Does Anyone Else Feel it Would be Cruel?

[MMGiru]

I'm speaking here about romance. It's also quite plausible I'm speaking from a place of cowardice, but let's set that aside a moment. The question is, for someone like myself -- which, I'd imagine there're a few on here -- does anyone feel that engaging someone else in romance would be cruel to the other party?

Let's take me, for a moment. I'm a depressive, avoidant, reclusive deadbeat, essentially; never had a job, dropped out of high school, and I can't drive. Now, I tend to be pretty upfront about all that when meeting people that I'll be working with in some capacity; typically, for a 1x1 play-by-post. But if, for whatever reason, a person is either not made aware of these details, or is not appropriately dissuaded, is it then cruel to engage with them romantically?

Not that I'm likely to come across an opportunity, but I'd like to hear anyone else's opinion on this.

 

[Lowlight]

That is a good question.

It seems that people will often make assumptions that everyone has life skills like driving or employment history. I can't blame them because most likely everyone they have met before has had such skills.

To answer your question, I don't think cruel is the right term. Something more like inadvertently dishonest to a point.

Lets play this scenario out. You meet someone who you like and want to make a connection with. If you are HONEST about yourself during the initial phases, and a relationship is struck, it is no fault of yours that your shortcomings have not been specifically addressed. If you tried to hide or cover up these facts you would be in the wrong.

If your opening line is, “Hi, I'm a mess. Would you like to date me?” you are probably going to scare the other person off. Even if it is true that you are a “mess” putting this negative self image first will obscure any positive attributes that the other person could see in you. If you are a good human being and attract the attention of someone because of this then the other person could like you, and further problems could be addressed with a kinder outlook. A girl could think, “He is a cool guy, but I just found out about his problems. Well from what I have seen of him so far I'm not going to give up on him yet!”

Further on if there comes a point where your shortcomings become known in your relationship it is merely up to your partner to decide if these qualities are going to be a “deal breaker”. This is a great judge of if the person is a good fit for you. You need someone to understand you and maybe even help you with your problems.

If the person is “normal” then if they wanted to find another partner they have that ability. You needn't feel that you have caused them a great wound that they can never recover from. You, like most of us on here, would be the only real loser in that a monumental amount of stress and anxiety would have been exerted for a relationship that did not work out. Would you be a loser though? The only way to get better at dating is to go on dates and hone your craft. There is no telling how many people you need to go through in order to find the right person.

It is a good thing that you are thinking of the other person when dealing with getting into relationships (it illustrates compassionate character on your part). The problem I see is that you are trying to judge your life instead of leaving that job for your would be partner. If we were all to take the role of deciding whether or not to get into a relationship with us, we would invariably choose not to. We have to let the other person have a say! Even with all our faults someone could see something special and unique in us that is of value. You have to give romance a chance before it can come to fruition.

Just be honest about yourself. That is really the only thing in your control.

 

[Flanscho]

Let's put it like this: my aim in a relationship is to make my partner happy. If I'd be 100% sure that I'm not in a situation to make a partner happy, I'd work on myself first.

 

[MMGiru]

Hmm. Thank you both for your reasoned opinions. I suppose as long as I bear in mind that I'm not a viable romantic candidate, and make sure no one suffers any misunderstandings thereabouts, there shouldn't be any difficulties. Even if Prozac doesn't particularly agree with this strategy.

 

[Bronson99]

Let's put it like this: my aim in a relationship is to make my partner happy.

In addition to yourself.