KayJay88
New member
Okay... for the last month I've been in a lot of distress. It all started because I babysit for these kids. The little boy I babysit for is six and he acts in sexual ways. It really makes me uncomfortable. I think this is where the disturbing thoughts stem from. For a few weeks I got disturbing images in my head of kids getting sexually abused and sometimes I'd picture me doing it. It's like I couldn't control my mind. These thoughts scare the hell out of me cause I would never ever want to do something like that. It's sick. But after a couple weeks a part my brain started saying "What if you really wanted to do these things?" and I'd be like of course I would never want to do those things, but my brain would keep question me and telling me that maybe I only think it's sick cause it's morally wrong, etc. But no, I really think it's sick and disgusting and the worst thing in the entire world in my opinion. So I don't get why my mind kept question myself... it freaked me out and still does. The thoughts have pretty much stopped now and my mind has stopped question myself, but about a week or two ago I got into this mood where I felt I needed to test myself by purposely thinking the thoughts to see how my body would react. All I can say it it was one of the worst feelings I've ever had, I felt physically ill. But my mind keeps thinking about every little thing and I constantly ask myself "What if there was some kinds of positive reaction I'm not remembering?" I know there wasn't but my mind is trying to trick me into thinking there was almost creating a fake memory... I keep obsessing over it and I can't stop. It makes me so sick and depressed. And another thing, when I was about six I was put in a sexual situation by a older neighbor boy. He took me and this other six year old boy in a shed and wouldn't let us out until we took our clothes off and started touching and kissing each others privates and stuff. I don't remember much but I remember blaming myself for that when I was little. I'm not sure if that would have anything to do with what's happening now, though.
Oh and about three years ago I got into this obsession with thinking "What if I am gay?" My mind kept obsessing over that and I felt really depressed. I had a ton of intrusive thoughts like I have been having the past month. I knew I wasn't, but my mind just wouldn't stop obsessing over every feeling my body felt, etc. That seems like a walk in the park to what I've been going through now.
In general I've always obsessed about things in my mind. If I like a show or band or something I obsessed about it and that's all that on my mind. Any kind of problem I have I do the same thing... but my main concern is what I'm going through right now cause I feel like a horrible person and I just want all the obsessing to stop because it's ruining my life.
And if age or gender has anything do with it... I'm female and 18.
Does it sound like I have OCD?
Oh and about three years ago I got into this obsession with thinking "What if I am gay?" My mind kept obsessing over that and I felt really depressed. I had a ton of intrusive thoughts like I have been having the past month. I knew I wasn't, but my mind just wouldn't stop obsessing over every feeling my body felt, etc. That seems like a walk in the park to what I've been going through now.
In general I've always obsessed about things in my mind. If I like a show or band or something I obsessed about it and that's all that on my mind. Any kind of problem I have I do the same thing... but my main concern is what I'm going through right now cause I feel like a horrible person and I just want all the obsessing to stop because it's ruining my life.
And if age or gender has anything do with it... I'm female and 18.
Does it sound like I have OCD?