Do I have OCD.........? PLEASE anyone respond

[maybe-its-ocd]

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I've always had a history of over-thinking, over-analyzing, being overly emotional, and feeling that I "have" to do certain things. It started in high school with an eating disorder. Weird thing is that it was only partly about the weight, but mostly about the fact that controlling everything that touched my lips made me feel "right". For a while I ate the same exact things every day. It was always three bowls of perfectly measured cereal and milk, always the same kind of cereal. Doing this made me feel right with myself.... deviating from that wasn't an option for me. Luckily I got over that since I had become underweight and unhealthy, but other problems have taken place of it and are making me equally miserable.

I'll start with the smaller scale stuff. Hand writing anything is a nightmare for me because if the words are not written perfectly neatly I can't take it, and will erase the letter or word dozens of times until it feels right. If a paper of mine gets wrinkled or bent I have extreme anxiety.... I can't tolerate things that are not straight with clean lines. I'm a college student, and bubbling in scantron tests is horrible because I focus too much on how perfectly bubbled in each answer is. If it doesn't look clean I feel VERY anxious and have trouble moving through the test. Now on to bigger stuff...

My mind is NEVER at rest. I am always worrying about something and analyzing situations to death. I am controlled by the "what ifs" of life. If there is a negative possibility to be found, you can be sure I will find it and will worry about it until I'm in uncontrollable tears. When I met my boyfriend it was during winter break and we had more time to talk. When we started school and the communication naturally lessened, I could not get it out of my head that he perhaps has lost interest. I check my phone probably 50 times a day to see if there are any new messages from him.... I wish I could leave the phone alone for a while and not think about checking it but I always succumb. No matter how many times my boyfriend tells me he loves me and nothing has changed between us, my worrying continues. One HUGE thing with me is asking for reassurance. I ask people for reassurance over and over and over again, and while it usually satisfies me for a few moments, I'm right back at square one soon after.

Let me try to explain how this all feels: If I get a worry in my head I feel as though I must have the solution IMMEDIATELY. If I'm trying to get reassurance from someone and they cant deal with it at the moment my anxiety goes completely through the roof and I literally feel that I can't handle it. I blame myself CONSTANTLY... if something has changed that I perceive to be negative I normally think it's my fault. And once I think something is my fault I automatically feel that the situation is broken and unfixable.... like my relationship for example. Right now I'm thinking that maybe my relationship has suffered from my worrying, and ironically, that is something I am endlessly worrying about! Do you see the cycle? My life is an endless cycle of worrying about things, then worrying about the fact that other people worry about my worrying..... Craziness.

Most of the time I just want to grab my head and shake it... ask it why the heck it has to be this way. Why can't I just go with the flow like a normal person? Why do I constantly worry about things that probably will not even happen, going from one thing to another, driving the people in my life crazy? My boyfriend told me today that the amount of my worrying gets overwhelming. Bear in mind I'm only about 3 months into this new relationship and my boyfriend is a real catch.... I don't want to lose him over this if there is a way to control it or stop it. I don't know if I have OCD. What I do know is that my life is controlled by anxious thoughts.... all day every day. I must also point out that my brother has been diagnosed with OCD and takes meds for it. I've heard it runs in families.... but I'm not certain I have it. For a little while I thought perhaps I had depression because I cry so often...

I'm seeing a counselor this Friday... but if anyone has any comments they would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[k123dave]

firstly, welcome to SPW.
I think you certainly show many of the classic symptoms of OCD, that's for sure.
To keep your boyfriend you need to show him love, care and attention, that doesn't mean bending to his will and doing whatever he wants, but by being there for him and doing normal couple stuff. Just take it easy, tell him that you love him and look after him, I'm sure it will work out well, and I wish you all the best with it.

How are you feeling about meeting the counsellor?

 

[maybe-its-ocd]

Thanks for the welcome. I feel ok about seeing the counselor... though not especially hopeful. I just want to be happy and well-adjusted... I don't want to worry anymore and have to fight for any kind of emotional stability. I've come to realize that just being stable emotionally is a huge chore for me... seems all but impossible lately. One thing I regret more than anything is ever showing my worries to my boyfriend.... I wish I could turn back time and keep my worrying to myself, and maintain an all-positive relationship with my boyfriend. I'm worried that now he will only see me as this person who overthinks everything and that it's robbed him of some of his feelings for me. And look at me doing what I always do... WORRYING. This cycle continues without rest until I finally get some sleep, then restarts in the morning. My life is a chore.

negative negative negative... must get rid of that... but how...

 

[Krista]

Thanks for the welcome. I feel ok about seeing the counselor... though not especially hopeful. I just want to be happy and well-adjusted... I don't want to worry anymore and have to fight for any kind of emotional stability. I've come to realize that just being stable emotionally is a huge chore for me... seems all but impossible lately. One thing I regret more than anything is ever showing my worries to my boyfriend.... I wish I could turn back time and keep my worrying to myself, and maintain an all-positive relationship with my boyfriend. I'm worried that now he will only see me as this person who overthinks everything and that it's robbed him of some of his feelings for me. And look at me doing what I always do... WORRYING. This cycle continues without rest until I finally get some sleep, then restarts in the morning. My life is a chore.

negative negative negative... must get rid of that... but how...

I've got to say, if he reacts as negatively to how you're feeling as you think he'll do, then he doesn't deserve to be with you. That's not a healthy relationship to begin with and especially not for someone with SA. I can sympathize because I had the same problem with mine. I was always over thinking things, I feared that if I told him he'd see me as this neurotic mess who couldn't keep her feelings together, who didn't trust him or had to be constantly reassured of his feelings and that would only further aggravate him. If he can't understand and you're worried to the point of being sick then you two should possibly talk about that...if it means taking a break, look at it as time you two maintain being friends while you work on yourself. I hope all goes well for you though and I promise it gets better. It did for me but with hard work and compassion and empathy from him

 

[k123dave]

You're very welcome
To fight the negatives you need to balance them with positives, for example: you're afraid of losing your boyfriend, the flip-side positive of that is that he is there for you now. For every negative, there is a positive, you just have to find it!
As for showing your worries, that's a real toughie It's only really you that can decide that, but even venting a little, tiny bit to him can help.

 

[Rockhopper]

I can relate to your situation as my OCD revolves around my boyfriend. I had a bad spike a little while ago, but it has eased. My mind is never at rest either, but during this spike it was terrible. My problem was I had questions about my boyfriends past that got into my head and wouldn't leave. He's been through some stuff that I found hard to deal with and it kind of triggered all this off as I'd never been like it before.

Like you need a solution immediately, I needed answers to my questions immediately. If I couldn't get them I would just be so anxious. It consumed my every thought and I was never free of it. It changed my mood and I was cranky and snappy to everyone. I would think of it constantly until I got the opportunity to ask the question. I would feel relief for a little while, then I'd get another one. Then it got so bad that one question would lead to another, then another. If I didn't have any I would worry about when the next would come or even force myself to think of one.

My boyfriend was pretty understanding when I explained about OCD and he went along with all the questions and reassurance. Because of course it was never enough to ask just once, I'd need reassurance and ask a second time to make sure the answer was the same. As patient as he was he ended up getting the ****s and refused to answer any more. Which made my anxiety skyrocket and make me burst into tears. I started getting depressed from it. I was so worried it was ruining my relationship, because I too have a good thing going. Thank God it didn't and it's all good now.

I had to work hard on getting through this and I don't think I'm totally over it, but at least now it doesn't consume me and I don't really get the questions in my head anymore, not for a few weeks anyway. I had such a strong desire to go back to being my normal self. See what your counselor suggests. But if you want to know how I got through it let me know.

 

[maybe-its-ocd]

Rockhopper, I definitely do want to know how you got through it... You're story sounds almost identical to mine.

I'm at the point where my boyfriend has started getting a little frustrated by all the worrying, but I can see he still cares for me a lot and is trying his best to be understanding. I'm pretty sure it's at the point where if I turned things around today everything will only get better and better. But if I kept on this path things could go sour most definitely.... I know my boyfriend isn't superman. I can't expect him to sit back and be content with a girlfriend whos anxious ALL the time. Today I'm taking steps to work through it. I've left my phone at home so I won't check it during the day, I'm planning to go to a couple exercise classes, and I've started improving my eating habits. I'm hopeful...

 

[Rockhopper]

Seeing your situation seems similar to mine I'm really hoping these strategies will work for you. You've got to be really strong and I had to keep reminding myself that I could ruin my relationship if I didn't get through this. So I'll list the strategies I used and give you some examples. I went to the library and got books on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for OCD. They were really helpful and they have these strategies as well. I guess you just need to be careful that using the strategies doesn't become a OCD ritual.

Counter the Thoughts

I made little cards with counter thoughts on them. You would have to make them relevant to you. If you don't counter the thought it will lead to more of the same. Plus thoughts can't survive if you don't feed them with attention. Every time I had a question / worry I'd go through them. Examples:
- I DO NOT need to think about this because I need to focus on the good things happening now.
- Rate this thought 0-10. How will the answer change your life?
- Is this rational? Is this relevant? Is this going to make me feel better?
- Does this thought warrant all my attention and energy
- I may feel bad now, but it WILL go away with time. Acknowledge the thought and let it float away.
- I DO NOT need to know. The answers will not change my life. I WILL still be happy not knowing.

Before OCD

Imagine what life was like before you got OCD (if you can) or before these thoughts started ruling your life. Ask yourself these questions or make ones relevant to you.
- How did I act before I had these thoughts. (eg. I wouldn't be asking the question. I wouldn't even want to know).
- What would I be doing? (eg. I would be having fun and laughing, being myself)
- How would I be feeling? (happy, care free, worry free, content)

OCD Free Twin

Imagine you have an OCD free twin. Similar to the one above, ask yourself these questions.
- What would my OCD free twin be doing in this situation? (eg. not asking question, talking about other things, having fun.
- What would they be saying?

Exposure and Response Prevention

You need to expose your self to the situation until your anxiety goes. Bit easier to explain for someone with physical compulsions. But with thoughts I practiced talking about certain topics and resisting the urge to find things to ask about. If I didn't start asking in the first place, I would eventually forget the topic and move on. This took time though and I did have set backs. If you feel yourself starting to think something focus on the environment around you, things you see, smell, feel, colours. For me this got my mind on other things until I forgot. This was definitely the hardest as at first I kept forcing myself to remember my topics and questions I'd remind myself all day long. So I had to practice moving on and thinking about other things.

I know some of these things may seem like they won't help at all. But after a couple of weeks of going through these I felt heaps better and now I feel nearly back to my normal self again. At least I don't have thoughts that are constantly there. Occasionally I will start to panic about something, but now it's much easier to go back to these strategies and it disappears quicker and quicker.

I got this quote off someone on here "You are who you were before it ever became a question". It felt so right for me as I wasn't myself. I wrote it down and put it on the wall next to my bed. I'd remind myself who I was and know that I could be that person again. Good luck and let me know how you go.

 

[Rockhopper]

Oh and this is also very important. Let your boyfriend know that you are doing this and the strategies so he can support you. If he knows you are trying to over come it he will hopefully be more patient and supportive. I had to be very open with my boyfriend and it really helped as he could see I wanted to improve myself and I didn't like being like this any more than he did.