"Don't sweat the petty things"? Hmmm ...

[schist]

I'll never know why, but I'm always finding myself imagining the worst possible outcome of a scenario, and suffering the imagined consequences.

To elaborate - a girl I've been friends with for a while (who we'll call Cathy) has just broken up with her boyfriend. Now young Cathy is quite the outgoing, sociable type - and is damn attractive. Cathy and I have enjoyed our fair share of fun times - we'd been drawing pictures in each other's notebooks and writing things in said notebooks. Hell, we were even mistaken for being a couple by a classmate once! She kissed me goodbye on the cheek once, out of nowhere, as I was leaving a pub one night (we were there as part of an event), and I reciprocated.

Now, this is where another guy comes in, who we'll call Dale. Cathy is rather polyamorous (in the platonic sense), and has a great deal of appreciation for her friends and loved ones. Her and Dale have been trading Facebook comments and videos on each other's walls, and she's joined a FB page jocularly titled "We all know a d**khead named Dale" (though not 'Dale', the name has been replaced).

I'm aware that this is a common problem a lot of guys are faced with in the way of potential relationships, especially involving someone as sought after as Cathy is. But my main concern is what I'd outlined in the opening paragraph of this post - that I'm imaging whatever could possibly go wrong and living as if that had actually happened. All my life, I've become inured to disappointment and things never going my way, and I dread for that to happen here, after all that I've invested in her. So what I ask of you on SPW, is what suggestions can you offer to help me cope with this and maybe try to get a sense of realism back?

 

[inconspicuous name]

sounds as if you like this girl and you're just getting a bit jealous because another guy is talking to her. going to be straight up with you here (though you may consider this harsh). don't consider yourself entitled to talk to her just because you're interested in her, what you consider signs of interest to her could just be friendly behaviour.

if you like her, tell her and see what happens. if you have no plans on telling her that you like her then you just need to relax a little and realise that you are JUST friends and that people talk to people.

 

[schist]

going to be straight up with you here (though you may consider this harsh). don't consider yourself entitled to talk to her just because you're interested in her, what you consider signs of interest to her could just be friendly behaviour.

Not harsh at all - you're right. The last thing I want is to become possessive and jealous, but given the competitive nature of courtships (especially among the male role), I'm but a pawn in the game.

Oh, and I probably should've mentioned, for what it's worth, that Dale 'liked' her relationship status change on Facebook.

 

[inconspicuous name]

Not harsh at all - you're right. The last thing I want is to become possessive and jealous, but given the competitive nature of courtships (especially among the male role), I'm but a pawn in the game.

Oh, and I probably should've mentioned, for what it's worth, that Dale 'liked' her relationship status change on Facebook.

glad you took it the right way man, i know how you feel though as an outsider looking in it's easy to give advice but it's so much harder to take it.

in my experience liking people sucks, the best thing you can do is make your intentions clear early on so that any feelings aren't dragged out.

 

[schist]

glad you took it the right way man, i know how you feel though as an outsider looking in it's easy to give advice but it's so much harder to take it.

in my experience liking people sucks, the best thing you can do is make your intentions clear early on so that any feelings aren't dragged out.

Well she knows I'm into her, and I'm fairly sure the feeling is mutual, but there's always that, even minuscule, percentage that someone else (in this case, Dale) could win "the big prize", as it were, that has me s**ting myself. And, it's not like I'm staying around as "just a friend" if that happens - I have an obscene amount of self-respect, and I'm taking the high road if things turn out that way. Save myself a life lived in pain.

 

[schist]

Agree with what inconspicuous said... but from what you wrote, OP, I don't really see any evidence of her being into you as anything more than a friend. By your own admission, she's polyamorous, and she might not know how to be any other way with people other than very touchy-feely.

If you don't mind sharing, how long have you two been close friends?

Also, another thing to keep in mind is that even if you two do get together, will you be able to handle the fact that Cathy has lots of close male friends? My last gf had tons of close guy friends, and I thought I could handle it but certain things just got to be too much.

We've been close friends since July 2010.

I don't care that she has lots of close guy friends, I know she's not a cheater.

She's even said "I love you" to me a few times.

 

[schist]

I'm not trying to give you the third degree (lol), but how do you know that Cathy knows you're "into her"? Unless you've explicitly said to her, "I want to be more than just friends," you can't assume she knows anything of your (real) intentions: this I can guarantee you. And another thing: if she does know of your true feelings for her, and yet she hasn't brought it up with you, then there's probably a reason for that...

Again, not trying to be critical, but if Cathy knows you're into her and she's into you, then I'm not sure I understand what the problem is. Dale would be an utter non-factor in this. The longer you wait though, the less likely anything is going to happen between you two. You don't want to be friend-zoned, especially since you've said you have no interest in maintaining a platonic relationship with her.

Oh, she knows. I've made subtle hints about it, I just couldn't do anything beforehand because she already had a boyfriend.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but like I said I've become used to being disappointed and passed over whatever the situation.

UPDATE: She referred to Dale on an FB post/comment as her "bestie". Hmmm ...