Do People Do/Say Things That Make You Feel Unwelcome?

[Skog]

Do you find that other people make you feel unwelcome? I’m assuming this is a common AvPD experience.

If so, is it just us, or is it something other people subliminally do because they don’t really want to be around someone who has AvPD? It seems to me that sometimes people choose their words so they make me feel unwelcome. They don’t say “Have some birthday cake with us”; they say “There’s birthday cake at my desk.” The first statement is a direct invitation; the second is a declaratory sentence which may imply an invitation or may just imply a feeling of social obligation to tell me about the event. If I don’t show up for cake based on the second sentence, I’m sure the speaker would still feel polite and would take credit for having invited me, but perhaps without thinking about it the statement was made the second way because the speaker didn’t really care if I joined in the event.

I realize this is the monitoring of others characteristic of AvPD. That doesn’t disprove the premise, though. Maybe we are correctly perceiving the insincerity of others.

 

[NormanBates]

You know, "smile and the world smiles with you" ?
well, "avoid and the world avoids with you."

Twice that I can remember, I have sat in a room and watched a stream of people enter through the door. Of those people, I was able to pinpoint the avoidant one. It is always quite obvious.

The avoidant one is the only one out of the crowd whose eyes do not dart around to recognize faces the moment he steps into the room. Rather, he is looking down or straight ahead as if thinking "been there done that" about all the people in the room.

Now I know that I am quite guilty of being that guy on many occasions, but I still feel all the normal things that people normally feel. And when I first see those kind of people entering the room, my first reaction is fright.

I get frightened because I know that we haven't started on the same page. I watched them enter, but they did not look at me as they entered. It's as if the relationship with said person for this occasion has gotten bunched up like a bad reel of film. Just from that first instance.

I remember spending the rest of the time at those places being more anxious than usual, knowing that I was being watched but not communicated with.

Like I said, usually I'm that guy and I'm the one watching everyone else be skittish around me. But there can only be one person like that and that's me. (LOL).

So I'm guessing that others would feel the same way to varying degrees.

 

[Katasura]

I agree with Norman. As avoidants we are usually so caught up with ourselves, our imagined inadequacies and what people think or might think that we give off an impression suggestive of unfriendliness or unsociability. In reality we want to be liked, accepted and to have meaningful fulfilling relationships. Somehow, however, that's not the image people see. At times people just aren't encouraged to go out of their way to be friendly. In their eyes, we don't want/need their friendship. There are, of course, those who are just genuinely insensitive; but I've found the former to be true in many instances.

 

[lettypagb]

uhn? whatkind ofweedis that?

 

[NormanBates]

trainwreck

 

[Skog]

In reality we want to be liked, accepted and to have meaningful fulfilling relationships. Somehow, however, that's not the image people see. At times people just aren't encouraged to go out of their way to be friendly. In their eyes, we don't want/need their friendship.

So true.
I tried reaching out to 2 people and explaining my problem. I thought that would prevent them from mis-reading my behavior and know that I did want friendship. Sadly, they still just let me leave me alone when I withdraw.

 

[Havocan]

So true.
I tried reaching out to 2 people and explaining my problem. I thought that would prevent them from mis-reading my behavior and know that I did want friendship. Sadly, they still just let me leave me alone when I withdraw.

I don't think that's a wise idea, unless you know the people you explain your issue to very well and know that they will understand. Too many times have I tried saying that and it just ends up with them standing there with a big question mark in their forehead and make me look like a nitwit.

To answer OP: When someone know or in a way can sense you've got APD, like Norman said, they start being a lot more formal and non-inviting in both their language and tone, at least when they talk to me. It seems like if this is because they see us as more socially "challenging", since they've got to make an extra effort to make us feel welcome. I cannot say I feel welcome unless people laugh at my jokes {which usually suck} or in any other way show interest without being clingy.

 

[no1]

yea sometimes I think people are very cold towards me, or unemotional, or like.. I dunno. Especially women or they seem insincere and just.. cold. Like for example, I talk to one of them and it seems like they subtly tell me that they dont like me or something. They reply in one liners, or they don't reply or.. I dunno. They seem really annoyed with me and like they just want to get the conversation over with. THEY JUST ALL SEEM TOO FREAKING ANNOYED WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes when I think one of them says something that seems good, later on I start to think maybe he or she was pulling my leg, or making a joke on me, or something sinister you know , like playing me for a fool.

girls can seem to be so wicked sometimes. because.. they are like.. the choosers of who enters the "BOOK OF LIFE", which is continued life in offspring. They are natural selection. sexual selection. kinda like genocyde. "Don't mate with the genetically "inferior"". Only REAL MEN live. etc. but they may be confused as to what is really "superior" or "inferior" and for what.

 

[unwantedoutcast]

they dont need to say anything, i can tell by the looks on their faces

 

[Havocan]

yea sometimes I think people are very cold towards me, or unemotional, or like.. I dunno. Especially women or they seem insincere and just.. cold. Like for example, I talk to one of them and it seems like they subtly tell me that they dont like me or something. They reply in one liners, or they don't reply or.. I dunno. They seem really annoyed with me and like they just want to get the conversation over with. THEY JUST ALL SEEM TOO FREAKING ANNOYED WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes when I think one of them says something that seems good, later on I start to think maybe he or she was pulling my leg, or making a joke on me, or something sinister you know , like playing me for a fool.

girls can seem to be so wicked sometimes. because.. they are like.. the choosers of who enters the "BOOK OF LIFE", which is continued life in offspring. They are natural selection. sexual selection. kinda like genocyde. "Don't mate with the genetically "inferior"". Only REAL MEN live. etc. but they may be confused as to what is really "superior" or "inferior" and for what.

The problem here is that the girls see you as cold too, that's why they react cold in return. A person with APD who enters a conversation will often exhibit a very defencive body language and might mix words or lose focus {that's what happens to me}; he's seen as uninterested, bored, cold or even annoyed by the girl's presence. That's also why many start acting in a very formal way and want to end the conversation as fast as possible {please note that these are my own experiences, I'm just theorising and trying to generalise it into how I believe things are connected to each other}. Naturally, since a person with APD has a body language that says: sod off, that's what most people do. Unfortunately.

They say putting a smile on one's face and not giving up will help you. I've tried that but for no reason; I'm still being rejected. Mostly by girls who seem scared of me.

Bitterness will develop, grow and prosper in one's mind if this is a continuing pattern, hence the view of girls as wicked. They're unfortunately the entrance to further procreation and since our culture has made the males responsible for initiative, hunt and taking the first step, APD is like a plague to us guys. Sucks hard >.<.

 

[MotherWolff]

Well I know I have APD because I ALWAYS assume people to be unfriendly with me even if they do seem friendly. I feel like just by looking at them, like unwantedoutcast said, I can tell that some people just don't like me because I'm me. I don't even try to consider that these people might want to like me.

 

[dan_e]

Do you find that other people make you feel unwelcome?

Yes Skog and i know what you mean about the birthday cake. There is someone who instead of directly inviting me out will say "you're welcome to come with us." Which in turn makes me feel like I have to ask to go, or that they're just saying it to be nice. Strange.

 

[gale]

same thing for me havocan.i tried to smile to them but still they dont like me obviously.your comment made me smile havocan.you really are telling the truth even when you lie hehehe.

 

[Havocan]

Good think I can make someone smile, then ^_^.

 

[Skog]

Hi Dan E
Yes - you have described the experience. Instead of asking you to join the group, you are given permission to ask if the group will let you join it. Even though I am sure most people would respond that the "unwelcome" message wasn't intended, if that were pointed out, I think that is because it is a challenge to almost everyone's perception that they are a "nice guy" and never intentionally want to hurt anyone's feelings. That doesn't negate, though, that they really would prefer that you not join them and the choice of words may have been unconscious, but still revealing.