Does she want to be left alone? Sorry, LONG

[Tara]

Hello, all,

This is my first post here. I have PTSD, and anxiety, so I can relate to lots of what I'm reading in here, but this post is not about my own problems.

I have a friend who's getting more and more isolated. She's in her mid thirties, and we've known eachother for say 8 years now. Some of this time we've lived in different countries, but we've stayed in touch. We've traveled together and I guess our relationship is a close friendship. At least it has been from time to time.

I am worried about her. Seriously worried. And I don't know how to deal with this. Any input would be highly appreciated.

For the past 5 years we've lived in the same town, about ten minutes apart. We've socialized on a regular basis, had dinner at eachother's place, gone for walks etc. I have been meeting up with some old gfs from school alot, and we've been including this one friend in our routine of taking turns having eachother over for dinner, which she SEEMS to have been enjoying.

She has told me about her problems at work, where she is still, after 4 years in the same place, the only one not joining the others at lunch, and feeling seriously left out, having to force herself to go when there is a function at work. She's shy, has always been, and doesn't seem to know how to make friends. I've been thinking about it, and I think the reason why we've become friends is that I understand the anxiety, and have been wanting the same isolation during my more depressed periods. (Also, I was the one initiating the friendship.) Therefore I could agree with her when she said the only thing she wanted to do was get home from work as quickly as possible and lock the door to the outside world. Seems the only thing she does at home is watch tv.

She has a few other aquaintances, she speaks on the phone from time to time with one of them, other than that her sisters and her parents are her whole network. And me.
She does not have internet at home, either.

Now, things took a turn for the worse when I got into a serious relationship a year and a half ago. I have been in lots of less serious "relationships" earlier on, and it hasn't seemed to bother her too much, but she's admitted to feeling worried since she's never even kissed a guy, and she's worried about never having children. She's gotten to the point where she's been considering getting pregnant through a sperm bank, having, I think, given up on ever being in a relationship. Her younger sisters are both mothers, which make things SO much worse for her.
I've been of some comfort to her, it seems, since we were in a somewhat similar situation, and since some of my other gfs that she met were also single.
When I realized that my new relationship was getting serious, and we were actually moving in together, I knew it would probably not be easy to deal with for her, so I made sure from day one, to include her just like before, and continue meeting up with her with and without my boyfriend, and did my best to not go on and on about my new "status". In fact, I must have seemed a little indifferent about the whole relationship, I tried to downplay it so much. Without making her uncomfortable for THAT reason, I am pretty sure.

Anyway, during the past year I've met up with her three times. I have tried several times, trying to keep it like it used to be, to invite her, to invite myself over, to initiate something, and the only thing holding me back is my own lack of selfconfidence. When someone replies to a third of my messages, and NEVER initiates anything, I feel that they don't want too much to do with me.
Fair enough, that hurts, but that would be her choice.
HOWEVER, I am the only friend she's got. And through me she met these other girls, -friendly ppl with their own issues making them very non-intimidating. And she's never made an effort to stay in touch with them independently, so she would still need me to go along with her to meet up with them. So if she pushes me out of her life completely, she'd be left with noone.
Now, I am nowhere near perfect, but wouldn't you think that having SOMEONE is better than having NOONE?

When one year had passed since I started my relationship with my boyfriend I confronted her in a message and asked if she did not want any more contact with me. I immediately got a reply saying of course she wanted to stay in touch and so on, she had just been "socially lazy". But I've been thinking, how could anyone answer anything differently without being hurtful? So I am still not sure. Since then she's met up with us girls at one dinner, and she has agreed to come to the next one, so she's kinda being social, but I am still not hearing from her at all. Is it the one-on-one contact she doesn't want anymore?
I know she hates having to compare herself to people living the life you're "supposed" to live, and I have agreed with her on that so many times, but I have so many problems with my studies and work and so on, due to my PTSD, that she's the one doing the "right thing" in that sector, and me having a boyfriend shouldn't make it more than "even", if this is some sort of comparison-game. It frustrates me so much.

I wish I knew for real that she is happier on her own, that she prefers this life of no contact, but I just can't believe that it would be better for her.
I have wrecked my brain trying to see if there would be anything else in the relationship between us that has changed, and all I can see is maybe I am happier now, but surely she should see that I deserve some happiness, especially after being depressed ALOT earlier. It can't be jealousy like that, I really don't think so.

So, although I know that none of us can really know how she feels, I thought I'd ask you what you think. Some of you seem to be in a similar situation and you seem to have great insight, so some advice from you would be greatly appreciated.

Would she want me to keep "pestering" her altough I have a boyfriend, or is it better to be left alone?

 

[Scrabbl]

Me too I have a friend who I'm always pestering to hang out or go somewhere together but he's always making up lame excuses to not go. First of all he's a terrible liar, also I know for a fact that he's got nothing to do at home. He doesn't like watching TV; he doesn't play video games; he says he sleeps most of the time. I dont understand how he can cope with so little social interaction. He's got a girlfriend too, so technically I should be jealous of him lol..

I have no real advice for us. I think we just have to find other friends to hang out with

 

[Edgar Rice Burrito]

I might be able to relate to your friend. I know that when I was younger I isolated myself from the world without ever intending to. I failed to/was unable to maintain friendships for a long while. It took the initiative of other people to get me out of my shell.

I wouldn't necessarily interpret your friends lack of response as a lack of interest in the relationship, or as a sign of discomfort over your newfound happiness. It just might be the lack of "friend skills" that she seems to be burdened with.

Whether she expresses/realizes it or not now, I would guess that she would still appreciate having you in her life. I think that is how I would feel in her situation.

 

[Tara]

Thank you for your replies! I won't be giving up on her. Just trying to maintain some sort of balance and staying in touch .

 

[redski]

You sound like a really good friend and I wish I had friends like you.
Do not give up on her unless she specifically tells you to.
It's so easy to lose contact with people.

 

[mercercles]

I can also relate to your friend. I never initiate any kind of social contact with anyone. But when my friend calls me, 99% of the time I jump at the chance to hang out with someone. Can't do parties anymore though.

It might be best if you suggested your friend find professional help. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely beneficial that she has a friend like you and can get some social exposure. But her social anxiety sounds quite severe. Too much exposure can actually be harmful in that case, until she has some way of managing the anxiety.

She is probably very grateful to have a friend like you, but it is very difficult to communicate something like that with severe social anxiety.