fallen18
Member
I have recently been seeking psychiatric help for OCD, and my psychologist is now having doubts as to whether I have OCD or not. So I'll describe my symptoms to the best of my ability because if this isn't OCD, I'd hate to think what else it might be and I would appreciate some feedback from people. I will warn sensitive readers now, this is a pretty nasty disorder. Basically I would describe what I have as HOCD but about violence. A sexual disorder based on the idea that I would find sexual pleasure or just pleasure in general from killing someone. This is not simply intrusive thoughts (although I DO have them), it seems much more like how I described it above. At this point I will stress that thoughts of violence do NOT give me erections and never have, no matter how hard I have tried in the past (to make sure I'm not doing it in a half-assed way), nor do violent thoughts make me feel aroused.
I can remember instances of OCD thinking as young as 7, when I felt compelled to say the opposite of what I had learned in scripture that day- to invite Satan into my heart instead of Jesus. Finally doing this caused me great anxiety and no matter how many repititions of repention came later I couldn't get rid of the sense that I was now irrevocably in for a long, hot afterlife. There are many other examples like this as a kid, but this more pertinent problem all started in 2003 when I was 18, and lasted that whole year. Then in '04 and '05, when I moved from home, the horrible thoughts and urges subsided, however for those two years I experienced an intense need to check locks, stoves etc. In other words, classic OCD symptoms. This was when I realised I have OCD (the violent thoughts of 2003 I regarded as a brief psychotic episode that had thankfully passed and that I would never tell anyone about). In '06 I started experimenting with drugs and after a few low dose trips on various substances, I began to doubt things about reality and my memory, and fear solipsism. This was my main problem up until a few months ago when the violent thoughts came back and overshadowed all other fears.
Phew, well that's the case history out of the way. However I need to explain some more about this condition. I have recently, as in 2003, felt compelled to masturbate over thoughts of killing people to remind myself that I don't want to do it. While masturbating I alternate my thoughts between ideation of stabbing or otherwise murdering family and friends, neutral objects such as chairs, cabinets, TVs, etc, and good ol' fashioned sex. Usually the violent thoughts feel no better than the thoughts of the "control" objects, and far less good than sex. When I see that the violent thoughts do not seem to make me ejaculate faster or feel better, I am relieved for a few hours, then doubt sets back in (did it REALLY not feel as good? Maybe you just didn't think about it hard enough? Maybe it will make you come faster NEXT time? Just some examples of how the doubt can affect me). If (and this happens rarely, but it has happened) the violent thoughts do seem (and I stress, seem) to make me come faster, then I feel horrified, sick, shameful and guilty to a tremendous extent.
This all pretty much started when I discovered that masturbating in school, leaving class to do it, made me come very fast. Somehow the "naughtiness" of doing this, the anxiety and fact that I shouldn't be doing this seemed to make me ejaculate very fast, and I have read before that anxiety can do this. This "naughtiness" factor seems to be what I fear and experience when doing it about violence. Like I said, it usually (95% of the time) doesn't seem to make me come faster, but when I started getting intrusive thoughts in 2003, I just HAD to know how it felt, and it did make me come very fast the first few times I did it back then. Of course it also made me feel shameful and disgusted with myself, and paved the way for this disorder. However, I have been able to come extremely quickly to random objects not too long ago (an aerosol can, yeah I know I'm a freak) and the “naughtiness” of doing it over guys when I was an early teen did the same to me then. Yet the doubt persists that masturbating over violence is "better", even though nothing special happens when I do it.
Well, there's a lot more to all this, but I feel as if I must be pushing the endurance (and stomachs) of most readers so I'll end here. Hope someone out there has some advice about whether this sounds like OCD, 'cause my psychologist's doubt scares the hell out of me.
I can remember instances of OCD thinking as young as 7, when I felt compelled to say the opposite of what I had learned in scripture that day- to invite Satan into my heart instead of Jesus. Finally doing this caused me great anxiety and no matter how many repititions of repention came later I couldn't get rid of the sense that I was now irrevocably in for a long, hot afterlife. There are many other examples like this as a kid, but this more pertinent problem all started in 2003 when I was 18, and lasted that whole year. Then in '04 and '05, when I moved from home, the horrible thoughts and urges subsided, however for those two years I experienced an intense need to check locks, stoves etc. In other words, classic OCD symptoms. This was when I realised I have OCD (the violent thoughts of 2003 I regarded as a brief psychotic episode that had thankfully passed and that I would never tell anyone about). In '06 I started experimenting with drugs and after a few low dose trips on various substances, I began to doubt things about reality and my memory, and fear solipsism. This was my main problem up until a few months ago when the violent thoughts came back and overshadowed all other fears.
Phew, well that's the case history out of the way. However I need to explain some more about this condition. I have recently, as in 2003, felt compelled to masturbate over thoughts of killing people to remind myself that I don't want to do it. While masturbating I alternate my thoughts between ideation of stabbing or otherwise murdering family and friends, neutral objects such as chairs, cabinets, TVs, etc, and good ol' fashioned sex. Usually the violent thoughts feel no better than the thoughts of the "control" objects, and far less good than sex. When I see that the violent thoughts do not seem to make me ejaculate faster or feel better, I am relieved for a few hours, then doubt sets back in (did it REALLY not feel as good? Maybe you just didn't think about it hard enough? Maybe it will make you come faster NEXT time? Just some examples of how the doubt can affect me). If (and this happens rarely, but it has happened) the violent thoughts do seem (and I stress, seem) to make me come faster, then I feel horrified, sick, shameful and guilty to a tremendous extent.
This all pretty much started when I discovered that masturbating in school, leaving class to do it, made me come very fast. Somehow the "naughtiness" of doing this, the anxiety and fact that I shouldn't be doing this seemed to make me ejaculate very fast, and I have read before that anxiety can do this. This "naughtiness" factor seems to be what I fear and experience when doing it about violence. Like I said, it usually (95% of the time) doesn't seem to make me come faster, but when I started getting intrusive thoughts in 2003, I just HAD to know how it felt, and it did make me come very fast the first few times I did it back then. Of course it also made me feel shameful and disgusted with myself, and paved the way for this disorder. However, I have been able to come extremely quickly to random objects not too long ago (an aerosol can, yeah I know I'm a freak) and the “naughtiness” of doing it over guys when I was an early teen did the same to me then. Yet the doubt persists that masturbating over violence is "better", even though nothing special happens when I do it.
Well, there's a lot more to all this, but I feel as if I must be pushing the endurance (and stomachs) of most readers so I'll end here. Hope someone out there has some advice about whether this sounds like OCD, 'cause my psychologist's doubt scares the hell out of me.
