Do I have a fear of intimacy?

#1
I'm 26 years old, I've never had a boyfriend and I've never had sex. I've been shy my entire life. I was kissed once at the age of 16 and was not expecting it. I have self esteem issues and always assumed I couldn't date because of my weight, I'm a big girl. But I thought maybe I could try anyway so I went on a few dates with this guy, he was nice. Then he started talking about "me and you" and I got really scared. Hearing him say that didn't give me butterflies or make me happy, I was literally scared. I told him I needed to think about it and I haven't given him an answer yet. I'm not sure if it's because I am not crushing on him or having feelings for him, or if it's because I'm afraid to get close to someone. I really do want to, but at the same time it scares me.

Now there was this other guy I knew who I did get feelings for. Thinking about being intimate with him wasn't as scary. It felt kind of happy. He didn't feel the same way though. I also never met him in person, we were long distance friends. So I wondered maybe if he was sitting next to me right now, would I be scared to kiss him or not? Would I feel comfortable? It's hard to tell since that can't possibly happen.

So do you think I have a fear of intimacy, or I haven't found the right guy yet? Any help would really be appreciated.
 
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