D
do_i_have_ocd
Guest
This is going to be long lol
I am a 20 year old male and have recently started giving consideration to the idea that I may have OCD to some extent. I don't even know where to begin so I'll start at the beginning. For as long as I can remember, I have been ultra-paranoid about getting some rare disease. When I was a probably 4 years old, I would obsess over my heart-rhythm, constantly asking my mom to put her hand on my chest to feel my heart and tell me if it was beating correctly. Fast forward 1-2 years: whenever leaving a room, if I had a "bad thought" before turning out the light, like thinking about disease or a murder or something, I would have to turn the light back on and turn it off again without a "bad thought" or something bad would happen to me. I would do this dozens of times before finally feeling comfortable enough to leave the room or go to bed. I would even have dreams about it, for example I would be crawling through a short tunnel, and if I came out the other end with a "bad thought" I would have to re-enter the tunnel and come back out again until I had a "good thought" coming out. I never told anybody about the "bad thought" episodes. Fast forward a few more years, 8- 10 years old and I developed an extreme fear of a home-invasion or break-in. I would get up out of bed if I heard the slightest noise and go lay down again until I heard the slightest noise again, and this would continue for at least an hour to 2 hours. It didn't happen every night, but it happened more than once. I was on high-alert, with no logical reason to be other than the terrifying question that popped into my mind if I tried to tell myself that my fears were illogical and unfounded: "what if?" The fear was unbearable.
I would also have what some refer to as "intrusive thoughts" throughout 8-12 years old or so, all centered around "what if?" Please don't be alarmed, because I had/have NO intention/desire of acting out these "what if?" questions, and knew they were horrible, but couldn't understand why they popped into my mind. Questions like, what if I throw myself from the balcony (while staying on the 15th floor of a resort)? or what if I accidentally dropped this bronze figurine on this person's head? or what if I was burned alive? or what if I kicked this small dog 20 feet in the air? throw it in a hot oven alive? grabbed a steak knife and stabbed somebody? These thoughts were horrible, spontaneous, and random and I can not understand why they popped into my head. Again, I would like to make PERFECTLY CLEAR that I had/have no intention of acting any of these out.
I would go on to have periods of 1 or 2 years where I can't recall having any major OCD symptoms (with periods of intense fear of getting a rare disease I saw on the news that would last for weeks at a time). However, it never failed to return for no apparent reason, and came back with a vengeance when I was 16. I developed an obsessive fear of brain cancer, and was convinced I had it. This sprung from me thinking about a medical video I saw YEARS EARLIER! All of the sudden, I was convinced that the headache I was a massive tumor in my brain. I lost all interest in things I loved, I felt detached from reality, I remember sitting in class at high school like "if I don't get out of here I'm going to go insane." It was utterly miserable, and I was afraid all the time. I would check my eyelids to make sure one of them wasn't drooping (drooping eyelid can be a sign of brain cancer), I would become obsessed with my vision to make sure I didn't have bad vision in one eye (which I became convinced, of course, that I did). This was the darkest year of my life if I could ever recall one. I would stay up til the early morning hours researching symptoms of brain cancer, trying to "figure out" if I had it or not. I eventually and gradually stopped worrying about this, and, as if it never happened, this obsessive fear went away on it's own after nearly 2 months of unrelenting fear and anxiety.
Now fast forward to 2007, after the Virginia Tech massacre. This horrible event re-ignited the same irrational fears, that I would become the victim of a school shooting. I started to fall under the delusion that I was getting heaven-sent signs and signals from God that the college I chose to go to that fall was going to be involved in a school shooting, with me being one of the victims. I seriously considered switching schools. Again, I wasted many hours online researching school shootings, etc, the most ridiculous I remember was coming up with statistical analysis of the probability of being in a school shooting based on the number of school shootings so far, how many colleges there are in the U.S., and even the probability of being a victim of the shooting IF the shooting DID occur at my school, etc. It was pathetic. Of course, this time was nearly as bad as the "brain cancer' episode, with my day-to-day function being severely affected. This obsession grew into an obsession of going to hell (yes I had a Christian upbringing and after coming across Christian websites became convinced that my particular denomination was misinterpreting the bible and we were all really doomed to go to hell). This fear sprang from me coming across fire-and-brimstone preachers on youtube, and since I was raised Christian, I pondered the "what if?" question and thought they may be right and I may be doomed because I wasn't submitting my life 100% to Jesus like they were. I remember sitting in the bathroom at my first year at the university (supposed to be a fun and exciting time right?), crying like a baby out of pure fear that I may go to hell. It was awful. At this point I prayed for God to just kill me now (preferably some way quick and painless) if I had any risk of going to hell, and simply "destroy" my soul so I wouldn't exist period (in heaven or hell). Isn't this some crazy shit? I feel ashamed to be sharing this but it's true, it happened.
More recently my "OCD" has evolved into fear of blood-borne pathogens like HIV, Hep C and germs (after a series of visits to a family member who had it, with me coming home showering and washing my hands just because I had touched his desk), and becoming convinced that somebody was trying to contaminate my food. If a sandwich I made didn't look right, or I had the slightest suspicion that something was wrong with it (and boy do I mean SLIGHTEST) in the garbage it went. I knew this was irrational, wasteful, and stupid, but I couldn't help it. It was like somebody was holding gun to my head saying "DO IT OR YOU WILL REGRET IT." I have more recently been washing my hands several times (3 times before eating with the hottest water I can tolerate to kill the germs). If I pulled, say, a soda off the shelf, I treated the outside of the container as if it was pulled from a toilet, and even designated one hand for eating (the sterile hand) and one hand for picking up the drink (which had an exterior that was contaminated). I have been plagued with the "always assume the worst" policy. In that, if buy a pack of turkey I must always get the one in the back because the first one must be covered in HIV and deadly germs. If I go to the store and grab, say, some mouth wash and there is only one left, lol, I am NOT getting it because there must be something wrong with it (contaminated), even though I know the most logical explanation is that the other ones simply sold first, and this is the only one left. If I am about to cook something, and need to use a cookie sheet, no matter how clean the pan is, I assume that a mouse took a diseased shit on it somewhere, and I proceed to wash it no less than 4 times before I am satisfied it is sterile enough FOR ME TO PUT TIN FOIL ON TOP OF, much less the actual food I want to cook.
It doesn't end there, as if germaphobia wasn't enough, I became convinced that somebody was out to kill me, and at the apartment I was living at (at college) had to check EVERY possible hiding space: under the beds, in the cupboards, in the closet, behind the shower curtain, and I wasn't satisfied with just one checking, I had to do this probably 3 times at least. Going to bed has become a 20 minute ritual. This continued even at my parent's house (where I am staying over the summer before school starts again) where I had to check to make sure the doors were locked (several times because checking once was insufficient) and check under beds, in closets, etc. If I didn't, I became convinced I would have my eyes cut out in my sleep by somebody hiding in our house/apartment.
In conclusion my OCD had seemingly harmless beginnings, but I think over the years it has evolved into what I think is the worst it's ever been (AKA now). It's so comforting to hear these stories about people with similar problems. If you managed to read through this, your thoughts are very much appreciated.
I am a 20 year old male and have recently started giving consideration to the idea that I may have OCD to some extent. I don't even know where to begin so I'll start at the beginning. For as long as I can remember, I have been ultra-paranoid about getting some rare disease. When I was a probably 4 years old, I would obsess over my heart-rhythm, constantly asking my mom to put her hand on my chest to feel my heart and tell me if it was beating correctly. Fast forward 1-2 years: whenever leaving a room, if I had a "bad thought" before turning out the light, like thinking about disease or a murder or something, I would have to turn the light back on and turn it off again without a "bad thought" or something bad would happen to me. I would do this dozens of times before finally feeling comfortable enough to leave the room or go to bed. I would even have dreams about it, for example I would be crawling through a short tunnel, and if I came out the other end with a "bad thought" I would have to re-enter the tunnel and come back out again until I had a "good thought" coming out. I never told anybody about the "bad thought" episodes. Fast forward a few more years, 8- 10 years old and I developed an extreme fear of a home-invasion or break-in. I would get up out of bed if I heard the slightest noise and go lay down again until I heard the slightest noise again, and this would continue for at least an hour to 2 hours. It didn't happen every night, but it happened more than once. I was on high-alert, with no logical reason to be other than the terrifying question that popped into my mind if I tried to tell myself that my fears were illogical and unfounded: "what if?" The fear was unbearable.
I would also have what some refer to as "intrusive thoughts" throughout 8-12 years old or so, all centered around "what if?" Please don't be alarmed, because I had/have NO intention/desire of acting out these "what if?" questions, and knew they were horrible, but couldn't understand why they popped into my mind. Questions like, what if I throw myself from the balcony (while staying on the 15th floor of a resort)? or what if I accidentally dropped this bronze figurine on this person's head? or what if I was burned alive? or what if I kicked this small dog 20 feet in the air? throw it in a hot oven alive? grabbed a steak knife and stabbed somebody? These thoughts were horrible, spontaneous, and random and I can not understand why they popped into my head. Again, I would like to make PERFECTLY CLEAR that I had/have no intention of acting any of these out.
I would go on to have periods of 1 or 2 years where I can't recall having any major OCD symptoms (with periods of intense fear of getting a rare disease I saw on the news that would last for weeks at a time). However, it never failed to return for no apparent reason, and came back with a vengeance when I was 16. I developed an obsessive fear of brain cancer, and was convinced I had it. This sprung from me thinking about a medical video I saw YEARS EARLIER! All of the sudden, I was convinced that the headache I was a massive tumor in my brain. I lost all interest in things I loved, I felt detached from reality, I remember sitting in class at high school like "if I don't get out of here I'm going to go insane." It was utterly miserable, and I was afraid all the time. I would check my eyelids to make sure one of them wasn't drooping (drooping eyelid can be a sign of brain cancer), I would become obsessed with my vision to make sure I didn't have bad vision in one eye (which I became convinced, of course, that I did). This was the darkest year of my life if I could ever recall one. I would stay up til the early morning hours researching symptoms of brain cancer, trying to "figure out" if I had it or not. I eventually and gradually stopped worrying about this, and, as if it never happened, this obsessive fear went away on it's own after nearly 2 months of unrelenting fear and anxiety.
Now fast forward to 2007, after the Virginia Tech massacre. This horrible event re-ignited the same irrational fears, that I would become the victim of a school shooting. I started to fall under the delusion that I was getting heaven-sent signs and signals from God that the college I chose to go to that fall was going to be involved in a school shooting, with me being one of the victims. I seriously considered switching schools. Again, I wasted many hours online researching school shootings, etc, the most ridiculous I remember was coming up with statistical analysis of the probability of being in a school shooting based on the number of school shootings so far, how many colleges there are in the U.S., and even the probability of being a victim of the shooting IF the shooting DID occur at my school, etc. It was pathetic. Of course, this time was nearly as bad as the "brain cancer' episode, with my day-to-day function being severely affected. This obsession grew into an obsession of going to hell (yes I had a Christian upbringing and after coming across Christian websites became convinced that my particular denomination was misinterpreting the bible and we were all really doomed to go to hell). This fear sprang from me coming across fire-and-brimstone preachers on youtube, and since I was raised Christian, I pondered the "what if?" question and thought they may be right and I may be doomed because I wasn't submitting my life 100% to Jesus like they were. I remember sitting in the bathroom at my first year at the university (supposed to be a fun and exciting time right?), crying like a baby out of pure fear that I may go to hell. It was awful. At this point I prayed for God to just kill me now (preferably some way quick and painless) if I had any risk of going to hell, and simply "destroy" my soul so I wouldn't exist period (in heaven or hell). Isn't this some crazy shit? I feel ashamed to be sharing this but it's true, it happened.
More recently my "OCD" has evolved into fear of blood-borne pathogens like HIV, Hep C and germs (after a series of visits to a family member who had it, with me coming home showering and washing my hands just because I had touched his desk), and becoming convinced that somebody was trying to contaminate my food. If a sandwich I made didn't look right, or I had the slightest suspicion that something was wrong with it (and boy do I mean SLIGHTEST) in the garbage it went. I knew this was irrational, wasteful, and stupid, but I couldn't help it. It was like somebody was holding gun to my head saying "DO IT OR YOU WILL REGRET IT." I have more recently been washing my hands several times (3 times before eating with the hottest water I can tolerate to kill the germs). If I pulled, say, a soda off the shelf, I treated the outside of the container as if it was pulled from a toilet, and even designated one hand for eating (the sterile hand) and one hand for picking up the drink (which had an exterior that was contaminated). I have been plagued with the "always assume the worst" policy. In that, if buy a pack of turkey I must always get the one in the back because the first one must be covered in HIV and deadly germs. If I go to the store and grab, say, some mouth wash and there is only one left, lol, I am NOT getting it because there must be something wrong with it (contaminated), even though I know the most logical explanation is that the other ones simply sold first, and this is the only one left. If I am about to cook something, and need to use a cookie sheet, no matter how clean the pan is, I assume that a mouse took a diseased shit on it somewhere, and I proceed to wash it no less than 4 times before I am satisfied it is sterile enough FOR ME TO PUT TIN FOIL ON TOP OF, much less the actual food I want to cook.
It doesn't end there, as if germaphobia wasn't enough, I became convinced that somebody was out to kill me, and at the apartment I was living at (at college) had to check EVERY possible hiding space: under the beds, in the cupboards, in the closet, behind the shower curtain, and I wasn't satisfied with just one checking, I had to do this probably 3 times at least. Going to bed has become a 20 minute ritual. This continued even at my parent's house (where I am staying over the summer before school starts again) where I had to check to make sure the doors were locked (several times because checking once was insufficient) and check under beds, in closets, etc. If I didn't, I became convinced I would have my eyes cut out in my sleep by somebody hiding in our house/apartment.
In conclusion my OCD had seemingly harmless beginnings, but I think over the years it has evolved into what I think is the worst it's ever been (AKA now). It's so comforting to hear these stories about people with similar problems. If you managed to read through this, your thoughts are very much appreciated.