Do you know why you have SA?

[fauxleigh]

I hate to bring my parents...
Back when I was around 5, I have a lot of friends until one day when I was celebrating a festival with my family in a park near my living area, I saw some teenagers around 16, like I said I was very outgoing at that time, I go and sitted next to them and followed them running around for a while then they told me I'm too little that I should leave. I cried and my parents told me something like "Not everyone can be your friends" and this have totally stuck in my minds and changed my whole life. That's how I have my SA.

 

[anomicdeer]

One reason might be...
I don't want to be unsuccessful.

When I think of not getting anywhere... I think of what people may thing of me. Then that leads to other thoughts...

 

[jbeenthere]

I was always shy around girls and when a girl I was really into broke up with me my SA just hit - Bam!. I was very embarrassed by what my coaches and others would think if they knew I was so shy around girls i really liked. I just became very paranoid about doing anything that would show my erroneously perceived weakness. and my brother had gone off to college that year and he was my main father figure after my folks divorced. so there was existing stress which probably helped bring on the SA.

 

[Felgen]

There are plenty of reasons, but the main reason in my case is Asperger's syndrome and parents that used me as a scapegoat to feel better about themselves. Because of Asperger's syndrome, I've had to learn social skills intellectually rather than intuitively.

 

[Masychefx2]

i think it started in primary school as i was bullied by the older kids


and then getting moved to a different primary school a year later and feeling not close to anyone as they all bonded already

 

[EscapeArtist]

One reason might be...
I don't want to be unsuccessful.

When I think of not getting anywhere... I think of what people may thing of me. Then that leads to other thoughts...

This I can completely relate to. I'm terrified of failure!
Also, another reason that nobody has mentioned (and i'm not sure if anybody can relate to) is that i'm very uncomfortable in my body. The only time I was comfortable in my body was a few months ago, I lost a bunch of weight by consuming 400-700 calories a day and working off 500 each day as well. It's at this point I realised that I was so happy with my body because I didn't have breasts. Then I faced rejection with the first girl I've ever had a huge crush on, hanging out with her for the first time was the most awkward day of my life. From that day on she ditched me all other times we set something up. The very day after I stuffed my face with cookies andd well now I've gained 15 pounds back in 3 months. Suddenly, I am realising I hate my female body.... I don't want to say the word, and i'm still unsure whether it's having a female body or just having breasts that upsets me... This is not a good turn for somebody who already has SA. :: I hope somebody can relate? x[

 

[Luthien]

This I can completely relate to. I'm terrified of failure!
Also, another reason that nobody has mentioned (and i'm not sure if anybody can relate to) is that i'm very uncomfortable in my body. The only time I was comfortable in my body was a few months ago, I lost a bunch of weight by consuming 400-700 calories a day and working off 500 each day as well. It's at this point I realised that I was so happy with my body because I didn't have breasts. Then I faced rejection with the first girl I've ever had a huge crush on, hanging out with her for the first time was the most awkward day of my life. From that day on she ditched me all other times we set something up. The very day after I stuffed my face with cookies andd well now I've gained 15 pounds back in 3 months. Suddenly, I am realising I hate my female body.... I don't want to say the word, and i'm still unsure whether it's having a female body or just having breasts that upsets me... This is not a good turn for somebody who already has SA. :: I hope somebody can relate? x[

Okay, first off, I can TOTALLY relate to the fear of failure. Not only am I afraid of failing I have absurdly high standards for myself. I realized the other day that I don't think I'm hideous or bad at the things I do, I'm just not good enough and that makes me feel like a total failure. I'm so obsessed with being the "best" and the "prettiest" and all that crap. Sometimes I think it's gotta be from the media I consumed as a kid. Would the prince have loved Snow White if she wasn't "the fairest in the land" every girl role model from my childhood was the best or the kindest or the prettiest or whatever... I don't want to want that anymore, it's such a horrible drain on my self esteem. I'm just not sure how to fight it. I wrote a blog post all about failure one day and then I posted a follow up displaying things I felt like I failed at so that I could just put it out there, instead of being so obsessed with only sharing what I think is the "best". If you'd like to read it, it's here:Over Under just scroll down to the post labeled "REJECTION and the fear of failure" and then the one above it is me trying to face that fear.

When it comes to body issues, I totally have them. I've gained 60 lbs in the past 3 years. I was never happy with body before but it's even worse now. I make a conscious effort not to think about my weight or how I look but to focus on how I feel. I'm eating really healthy stuff all the time and trying to get exercise by doing yoga (although I was having a hard time motivating myself for months, today I did it!!) One thing that really helps me is not having any mirrors. I have two really little ones, that I can use to look at my face and hair, but other than that what I don't see is a lot easier to ignore.

I wish I could tell you I relate to your feelings about your femininity, but I really can't. I've always been such a girly girl. But I know a lot of transgender folks (I even have a friend who's daughter decided at the age of 5 that she wanted to be a boy and still is, now, at 10) I found this terrific photo on flickr that I sent to her for her son because I know how hard it is for him and my friend told me that she's felt the same way her whole life. Here's the link if you want to check it out, it's got a huge explanation and it might help: When I grow up, I wanna be just like you on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

good luck and I hope you feel better

 

[Grah]

I really don't know was hoping counselling would help me figure it out, just need to start counselling

 

[EscapeArtist]

Wow, Luthien, I read your blog and I can relate so much. I see myself as this person who can do ANYTHING... and because of that, I must become the best of [insert present interest here]. If it's philosophy, If it's nature, If it's playing the drums, becoming an ecologist, an anthropologist, botanist, long distant runner, a hobo, I'm going to be a one that will turn the whole world around and die with the world's attention, and I would cut my life off early to make that success happen. My standards are so different from the rest of the world's. If I don't fit what I see as 'nature's standards', added with my potential, I give up completely and become depressed. I used to tell myself I was a reincarnation of somebody great who was put here to change everything. I guess this gave me something to live for, and i've been praised (for no reason) all my life for my ability to learn whatever I want quickly (because I obsess over it).

It's a lot of help just reading something so relatable...very appreciated, all you said =]

 

[Luthien]

Wow, Luthien, I read your blog and I can relate so much. I see myself as this person who can do ANYTHING... and because of that, I must become the best of [insert present interest here]. If it's philosophy, If it's nature, If it's playing the drums, becoming an ecologist, an anthropologist, botanist, long distant runner, a hobo, I'm going to be a one that will turn the whole world around and die with the world's attention, and I would cut my life off early to make that success happen. My standards are so different from the rest of the world's. If I don't fit what I see as 'nature's standards', added with my potential, I give up completely and become depressed. I used to tell myself I was a reincarnation of somebody great who was put here to change everything. I guess this gave me something to live for, and i've been praised (for no reason) all my life for my ability to learn whatever I want quickly (because I obsess over it).

It's a lot of help just reading something so relatable...very appreciated, all you said =]

OH MY GOD, YES!! I'm totally the same way! I tend to be very good at things I do, too because I totally obsess over them in this unreasonable way. Like when I learned how to walk on a slack line, it was hard but I did it for like 6 hours until I could do it. Everyone was like, wow, you learned that so fast! But really, 6 hours was NOT fast. I just can't seem to stop until I feel like I've accomplished what I want. The problem is, if I can't keep up that standard of getting better and better at this alarming rate, then I'm a failure. Like playing accordion, I totally got good super fast, but I feel like now, it's not impressive to say, I've only been playing for 5 years. Like I should be ten times better than this! I actually stopped playing because I felt that after 5 years I should be writing gut-wrenchingly beautiful music and I'm not so *bloop* failure. And now I have barely touched it in a year.