do I have OCD?

[alison18]

Hey all, I've noticed that this question is asked a lot, so sorry if you're all sick of it.

Ever since I can remember, I've always put a high premium on being a "good girl". I can also remember having OCD tendencies, or what I've read to be OCD tendencies as a young child. Whenever I did something wrong, I would put a lot of stress on it, even if it wasn't a big deal and I would worry about things for days at a time until I forgot about them. As I've gotten older, I've worried about whether or not I'm a child molestor, someone that could kill someone, a bad person, etc. And I know I don't genuninely feel aroused by children, want to kill someone or anything like that, but it feels like because I don't want to feel any of these things, I do. I feel a fake arousal by what I think I'm not supposed to, and because I put stress on the idea of "am I gonna kill someone?" I feel fake homicidal tendencies. When I don't think about these things, I feel fine. But it's like I can't stop. I got in a car accident in the snow, and ever since then, I had anxiety attacks when it snowed. Ever since then, when I think about "hyperventilating" or "anxiety" or "stress", I feel like I can't breathe. But it's like I'm bringing it on myself because I don't want to feel this. Also, these "feelings" contradict strongly with how I feel about issues. I'm not gay myself, but I have a family member who is and I take it very seriously when somene is "gay-bashing", but the other day, I had a thought of "what if I wanted to kill that guy because he's gay" or something like that. I also have a box and a bag full of old notes from friends from high school. I also save certan conversations, text messages and emails that have personal information in them (IE: if a male friend that has a girlfriend is telling me he has a crush on me, or someone saying that they don;t like a person) in case it ever comes up in a public conversation and I have to prove that I had nothing to do with it. Also, when I know I don't want to forget something, I almost forget it on purpose, like my mind freezes for a second, simply because I don't WANT to forget it. Even though I'm aware that these feelings/impulses are fake, they feel very real and scary. I also have a problem being myself with others, and sometimes I go through periods when I can be myself, but it always ends because I have this thought of like "oh, this period is gonna stop now" and it just seems to hold so much power, because I don't want the period to end. I also do common compulsions, such as avoidance and confessing. It's very difficult to explain, but I hope some of you understand. Please tell me if this is OCD.

 

[cheeseandrice]

Hey Alison18....

Sounds like you have a lot of pure O obsessions. It appears your thoughts are bouncing back and forth and each particular issue has now given you doubts about the possibility that you will act on these thoughts. Whether it's homicidal thoughts or thoughts about being a molester or a gay basher; your thoughts are telling you that you are things you are definitely not...

The good news....

You're not a homicidal maniac or a child molester. You're not a gay basher or anything else. These thoughts are simply there to torment you and make you unsure of yourself.

The thoughts you have are the same thoughts I have had throughout the years. I understand how horrific they can be.

More good news....

Your thoughts are manageable if you understand them and continue to work on lessening the thoughts. There are numerous cognitive behavior therapies that will help you. You should educate yourself regarding these thoughts. There is an enormous amount of information regarding bad thoughts on the net. Believe it or not, this is a first step to minimizing your bad thoughts. OCD hates educated people because you will be able to rationalize your thoughts and by doing this; the thoughts just don’t have as much impact.

I’d suggest two books for you to read. The first book is Imp of The Mind. It’s a great book about bad thoughts. The second book is Brain Lock. These two books changed the way I was thinking and made things very clear for me.

The bad news……

Unfortunately, you more than likely will always have bad thoughts. You simply have to realize that everyone has bad thoughts. It’s just people like you and I can’t filter the thoughts and they manifest into symptomatic problems.

Of course if you truly believe you are homicidal or there is a possibility that you do in fact plan on doing the things you think about; you need to seek help immediately. One way to distinguish the two is that your thoughts (if OCD) sicken you and you would never do the things you think about. You actually hate your thoughts and simply wish they would go away.

It’s a long road, but if you keep educating yourself and understand this affliction, life can become a lot better.

Good luck,

Cheeseandrice

 

[alison18]

Hey, thanks for your response. I don't actually worry that I AM homicidal or a bad person or any of the other things I listed; I have a huge fear/phobia that I will lose control of my ability to say "no" to these intrusive thoughts and urges and do somethig I don't want to. Unrealistic as it may be, it's very frightening. Especailly when my doctor takes forever to refill my anti-anxiety medication (Lorezapam) every time I need a refill. I know these thoughts are not based in reality, but I guess I wanted to check that this was a form of OCD, because sometimes I feel like I can't identify with the portrayl of OCD from other people's perspectives and I fear that I'm medicated for the wrong thing, if that makes sense. I have lived my life at times without the appearance of these symptoms, as they seem to come and go with stress in my life and/or lack of structure. I know that I can and will free myself from these chains someday. Hopefully sooner than later. I've read good things about the books you've reccommended and I will definitely check them out! Again, thanks for your reply!

 

[paulmm]

sounds like you have the exact same symptoms of OCD as I do. Sometimes I will obsess for months and sometimes years about whether I am a pedophile or whethere I am secretly a homocidal maniac and that the only reason I haven't killed anyone is because I've been obsessing about it this whole time. Your obsession with saving conversations is not necessarily a signifier of OCD, but very few people with OCD are able to get rid of things easily. I save things I may never need for months or years just in case I might one day need them. That being said, it sounds like you have some severe Pure O OCD, which is a lot of what I have. I find that writing out your thoughts (no matter how disgusting they are) is an excellent way of helping. And if that doesn't help, try seeing a social worker or therapist. They'll tell you exactly what I'm telling you. People with OCD obsess about whether they are a good or bad person and the tiniest deviation from being a "perfect person" (there is no such thing, by the way) causes people with OCD to obsess about the deviation, and to people with OCD, the deviation is proof of being a bad person. In reality, everyone has deviations and people without OCD shrug them off, never thinking about them again.