stoptherumination
New member
Hey everyone, I have recently encountered some interesting psychological issues and am really beginning to wonder if I have OCD.
I am a 21 year old male, and currently a graduate student. When I was younger, probably about 10, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I took Prozac from about 10-16, and then abruptly stopped because I wanted to. I’ve never really had issues with depression since then, and in some ways never really think I had it.
I am currently in a long distance relationship with someone my age. It’s not extremely long distance; we are about 5 hours apart and see each other every two to three weeks. I mention my relationship because my obsessive ruminating is related to it.
We have been officially together for about two months, but have known eachother for about 4 years so we are fairly close. In the two months we’ve been together however, I have had three interesting episodes brought on by a minor intrusive thought that created all sorts of guilt and anxiety and distress for me.
The first episode was brought on when I thought about an ex-girlfriend of mine. It was not even a sexual thought, just a brief “I wonder what she’s up to?”. Obviously this is not a big deal, but it created an upwelling of anxiety and guilt in me. I suffered from this about a week, obsessively ruminating and having illogical thoughts like “Do I even like her?” (her being the girl I am currently with), and related negative thoughts about the relationship. My appetite was practically non-existant, as my stomach constantly had an acidic anxious feeling. I had no real compulsions in this episode, aside from the compulsion to think about whether or not I had feelings for her. I eventually told her about my doubts, because it was only creating more guilt in me and making me feel worse. She was fairly understanding, albeit obviously upset. The next morning I woke up and felt pretty much better.
For about the next three weeks I felt happy and perfectly fine with everything. Until one day I started to obsessively worry about having another episode like the first one, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. The same sorts of thoughts began to pervade my mind, and I started to obsessively ruminate about my feelings for her. I also developed a compulsion where I felt that I needed to take a shower every time I got really upset, and started only feeling ok when I was taking a shower. I also felt a compulsion to break up with her, feeling that the only way I could be relieved from my stress was to break up with her. I fought this thought very hard, and never allowed my actions to do what that thought wanted. I felt a great deal of worry and stress about her coming to visit me, worried that I would no longer have feelings for her (which was of course completely ridiculous). The moment I saw her, all of my anxiety and guilt was gone. It should be noted that when I am with her I don’t have any of these negative thoughts or guilt, even if moments before I was completely distraught and upset about everything. I never told her about this episode, knowing I had upset her the first time, only to snap out of the episode. I didn’t feel it was necessary to upset her again if I was just going to feel better, which I did. I suggested to her that we talk on the phone more often (we mostly text when we are apart). She didn’t know that I was suggesting it because I was hoping that hearing her voice and talking to her on the phone would help prevent another episode.
About a week after she left, another episode began, which is occurring now. This time brought on when I was listening to a song and had an intrusive, but pretty much harmless and unimportant thought of, “This would be a good song if she ever dumps me.” Obviously a stupid and childish thought, and I fought for a long time parrying that thought’s attempt to consume me, but eventually I entered back into an episode. This episode has been much slower in attacking me, in part because I have managed to stop negative thoughts from occurring my simply thinking “No, stop.” Every time I start to obsessively ruminate. Last night however, I had my first big break down of this episode. It should be noted that any time I talk to her on the phone I feel happy and content, and that happiness and contentment continues for about an hour afterwards. It has in some ways become a ritual for me, in that I’m pretty sure if I didn’t talk to her for a day everything would spiral out of control. I am only able to sleep well every night because I talk to her right before bed. Every morning I wake up with the same obsessive thoughts and a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, despite the good spirits that I went to bed in. This episode has been going on for about a week. I will see her in about 10 days, and obsessively remind myself that in 10 days when I see her, everything will be fine.
No matter how intense these feelings get, I do not plan on breaking up with her, simply because I am so happy when I am with her. I also get very upset when I think about telling her that I can’t be with her anymore because of these ruminations. I know it would hurt her, and the fact that it upsets me so much to think about that obviously means I care a great deal about her. She is quite honestly perfect for me, which is in many ways a cliché’, but I feel it’s true. I’m not going to let whatever this is get in my way. It would however, be nice to feel completely normal, even when I can’t see her for long periods of time.
Anyway, any type of help or advice for this situation would be helpful. As would telling me whether or not you think this might be some type of OCD.
Thanks!
I am a 21 year old male, and currently a graduate student. When I was younger, probably about 10, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I took Prozac from about 10-16, and then abruptly stopped because I wanted to. I’ve never really had issues with depression since then, and in some ways never really think I had it.
I am currently in a long distance relationship with someone my age. It’s not extremely long distance; we are about 5 hours apart and see each other every two to three weeks. I mention my relationship because my obsessive ruminating is related to it.
We have been officially together for about two months, but have known eachother for about 4 years so we are fairly close. In the two months we’ve been together however, I have had three interesting episodes brought on by a minor intrusive thought that created all sorts of guilt and anxiety and distress for me.
The first episode was brought on when I thought about an ex-girlfriend of mine. It was not even a sexual thought, just a brief “I wonder what she’s up to?”. Obviously this is not a big deal, but it created an upwelling of anxiety and guilt in me. I suffered from this about a week, obsessively ruminating and having illogical thoughts like “Do I even like her?” (her being the girl I am currently with), and related negative thoughts about the relationship. My appetite was practically non-existant, as my stomach constantly had an acidic anxious feeling. I had no real compulsions in this episode, aside from the compulsion to think about whether or not I had feelings for her. I eventually told her about my doubts, because it was only creating more guilt in me and making me feel worse. She was fairly understanding, albeit obviously upset. The next morning I woke up and felt pretty much better.
For about the next three weeks I felt happy and perfectly fine with everything. Until one day I started to obsessively worry about having another episode like the first one, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. The same sorts of thoughts began to pervade my mind, and I started to obsessively ruminate about my feelings for her. I also developed a compulsion where I felt that I needed to take a shower every time I got really upset, and started only feeling ok when I was taking a shower. I also felt a compulsion to break up with her, feeling that the only way I could be relieved from my stress was to break up with her. I fought this thought very hard, and never allowed my actions to do what that thought wanted. I felt a great deal of worry and stress about her coming to visit me, worried that I would no longer have feelings for her (which was of course completely ridiculous). The moment I saw her, all of my anxiety and guilt was gone. It should be noted that when I am with her I don’t have any of these negative thoughts or guilt, even if moments before I was completely distraught and upset about everything. I never told her about this episode, knowing I had upset her the first time, only to snap out of the episode. I didn’t feel it was necessary to upset her again if I was just going to feel better, which I did. I suggested to her that we talk on the phone more often (we mostly text when we are apart). She didn’t know that I was suggesting it because I was hoping that hearing her voice and talking to her on the phone would help prevent another episode.
About a week after she left, another episode began, which is occurring now. This time brought on when I was listening to a song and had an intrusive, but pretty much harmless and unimportant thought of, “This would be a good song if she ever dumps me.” Obviously a stupid and childish thought, and I fought for a long time parrying that thought’s attempt to consume me, but eventually I entered back into an episode. This episode has been much slower in attacking me, in part because I have managed to stop negative thoughts from occurring my simply thinking “No, stop.” Every time I start to obsessively ruminate. Last night however, I had my first big break down of this episode. It should be noted that any time I talk to her on the phone I feel happy and content, and that happiness and contentment continues for about an hour afterwards. It has in some ways become a ritual for me, in that I’m pretty sure if I didn’t talk to her for a day everything would spiral out of control. I am only able to sleep well every night because I talk to her right before bed. Every morning I wake up with the same obsessive thoughts and a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, despite the good spirits that I went to bed in. This episode has been going on for about a week. I will see her in about 10 days, and obsessively remind myself that in 10 days when I see her, everything will be fine.
No matter how intense these feelings get, I do not plan on breaking up with her, simply because I am so happy when I am with her. I also get very upset when I think about telling her that I can’t be with her anymore because of these ruminations. I know it would hurt her, and the fact that it upsets me so much to think about that obviously means I care a great deal about her. She is quite honestly perfect for me, which is in many ways a cliché’, but I feel it’s true. I’m not going to let whatever this is get in my way. It would however, be nice to feel completely normal, even when I can’t see her for long periods of time.
Anyway, any type of help or advice for this situation would be helpful. As would telling me whether or not you think this might be some type of OCD.
Thanks!