicked out, I noticed I didnt like being around people, I cut alot of my classes and alot of teachers didnt care, I'd just wander the building, going into restricted areas. Everyone knew I'd gotten in trouble more than once for drugs,and people having the "dumb stoner" image stuck in their head about me was belittling, and I dropped out a month before I turned 18.
Eventually I just worked, and spent all my paychecks on drugs/alcohol/cigarettes. Started smoking significantly less weed, drinking more and more, but never before or during work.
Then I started having what I didnt know at the time were mini-panic attacks, when I was tweaked I'd also have little myoclonic seizures(Feels like your brain's shocked by electricity and usually limbs flail, in my case my arms, but didnt last more than a second or two). Eventually one day I just started feeling ill, REALLY ill, I thought I was going to die, I was having a full blown panic attack.
Feeling nauseus, I called off work sick(which I NEVER did) so I got a few days off, had my mother pick me up because I didnt drive at the time, and I noticed the closer I got to my home, the better I felt, and when I told my dad he sighed, and gave me a book, "Living in Hell: An Agoraphobic experience", which was one ladies tale of agoraphobia before anyone knew what it really was. He explained to me that it ran in my family, which it does, he has it, two of his brothers, both my grandparents, and on up the latter.
After seeing my doctor, and him knowing my family history I walked out with a small script of xanax, which I'd taken before, and all a few 1mg tablets did to me was calm me down and make me feel that "maybe today isnt so bad".
Eventually my dosage was upped to 5mg throughout the day, which helped with the panic attacks but I still couldnt do things like take cash, help with customers and still felt uncomfortable, so I started drinking ALOT after work, eventually that turned into drinking ocasionally before work, then I'd be late and drunk before I'd go in sober, and eventually I was pummeling down half gallons of whiskey a day, and drinking at work.
I could no longer do some of precioius hallucinogens, they made have HORRIBLE panic attacks, and hardly smoked weed, it increases my anxiety too,which was devestating for me, I truely loved LSD more than some family members. And needless to say I couldnt speed anymore.
Eventually my alcoholism caught up with me, and I puked up a little bit of blood after drinking half a gallon of segrams 7, in under 3 hours, on about 40mg of vicodin, my xanax, and some muscle relaxants(Only time I've ever blacked out and forgotten whole portions of my experience) And I was just trying to get ****ed up, people asked me if I was trying to kill myself.
My parents pryed my door open(it's always locked) after they hadnt seen me out of my room for several hours and I was convulsing on my bed, parts of which I dont remember, they got my xanax in me, since I couldnt even get off the bed to go get my bottle, and I felt a little better, my dad gave me an extra one, and some vistorol to help calm me down.
Tried on my own to quit drinking, took time off from work and told my boss(which was a shock to him, he had no idea), and couldnt get past 3 days, before I'd drink for a day or two and try again(I'd drink less than I normally would, puking blood at the age of 18 is a bit scary), went through MAJOR withdrawl, hallucinations out the ass, horrible pain, vomiting, Convulsing, and eventually knew I needed money to support my habbit, and went back to work, halfway clean(having weened myself down to less alcohol), it became then very apparent, when I was drunk at work, and I was about an hour late, my boss told me he didnt want me in his store and that "this agoraphobia" was a B.S. excuse, because,"When you started working here you didnt have it?!?", "Well you didnt have a cold a week ago, what's up with that?!" UGH. He never said it was the alcohol.
Eventually I started dealing to support my habbit, which went down to about a case and half a day, and then becoming more and more depressed with what was going on around me, having no friends again, selling dope and drinking, I quit selling.
Finally at 19, Got clean for an entire week, because my only means of money were odd jobs my family had for me,(lawn work, etc). But they all refused to let me do anything, and I didnt sleep for about 5 and half days, going through withdrawl once again, by day 8, I was excercising (which I needed, after going from 180 to 290 in less than a year because I rarely ate on my adderall and started eating,and drinking which put on alot of weight).
Eventually I got prescribed muscle relaxants, as my doctor saw I was extremely shakey in his office, and blood pressure medication. Finally I scrounged up enough change to get myself a tall boy, and it went back downhill from there, started eating more relaxants than I was prescribed on some days and drinking after excercising, stopped the excercising, and stole and lied and started mowing lawns for money.
Finally got my liscense since my parents saved up and got me a car for 2christmas's, havent driven sober, even had a few before taking the drivers test, no problem passing. Got a sense of direction and more comfortable driving, I'm wild on the road normally, but cant drive sober without panicing.
Now I'm moved out of my parents, as I couldnt stand their ****ing fighting, and them taking shit out on me. I moved to a bad part of another city with one of my buddies, and got my nose in my new best friend, Major opiates.
I'm now popping morphine, snorting about 50 to $75 worth of heroin, and drinking between a 12 pack and a case a day, In addition to my xanax and muscle relaxants and cant pay my part of rent (only 120 a month), I'm living off of love, rent's cheap anyways, and I took care of my friend when he was homeless.
I'm afraid to stop the drugs, I could give a shit less when I have my opiates,they help my panic attacks like a mother****er compared to the alcohol. I'm afraid to live sober,thinking about rehab, I found a place, but cant muster up the courage to set up an appt. and get an assesment, I have a hard time calling people and not knowing who's gonna be on the other end. I dont use the phone much at all.
And I know with my family history, if my doctor finds out about half this shit(as he would since in rehab they'd need to know I'm chemically dependent on my xanax), even the booze, He'll gank my Xanax quicker than I can blink an eye, and I'm terrified of not having at least my xanax to fall back on, it's always been there to at least keep the agoraphobia manageable.
I know I need profesional help, I just cant risk loosing my Xanax, because I know he'll take 'em and throw another anti-deppresant at me, and none of them have worked for me, Imiprine, Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Prozac,half of them made me sicker'n hell.
I dont know what to do. I'm workin on a nice little ulcer that hurts like a bitch, so I dont eat some days, I'm between a rock and a hard place, any advice or at least similar stories to help me try to make some kind of decision would be greatly appreciated
Pretty soon, I'm gonna be living outta my car..., if I dont get my act together.:
:
Thank you for even taking the time to read this excedingly long post.
I'm 19 now, the first medication I ever took was Adderall for my ADHD in the 5th grade, I couldnt concentrate worth a shit, and it helped, but for years I didnt know I was Tweaked out of my mind,until I started experementing with drugs.
Eventually I became more and more depressed as the years went on, until I forgot to take my Adderall before school, it was the happiest day of my life, I was hanging out with people outside of school, playing music(eventually had a little band going), from 5th grade to halfway through my freshmen year I did NOTHING but computer crap(Tweaked) during the summer, had no friends, my life was hell.
Then my sophmore year, I started drinking ocasionally, smoking weed and it just helped me relax and care less that I was in school, eventually I tried everything across the board from LSD to Methamphetamine, 5-MeO-DMT, painkillers,etc. (I was privilleged to have friends significantly older than me)
In my junior year I was hooked on my excess adderall since I stopped taking it but kept my script, and started eating hallucinogens like a Mofo, From 17 to 18, I probably ate some kinda hallucinogen, mostly acid and mushrooms, at least 3 times a week if not more, in addition to smoking alot of weed and speeding my nuts off.
I got kicked out of school my junior year, I'll just leave it at the drugs got me in trouble. And I started drinking alot more, I mean, Hell, I had half the year off because I got kicked out. Eventually, I had to get a job, and I found one at a restraunt, some shit job, you get the idea. I started taking my adderall knowing full well I could make food and get it to the drivethrough window before anyone else or the person ordering was even finished almost.
When I went to repeat my junior year, having earned only half a credit before getting kicked out, I noticed I didnt like being around people, I cut alot of my classes and alot of teachers didnt care, I'd just wander the building, going into restricted areas. Everyone knew I'd gotten in trouble more than once for drugs,and people having the "dumb stoner" image stuck in their head about me was belittling, and I dropped out a month before I turned 18.
Eventually I just worked, and spent all my paychecks on drugs/alcohol/cigarettes. Started smoking significantly less weed, drinking more and more, but never before or during work.
Then I started having what I didnt know at the time were mini-panic attacks, when I was tweaked I'd also have little myoclonic seizures(Feels like your brain's shocked by electricity and usually limbs flail, in my case my arms, but didnt last more than a second or two). Eventually one day I just started feeling ill, REALLY ill, I thought I was going to die, I was having a full blown panic attack.
Feeling nauseus, I called off work sick(which I NEVER did) so I got a few days off, had my mother pick me up because I didnt drive at the time, and I noticed the closer I got to my home, the better I felt, and when I told my dad he sighed, and gave me a book, "Living in Hell: An Agoraphobic experience", which was one ladies tale of agoraphobia before anyone knew what it really was. He explained to me that it ran in my family, which it does, he has it, two of his brothers, both my grandparents, and on up the latter.
After seeing my doctor, and him knowing my family history I walked out with a small script of xanax, which I'd taken before, and all a few 1mg tablets did to me was calm me down and make me feel that "maybe today isnt so bad".
Eventually my dosage was upped to 5mg throughout the day, which helped with the panic attacks but I still couldnt do things like take cash, help with customers and still felt uncomfortable, so I started drinking ALOT after work, eventually that turned into drinking ocasionally before work, then I'd be late and drunk before I'd go in sober, and eventually I was pummeling down half gallons of whiskey a day, and drinking at work.
I could no longer do some of precioius hallucinogens, they made have HORRIBLE panic attacks, and hardly smoked weed, it increases my anxiety too,which was devestating for me, I truely loved LSD more than some family members. And needless to say I couldnt speed anymore.
Eventually my alcoholism caught up with me, and I puked up a little bit of blood after drinking half a gallon of segrams 7, in under 3 hours, on about 40mg of vicodin, my xanax, and some muscle relaxants(Only time I've ever blacked out and forgotten whole portions of my experience) And I was just trying to get ****ed up, people asked me if I was trying to kill myself.
My parents pryed my door open(it's always locked) after they hadnt seen me out of my room for several hours and I was convulsing on my bed, parts of which I dont remember, they got my xanax in me, since I couldnt even get off the bed to go get my bottle, and I felt a little better, my dad gave me an extra one, and some vistorol to help calm me down.
Tried on my own to quit drinking, took time off from work and told my boss(which was a shock to him, he had no idea), and couldnt get past 3 days, before I'd drink for a day or two and try again(I'd drink less than I normally would, puking blood at the age of 18 is a bit scary), went through MAJOR withdrawl, hallucinations out the ass, horrible pain, vomiting, Convulsing, and eventually knew I needed money to support my habbit, and went back to work, halfway clean(having weened myself down to less alcohol), it became then very apparent, when I was drunk at work, and I was about an hour late, my boss told me he didnt want me in his store and that "this agoraphobia" was a B.S. excuse, because,"When you started working here you didnt have it?!?", "Well you didnt have a cold a week ago, what's up with that?!" UGH. He never said it was the alcohol.
Eventually I started dealing to support my habbit, which went down to about a case and half a day, and then becoming more and more depressed with what was going on around me, having no friends again, selling dope and drinking, I quit selling.
Finally at 19, Got clean for an entire week, because my only means of money were odd jobs my family had for me,(lawn work, etc). But they all refused to let me do anything, and I didnt sleep for about 5 and half days, going through withdrawl once again, by day 8, I was excercising (which I needed, after going from 180 to 290 in less than a year because I rarely ate on my adderall and started eating,and drinking which put on alot of weight).
Eventually I got prescribed muscle relaxants, as my doctor saw I was extremely shakey in his office, and blood pressure medication. Finally I scrounged up enough change to get myself a tall boy, and it went back downhill from there, started eating more relaxants than I was prescribed on some days and drinking after excercising, stopped the excercising, and stole and lied and started mowing lawns for money.
Finally got my liscense since my parents saved up and got me a car for 2christmas's, havent driven sober, even had a few before taking the drivers test, no problem passing. Got a sense of direction and more comfortable driving, I'm wild on the road normally, but cant drive sober without panicing.
Now I'm moved out of my parents, as I couldnt stand their ****ing fighting, and them taking shit out on me. I moved to a bad part of another city with one of my buddies, and got my nose in my new best friend, Major opiates.
I'm now popping morphine, snorting about 50 to $75 worth of heroin, and drinking between a 12 pack and a case a day, In addition to my xanax and muscle relaxants and cant pay my part of rent (only 120 a month), I'm living off of love, rent's cheap anyways, and I took care of my friend when he was homeless.
I'm afraid to stop the drugs, I could give a shit less when I have my opiates,they help my panic attacks like a mother****er compared to the alcohol. I'm afraid to live sober,thinking about rehab, I found a place, but cant muster up the courage to set up an appt. and get an assesment, I have a hard time calling people and not knowing who's gonna be on the other end. I dont use the phone much at all.
And I know with my family history, if my doctor finds out about half this shit(as he would since in rehab they'd need to know I'm chemically dependent on my xanax), even the booze, He'll gank my Xanax quicker than I can blink an eye, and I'm terrified of not having at least my xanax to fall back on, it's always been there to at least keep the agoraphobia manageable.
I know I need profesional help, I just cant risk loosing my Xanax, because I know he'll take 'em and throw another anti-deppresant at me, and none of them have worked for me, Imiprine, Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Prozac,half of them made me sicker'n hell.
I dont know what to do. I'm workin on a nice little ulcer that hurts like a bitch, so I dont eat some days, I'm between a rock and a hard place, any advice or at least similar stories to help me try to make some kind of decision would be greatly appreciated
Pretty soon, I'm gonna be living outta my car..., if I dont get my act together.:
:Thank you for even taking the time to read this excedingly long post.
