Do you think people are horrible?

[charlieHungerford]

I know its kind of a funny question and is very much linked to my other post of 'Do you believe people always judge you critically', but I am currently really struggling to believe that people are not horrible.

I am wondering what do you think of people?

I just think that my biggest problem seems to be that I have no trust in other people in life (other than those I know well enough to trust are not horrible). I think I believe that because I did get ridiculed, put downs, name calling, etc on a daily basis through my high school years and during college and I have lost faith in people - hence being very self aware and self conscious around people, because I feel people are being critical.

I also believe that it seems like people are really shallow and looks orientated when it comes to how they judge people. They always do say nice guys come last!

I took my grandma for a day out to her favourite city a few weeks ago and as we was walking up the street there were 3 lads about 17 years old and one shouted 'You big lanky bastard'. I was thinking what? The funny thing is I kind of expected it to happen because that is how I believe so many people are.

I do feel that when I am centre of attention people look at me negatively.
I have beliefs that no woman could ever be interested in me.

I don't think I trust people at all in life (not in terms of lending money to) but in terms of trusting people are nice. I just think people are horrible and nasty. Is it any wonder I feel so self conscious and anxious around people when I feel people are so horrible and are likely to be so critical of me?

Do you think people are horrible?

 

[Starry]

I'm sorry about what happened to you when you were with your Grandma.

Some people! :evil:

Yes, I definitely think the majority of people are horrible/nasty/cruel/mean/vindictive/judgemental/rude/obnoxious/selfish/cold-hearted etc.. (I could go on for a very long time, so I'll stop there lol)

I have a very hard time trusting people too. I don't think I trust anyone 100% I have a few people who come very close, but I don't think I trust anyone at all completely. I always think people are trying to find negatives about me; Trying to find a way to be horrible, no matter how I act, what I look like or what I say, someone will always find a way to hurt me. I know it's not true that everyone's like that though.

There are people out there who can be trusted, who aren't like the majority: Who are caring, compassionate, friendly, kind, dependable, honest - Nice. The world needs more nice people!

The phrase may be that Nice guys finish last, and perhaps that's true with the majority - But it's certainly not true with genuine people!

 

[charlieHungerford]

Thanks Starry.

I want to sort this out by the end of the weekend and put this all behind me. I mean I feel very negative about people unless I trust them.

But how much of our perception of people has been based on teenagers when we were growing up, who ridiculed us? I mean my perception of people is based mainly on teenagers and horrible insensitive jerks. But teenagers - I was immature and horrible at times as a teenager, I have changed so much and I have to give those kids that ridiculed me the benefit of the doubt that they too have changed and grown up too.
As for those insensitive jerks, I feel its important to know that with a billion or so people on earth, there will be a % of insensitive jerks, what they say has to be taken with a pinch of salt. Its time to get thicker skinned and to take no notice at all of such people. That 17 year old who shouted like that, was not even worth taking any notice of, he is immature and horrible, he probably insults loads of people, he looked so rough, he is a nobody in my book.

Its time I started trusting people - judging people as innocent as being a nice person who is non critical until proven guilty. I mean we are all allowed flaws, no one is perfect, we are human! I need to desensitise and become thicker skinned of people thinking negatives about me.

I realise that I notice flaws in people, but seeing that flaw is not what defines them as a person - I don't judge them on one flaw, I judge them as a whole package of everything. I think most people are the same.

I need to start liking everyone and trust people are nice, that way I would like to think I will not be self conscious or feel danger as to what they are thinking. Because that is how I am with people I trust and know are not critical. If someone proves me wrong that they are not nice and they are critical, they can do one!

 

[random]

Charlie,
I don't think people are horrible but I do think I understand what you mean and why you feel that way. I often feel that way but I am beginning to change my view.

My trust has been so completely destroyed over the years that I have an incredibly hard time trusting anymore - I don't even want to try, usually. I believe that part of this stems from the fact that I automatically surrounded myself with people who tore me down because....I'm not kidding here.....I missed my family!?! I mean - I surrounded myself with people I understood etc. I think many people have issues that make them painful for people around them. I think I gravitate toward that kind of person (low self esteem).
But it's not all bad. I listen to people who are so willing to devote their lives to helping others, people who helped me too, and I realize that supportive and kind people are out there but I don't recognize them or often don't feel comfortable around them (they are almost 'too' normal for me to understand- I don't know how to trust them anymore).
I recently read a book about 'Safe People' (written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend) that really got to me. It went through, like a catalogue, detailing behaviors in people that make them 'unsafe' (destructive) to people around them. I felt overwhelmed because I thought it described everyone etc. but then I realize that it described everyone that I felt comfortable around (I hate me and they hate me - what could be wrong with that!?) I actually got pretty depressed first but out of the ashes comes hope. This book ( I bought it used) gives me a list of traits that you can use to decide if you should trust someone or invest time in them. It doesn't require people to be perfect to be trustworthy but it does give me guidelines that I can use to find people who are reasonably healthy. I still feel a bit overwhelmed because I don't know people who could pass this test (my workplace is full of wounded individuals - that's why we all work there despite the denigration) but I begin to think that I can 'do this', that is I can begin to make better choices about people. Making an effort will take me outside my comfort zone because as a person with low self esteem - I'm a bit uncomfortable around people who have functioning self esteem. I'll put the link to a description of the book below. It is written for Christians (particularly its encouragememt) but it's testbook like structure and lists of safe and unsafe traits and examples seem to be independent of personal faith.

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-D..._bbs_sr_1/102-0737313-1609709?ie=UTF8&s=books

I do know that people can be mean for no reason at all - your story reminds me of a time when I was with an elderly woman going into a restaurant. A man drove by us and yelled at me that I was ugly etc. THen, as we waited to be seated in the restaurant - he and his buddy ended up standing in line behind me. Then they acted like embarrassed little boys (in the parking lot they were SO TOUGH). I think people who verbally claw others for no reason are not driven by the outside world (us - who we are etc.) but are driven by their own, different damage and vices.

 

[random]

Oh and I forgot to mention that, like you, I want to learn to have a tougher skin around people. I just realized that one way I struggle is when people corner me to try to force me to tell them whatever they want to know. For example - my sister and I had a 3 hour drive to go home. WHen I got in the car she demanded to know what my decision was about my grand father's will. I said I wanted to think about etc. because I knew she wanted the right to make that decision for me and if I described how I felt - she would abuse me until I said what she wanted. I tried to back her off but she raged at me for 3 hours. I caved at some point and told her more about my own opinions than I wanted to - she then beat me with that information for many miles. This has happened other times. (mother demanded to know why I was down- told me that my not saying how I felt was hurting her etc. ) or (friend put me on the spot several times until I admitted that I had been having panic attacks - she meant well but I didn't want to talk about it) It's as if I can have no privacy - as if others have the power to 'read my diary' (demand to know my private thoughts and use guilt, social pressure, and verbal abuse to get it) whenver they want. I believe if I develop defenses (thicker skin) to back people off - then I will feel less anxious around people. This is just one way I think I need 'thicker skin'.

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

I think most people are horrible.

 

[Horatio]

it isn't that the majority of people are horrible but more that the majority of people are people

people and selfish beings primarily looking out for personal gain, especially people in modern western society

why people with SP/SA commoningly find people to be horrible is because we make easy targets for them. they see our weakness and automatically seek to exploit it for their personal gain, be that a belittling joke in front of others, or someone to offload their frustration onto or perhaps using you as a stepping stone to lift their self esteem a tiny bit higher

ironically socialphobia is selfish also, but in another manner. when we walk into a social situation we selfishly presume everyone is looking at us, thinking about us, anaylising us like we analyse ourselves.

once we realise that everyone else is selfish then we quickly realise we arent the centre of attention. but our weakness is a potential means for others gain.

people arent horrible

people are selfish

 

[Jack-B]

Whats the difference between a person and a negative thought?

I feel it's important to distinguish the two. When we are bombarded by negative thoughts ourself, we notice how we completely lack any sort of real control, its like being possesed to some degree.

So when others seem to be horrible, its like they are experiencing a lack of control, possesed by their own negative thoughts, prisoners of their own minds. Yes they may come across as horrible but they themselves are not really in control, its like they are being controlled by their own mind. A mind that is in control seeks not to harm others because it sees the truth that others suffer. It's like when a child doesn't know how to behave because it hasnt learnt how to behave properly.

Seen in this light, we can say that although people act in horrible ways, its not really them at all, they are mistaken, slaves to their own minds without any real freedom.

Horatio is almost right in saying that people are selfish. The person who acts in a selfish way, thats all of us, is under the control of their own mind. Thinking more about their own happiness and freedom than anyone elses, this is both very noticeable and also very subtle. But that selfish mind isnt us, is it?

 

[xkiss_me_nowx]

from what i've experienced, and what my mother has experienced as i was a child.. most people are horrible.
i hardly like many people, and as for my mother, she doesnt like hardly anyone. and god, i dont blame her.most people are selfish, only think of themselfs, put number one first, well ive always put other people first, and me last. i help people with there problems, but when IM in a problem, well its a different story, that is what most people are like in this world.
however, you do get the odd nice person, but there usually so hard to find. if only everyone was like that this world would be so much better.

 

[spct]

there are nice people out there so i believe you should always give someone the benefit of the doubt when you first encounter them

& if they prove you wrong, just cut them out your life if possible, or otherwise try to ignore them & don't let them bother you since you don't really have any reason to care what people like that think of you anyway

don't let the minority (or maybe even the majority) dictate how you feel about other people

i know plenty of nice people although i do have trust issues as well

however, that's probably more down to my insecurities than anything else

anyway, just look at yourself to see proof that nice people do exist (assuming you are a nice person, lol)

i'd certainly like to consider myself a nice & caring person, although, admittedly, sometimes i struggle to express that side of me as much as i'd like, mainly because of SA i guess, although i don't like using that as an excuse