charlieHungerford
Well-known member
If so why?
(that is my shortest post ever).
(that is my shortest post ever).
Do you care what people think of you?
- Thread starter charlieHungerford
- Start date
signs05
Well-known member
There is really no logical reason to care about what people think. Most people with social phobia know that their fears are exagerated and completely out of place, its however about going from words to action. Social phobics have good knowledge about what is realistic and what is not, but they need to know how to implement this knowledge into real life situations.
A good start would be to do something embarrasing, or something that draws people attention to you each day, to see if the thought "what people care is important to my own happiness" is really correct.
AHAIHIANANOIAEFAEFIAEJIFJIEFJEIJFIEJIFJIAEJIFJIAIEFNAENF9
34w095346839689385693
(like that
)
A good start would be to do something embarrasing, or something that draws people attention to you each day, to see if the thought "what people care is important to my own happiness" is really correct.
AHAIHIANANOIAEFAEFIAEJIFJIEFJEIJFIEJIFJIAEJIFJIAIEFNAENF9
34w095346839689385693
(like that
)
nope1
Well-known member
The problem with Social Phobic people is that we care WAAAAAY too much about what other people say.
The answer: We must find a healthy balance.
Nobody can say that they don't care. If that was the case, the world will be a hell lot of a dangerous place. People will just do their stuff, even if it's dangerous to other people, just... wouldn't care.
The problem is finding a balance where you have a good self-esteem and taking the CRITICISM into a positive behavior. You must do your stuff in order to advance in life, but you must also take criticism to perfect one self. But that doesn't mean we must do what everybody tells us to do, no. It means that we must think about what other say to us and then developing one self accordingly.
But for that, we must remove all the negative thoughts hunting us. We are humans, if you have a dream, try to do anything to achieve it. But then, you'll have to confront what people say about you and then changing into positive in your own manner.
Thought like "People are laughing at me" "They think I'm stupid" "They'll laugh at my stuttering" "They won't like me" "I'm too boring" "People won't like to talk to me" "People will notice that I'm shy"... these are destructive thoughts. If you think this way, you (and me) must develop a rational thoughts about these saying. We must differentiate from the real and from the what not...
...
The answer: We must find a healthy balance.
Nobody can say that they don't care. If that was the case, the world will be a hell lot of a dangerous place. People will just do their stuff, even if it's dangerous to other people, just... wouldn't care.
The problem is finding a balance where you have a good self-esteem and taking the CRITICISM into a positive behavior. You must do your stuff in order to advance in life, but you must also take criticism to perfect one self. But that doesn't mean we must do what everybody tells us to do, no. It means that we must think about what other say to us and then developing one self accordingly.
But for that, we must remove all the negative thoughts hunting us. We are humans, if you have a dream, try to do anything to achieve it. But then, you'll have to confront what people say about you and then changing into positive in your own manner.
Thought like "People are laughing at me" "They think I'm stupid" "They'll laugh at my stuttering" "They won't like me" "I'm too boring" "People won't like to talk to me" "People will notice that I'm shy"... these are destructive thoughts. If you think this way, you (and me) must develop a rational thoughts about these saying. We must differentiate from the real and from the what not...
...
charlieHungerford
Well-known member
I totally agree with you all.
The reason I ask was because I was out shopping yesterday when it was really busy and felt really self conscious, even though the previous week I had desensitised what people were thinking of me - i.e. believing and understanding that people were not being critical of me, even if they are looking at me they are not being critical of me. I worked hard on this and believe it all, so was not happy to feel self conscious.
However, it got me thinking, is there something I have not addressed? And it made me realise that me working on believing people are not being critical of me basically shows the fact what people think of me and see me is important. i.e. instead of believing people are not being critical, I should be thinking, hang on a moment, it doesn't matter whatsoever what people think of me, I am me, this is who I am, I am a good person and respect people, but if you don't like me then you can shove it.
I started looking into why I care about what people think of me and why any negative feedback is so hurtful - basically looking into how this has developed. What is so clear is that I have got to the point where what people think of me and worried about people thinking negative of me has become habbit and I no longer think about why it is important or it hurts, it just hurts for the sake of it. I have basically just lost the plot, believing its such a big deal when we all know it isn't.
Being self conscious around people as to what they may think of me, what is the point? If someone thinks I am weird, ugly, stupid, pathetic, etc - what does worrying about what people are thinking achieve? If someone thinks something negative of me - I won't even know what they are thinking so why worry about it? If they are thinking negatives of me, what does it matter? i.e. if I was thinking negatives of you reading this, what does it matter to you? What impact does it have on your life? Even if I said something out loud that was negative towards you, what does it matter? Its one person - a loud mouth who is insensitive, it doesn't make it a fact what that person is saying. i.e. I told my friend I fancied this girl at work and my friend said she is ugly (he only said that to me) but that is his opinion, my opinion is very different. But what does it matter to her? We are in no physical danger with a negative comment, a negative comment can be laughed off if you take it in a good manner and people instantly forget what was said. We all know this. But it shows that there is something very wrong in the way we think about what people think of us matters.
Just remember that everyone who doesn't have SA, the vast majority are nice people who wouldn't hurt anyone, they treat people well and respect people's feelings, but they don't worry about what people think of them like we do. Any arguments that if we didn't care what people think means we would turn into insensitive jerks is just not right, we all want to treat people the way we want to be treat ourselves. But not caring about what people thinks simply means that we will live life being who we are, instead of living a restricted life, letting what people think of us take over.
So I have started analysing where my beliefs of why what people think of me is such a big deal to me. And I have traced it back to ridicule and put downs from my high school days. i.e. I got ridiculed for a speech impediment, being skinny, people said I was ugly, I was just called so many horrible names and people always pointing out my flaws and being nasty to me. It basically hurt me loads back then, people just putting me down and saying nasty things to me and about me just for the sake of doing it. I basically became so worried that people will be thinking negative things of me and will ridicule me that I was always so worried what people are thinking and that if people see me or hear me they will ridicule me, insult me, etc. I seem to have become stuck in this way of thinking - to be wary of what people are thinking of me, that people will insult me, ridicule me, think I am not good enough. And I still feel so much hurt when someone does say something negative/insulting about me, but of course it doesn't happen these days, I am 28!
So I started analysing the thinking patterns I got into back in high school that I was so self conscious about what people think of me, worried what people will be thinking of me and how much negative comments hurt me. Basically this is where things went wrong! I took things incredibly hard and was extremely hurt, but I didn't take things into context of the reality. i.e. school kids can be so horrible, they ridiculed everyone for any flaw, not just me. I remember people being ridiculed for their weight, their height, their ears, if they wore glasses, how they spoke, if people had spots, if people wore cheap clothes, if people wore a brace in their mouth, if they had big nose, if they had a funny haircut, etc. I took what was being said just so hard. I mean people always called me names about being skinny, such as matchstick man, beanpole, rake, etc - it hurt me so much. But now I think why? Is being called skinny such a bad insult? I am not skinny anymore, I really am very happy with my weight now.
If someone ridiculed me for my voice and speech impediment which they did, I hated it so much, I felt like a freak. The reality was that its just a sound, they are small minded to find it funny. Some people said I had a big nose, yeah my nose is slightly bigger than ideal, but yeah my nose is big, why does that have to hurt? They should go on catchphrase - say what you see. My nose isn't bad, and if anyone judges me just as a nose well that is a bit strange.
What I am currently working on is starting to stop the past - i.e. stop thinking in this negative way which has just lost track but now to understand the past is flawed and that it doesn't matter by realising it all went wrong and I need to start again, and now wipe the slate clean and realise what people think of me doesn't matter one bit. I mean of course we all want people to see the best in us and for people to like us, but you can only be yourself, worrying that people may think negative things of us just serves no purpose other than to make us feel so self conscious, to lose our confidence in being who we are, letting what others think control what we do.
There is a billion people and more out there, a small % of people will not like us or will think negative things of us, that is the same with everyone in life, the minority who are halfwits should have absolutely no impact on our life. So what if we make mistakes, we are only human. So what if some people think we are boring, very few people are as exciting as a go on the big dipper. So what if some people think we are ugly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We can all be judged negatively and can all judge others negatively. Those who do judge others negatively are the ones with the problem, we are human for god's sake, we are not perfect!
I really do want to get out of these thinking patterns once and for all. They are thinking patterns that have just lost the plot.
The reason I ask was because I was out shopping yesterday when it was really busy and felt really self conscious, even though the previous week I had desensitised what people were thinking of me - i.e. believing and understanding that people were not being critical of me, even if they are looking at me they are not being critical of me. I worked hard on this and believe it all, so was not happy to feel self conscious.
However, it got me thinking, is there something I have not addressed? And it made me realise that me working on believing people are not being critical of me basically shows the fact what people think of me and see me is important. i.e. instead of believing people are not being critical, I should be thinking, hang on a moment, it doesn't matter whatsoever what people think of me, I am me, this is who I am, I am a good person and respect people, but if you don't like me then you can shove it.
I started looking into why I care about what people think of me and why any negative feedback is so hurtful - basically looking into how this has developed. What is so clear is that I have got to the point where what people think of me and worried about people thinking negative of me has become habbit and I no longer think about why it is important or it hurts, it just hurts for the sake of it. I have basically just lost the plot, believing its such a big deal when we all know it isn't.
Being self conscious around people as to what they may think of me, what is the point? If someone thinks I am weird, ugly, stupid, pathetic, etc - what does worrying about what people are thinking achieve? If someone thinks something negative of me - I won't even know what they are thinking so why worry about it? If they are thinking negatives of me, what does it matter? i.e. if I was thinking negatives of you reading this, what does it matter to you? What impact does it have on your life? Even if I said something out loud that was negative towards you, what does it matter? Its one person - a loud mouth who is insensitive, it doesn't make it a fact what that person is saying. i.e. I told my friend I fancied this girl at work and my friend said she is ugly (he only said that to me) but that is his opinion, my opinion is very different. But what does it matter to her? We are in no physical danger with a negative comment, a negative comment can be laughed off if you take it in a good manner and people instantly forget what was said. We all know this. But it shows that there is something very wrong in the way we think about what people think of us matters.
Just remember that everyone who doesn't have SA, the vast majority are nice people who wouldn't hurt anyone, they treat people well and respect people's feelings, but they don't worry about what people think of them like we do. Any arguments that if we didn't care what people think means we would turn into insensitive jerks is just not right, we all want to treat people the way we want to be treat ourselves. But not caring about what people thinks simply means that we will live life being who we are, instead of living a restricted life, letting what people think of us take over.
So I have started analysing where my beliefs of why what people think of me is such a big deal to me. And I have traced it back to ridicule and put downs from my high school days. i.e. I got ridiculed for a speech impediment, being skinny, people said I was ugly, I was just called so many horrible names and people always pointing out my flaws and being nasty to me. It basically hurt me loads back then, people just putting me down and saying nasty things to me and about me just for the sake of doing it. I basically became so worried that people will be thinking negative things of me and will ridicule me that I was always so worried what people are thinking and that if people see me or hear me they will ridicule me, insult me, etc. I seem to have become stuck in this way of thinking - to be wary of what people are thinking of me, that people will insult me, ridicule me, think I am not good enough. And I still feel so much hurt when someone does say something negative/insulting about me, but of course it doesn't happen these days, I am 28!
So I started analysing the thinking patterns I got into back in high school that I was so self conscious about what people think of me, worried what people will be thinking of me and how much negative comments hurt me. Basically this is where things went wrong! I took things incredibly hard and was extremely hurt, but I didn't take things into context of the reality. i.e. school kids can be so horrible, they ridiculed everyone for any flaw, not just me. I remember people being ridiculed for their weight, their height, their ears, if they wore glasses, how they spoke, if people had spots, if people wore cheap clothes, if people wore a brace in their mouth, if they had big nose, if they had a funny haircut, etc. I took what was being said just so hard. I mean people always called me names about being skinny, such as matchstick man, beanpole, rake, etc - it hurt me so much. But now I think why? Is being called skinny such a bad insult? I am not skinny anymore, I really am very happy with my weight now.
If someone ridiculed me for my voice and speech impediment which they did, I hated it so much, I felt like a freak. The reality was that its just a sound, they are small minded to find it funny. Some people said I had a big nose, yeah my nose is slightly bigger than ideal, but yeah my nose is big, why does that have to hurt? They should go on catchphrase - say what you see. My nose isn't bad, and if anyone judges me just as a nose well that is a bit strange.
What I am currently working on is starting to stop the past - i.e. stop thinking in this negative way which has just lost track but now to understand the past is flawed and that it doesn't matter by realising it all went wrong and I need to start again, and now wipe the slate clean and realise what people think of me doesn't matter one bit. I mean of course we all want people to see the best in us and for people to like us, but you can only be yourself, worrying that people may think negative things of us just serves no purpose other than to make us feel so self conscious, to lose our confidence in being who we are, letting what others think control what we do.
There is a billion people and more out there, a small % of people will not like us or will think negative things of us, that is the same with everyone in life, the minority who are halfwits should have absolutely no impact on our life. So what if we make mistakes, we are only human. So what if some people think we are boring, very few people are as exciting as a go on the big dipper. So what if some people think we are ugly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We can all be judged negatively and can all judge others negatively. Those who do judge others negatively are the ones with the problem, we are human for god's sake, we are not perfect!
I really do want to get out of these thinking patterns once and for all. They are thinking patterns that have just lost the plot.
pinkputter
Well-known member
That's why we have Social Phobia... and yeah I agree with the other opinions posted in that everyone else does too.
The best way to explain why we SHOULD NOT care so much what people think of us is that whether you believe it or not, you have Truth inside of YOU! Don't duplicate other people, don't care about their false judgements. What we say to people when we care so much what we think of them is usually in vain. To make ourselves feel better, but we all know that does not work. We feel empty no matter what we say when it's in vain. But PRAYER can NEVER be in vain. I would suggest praying more, and not duplicating what you see in others because you are YOU and you have truth.
The best way to explain why we SHOULD NOT care so much what people think of us is that whether you believe it or not, you have Truth inside of YOU! Don't duplicate other people, don't care about their false judgements. What we say to people when we care so much what we think of them is usually in vain. To make ourselves feel better, but we all know that does not work. We feel empty no matter what we say when it's in vain. But PRAYER can NEVER be in vain. I would suggest praying more, and not duplicating what you see in others because you are YOU and you have truth.