Does anyone feel gang-uped upon?

Orlando

Well-known member
#1
I noticed I have a specific problem with relationships. I worry about offending people. Once I have this worry in my mind, it becomes an obsession, pervading my thoughts until the issue is concluded (usaually, I appologize). Some people would characterize me as thoughtful and consciencious. However, I think that I have taken it to an extreme. It's painful because I worry about everything I say or do when I'm around people. Now, I think how can I relax around people? How can I be genuine? There is a difference in between being nice to people because you care about them and being nice to people because you are frightened of them.
I am the youngest of five children. I am much younger than my others brothers and sisters (they are all around the same age). They were the ones that took care of me when I grew up. My mom was busy working (Nurse) and my father was away at sea (Navy). I remember they imposed rules upon me, "Do the dishes. Clean your bed. etc."....and I would refuse and get into these big fights (yelling and hitting). After a while, I remember giving up. I thought to myself, "What is the point of being angry? They are just going to win anyway. They would all go against me (refuse to talk to me or yell at me as a group) and I would lose (do what they say or just end up hating myself).
I guess that is one of the reasons why I worry about offending people. I feel that if I offend one person then that person will tell everybody and I'll be hated by everyone.
It is kinda interesting that my childhood affects the present, that I'm living in the this world with the mindset that I obtained since I was a child.
Does anyone else feel this way? Do you feel that if you insult one person then you will insult everyone? Do you feel that it gets in your way in having relationships? I keep people at a distance because I don't ever want to offend them. I don't want fear to be the principal emotion in any of my relationships (with family or friends). I want to be closer but I need to take risks.....Does anyone else feel the same way?
 
#2
That's still happening to me! :x When I get angry, instead of standing up for what I think I just shrug inside and say to myself, "What's the point? Me getting mad is only going to make things worse". I know I'm supposed to fight the fight for the sake of my pride or honour or something... I've forgotten the word, how sad is that... when I weigh it all up, I'd rather be bossed around than start pointless, no-win fights that screw the whole situation up even more. Maybe this sounds silly, but I think that the few times I don't give up and deliver a really great, "checkmate" argument, I get punished anyway... for hurting my parents' pride!
Mum: "Okay, you just pointed out why my decision to make you come home after ten minutes of being at X's house is impractical and unfair... so now you can't go out at all!" :twisted:
She may as well add: "Now go to your room and think about what you've done!"
I should mention that I don't actually say "checkmate"... now that would be funny!

Orl, you're certainly not the only one who worries too much about what others think. I think this is what characterises SP, shyness and the like. The good thing is that we realise the fear is excessive. The bad thing is that knowing that doesn't stop us from feeling anxious! I wish more people understood this. But you've heard all this before.
There is a difference in between being nice to people because you care about them and being nice to people because you are frightened of them.
That is so true. Everyone thinks I'm so nice, which is good. I like to think I am nice, as in kind-hearted, but I feel like I'm "nice" as in weak, submissive and unassertive. I also fear that other people think that way about me. The trouble is, in order to show people that I do have a personality, I'll have to sacrifice some of that "niceness"... DUN-DUN-DUN! What would people think?! :roll:
And like you said, this does affect relationships. I don't want people to realise I have bad points besides being overly shy. As stupid as it sounds, I worry that they might think they were tricked somehow, instead of thinking they were just getting to know me better. I want people to like me - or more correctly, to not dislike me - so I be as agreeable as possible to keep that "niceness" thing going... wow, I'm really starting to loathe that word right now.
It sounds scary, but people like us are going to have to prove that we're not just "nice"! We're kind, we're fun, we're horrible, we get angry, we don't click with every person on the planet, we're... what's the word? Oh, that's right. HUMAN. :wink: [/i]
 

richkid

Well-known member
#3
I'm not one to argue see my parents do it and its just childish can't be arsed with it, People see me as laid back but I feel it goes to far. A big issue here I think is control. I have an older brother who is fairly confident clever than me and with this gets what he wants basically. I hate to thought of as a push over or a puppet that can be dictated so sometimes I might not argue but listen and see where I can comprimise to get the most out of it for myself.

This fear of not being liked controls me, I think I should be more in control of my life thats what I plan to do.
 

Orlando

Well-known member
#4
Green & Richkid,

I understand. What is really weird is that I like this 'nice' personality. It's like a part of my identity, just like SA. Those are like the two words that can describe me best. You know what I'm sick of it. I feel like a cardboard cut-out, having no spontaneity. Am I unique? No, I'm nice. Yuck! (Richkid, do you feel that you identify yourself as laidback. Green, do you identify yourself as nice also.) This nice thing got me close to people, people are friendly to me, but still I feel lonely and cut off. It's just so weird that something can be so good can also be bad for me also.....
 
#5
I know the feeling...

I definately understand that feeling, only I was the oldest of 4 children. !0 years between me and the next oldest...I was always expected to take care of my siblings, even quit school to take care of them (of course, I had no complaints there since I had no friends and didn't fit in). When someone comes to visit me I can't ask them to leave no matter how badly I want to go to bed or whatever, if someone at the store makes a mistake and over charges me or something, I can't bring myself to say anything about it...Hell, I can't even hang up on a telemarketer...I'm always so scared of hurting someones feelings...I've been walked on and taken advantage of my whole life because I'm afraid to say anything.
 

Orlando

Well-known member
#6
Hi, Rhian.

I hate that feeling too. It's like some Catch-22. Everytime, I try to make other people happy, I feel terrible. (Going out of my way to make others happy, to be extra thoughtful.) It's like I feel like the dust on the floor, being of less worth or value. However, when I feel lazy or reluctant to do anything nice for people, I feel like a selfish piece of sh*t. For me, it is hard to find a middle ground where I can just accept myself for who I am and be genuine (and be ok with it.)
 
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