ForNever
New member
Okay guys heres my little story and observation,
Growing up as a kid, life was good, I Grew up in Cali (Bay Area) with really down to earth people, a good family (on the surface) and played sports, and was fuckin good at everything i did. I was that kid wit heart of the biggest lion, i didn't think anything or anyoe could touch me.
Then, as i got older, i started to realize things. My family was always disfunctional. I don't know if many of you can relate, but i had 2 parents arguing all my life, never reahcing any kind of concensus on ANYTHING, which in return fucked up the flow of my family life. We moved from my 12 year home When i was around 14-15, to the suburbs with stuck- people and i can remember feeling really out of place and uncomfortable. I was always a bit shy, but always CONFIDENT in my athletic abilities. When i started school at this new place, i got this sense of being scared of EVERYTHHING, even playing sports which i always loved. To me personally, i know i was scared because i thought kids were better than me, i don't know why, but i always did, and in my head i always would be telling myself, they wern't and that i needed to man up and be strong and face the SOB's! But as time went on, i always had been scared to compete.
My family never really reinforced my abilities and told me how good i was and that type of thing. My dad ( A Firefighter & a Highschool BIGSHOT) would always say things about me that made me feel bad like "You used to be good at baseball now you don't do anything" or "Mann josh when i was in highshool I was the mann what happened to you". That shit got on my nerves so much. It always made me feel inadequate about myself. Deep down i always knew i had the abilities to do things i was afraid of, but i "Just didn't". I don't know why. And this always made me wonder "Who am i" Why don't i do this. Even when i tried, i just couldn't.
The other wierd thing is, in my teen years around highschool years, i always felt like i had 2 personalities. The main one, "Hard me" or "Cool me". Where i would associate and act hard or cool around certain people.
Than i would have another me, where i acted, nerdy, and liked wierd things that "cool people" wouldn't like, and i would never bring such things up in a conversation with a "cool person"
These 2 ME's conflict, and i know for a fact sometimes i don't know who i am. I feel like i've never been accepted comming up as a kid and a teen by my family or anyone else, so i'm in a way "lost". This has been my problem for many years.
I came across the definition of Social anxiety which im pretty sure i have cause sometimes i get really scared to be social, and even try to avoid it. it usually varry's. it's like with "cool" people, or people i feel are "cool" i avoid, and am afraid to show them who i am, and with "normal" or "geeky" fools i'm not as afraid, but still are afraid to show them the "True me".
its a wierd cycle, and i don't really understand it complelty understand it.
i think it's SA and DID.
What do you guys think?
Growing up as a kid, life was good, I Grew up in Cali (Bay Area) with really down to earth people, a good family (on the surface) and played sports, and was fuckin good at everything i did. I was that kid wit heart of the biggest lion, i didn't think anything or anyoe could touch me.
Then, as i got older, i started to realize things. My family was always disfunctional. I don't know if many of you can relate, but i had 2 parents arguing all my life, never reahcing any kind of concensus on ANYTHING, which in return fucked up the flow of my family life. We moved from my 12 year home When i was around 14-15, to the suburbs with stuck- people and i can remember feeling really out of place and uncomfortable. I was always a bit shy, but always CONFIDENT in my athletic abilities. When i started school at this new place, i got this sense of being scared of EVERYTHHING, even playing sports which i always loved. To me personally, i know i was scared because i thought kids were better than me, i don't know why, but i always did, and in my head i always would be telling myself, they wern't and that i needed to man up and be strong and face the SOB's! But as time went on, i always had been scared to compete.
My family never really reinforced my abilities and told me how good i was and that type of thing. My dad ( A Firefighter & a Highschool BIGSHOT) would always say things about me that made me feel bad like "You used to be good at baseball now you don't do anything" or "Mann josh when i was in highshool I was the mann what happened to you". That shit got on my nerves so much. It always made me feel inadequate about myself. Deep down i always knew i had the abilities to do things i was afraid of, but i "Just didn't". I don't know why. And this always made me wonder "Who am i" Why don't i do this. Even when i tried, i just couldn't.
The other wierd thing is, in my teen years around highschool years, i always felt like i had 2 personalities. The main one, "Hard me" or "Cool me". Where i would associate and act hard or cool around certain people.
Than i would have another me, where i acted, nerdy, and liked wierd things that "cool people" wouldn't like, and i would never bring such things up in a conversation with a "cool person"
These 2 ME's conflict, and i know for a fact sometimes i don't know who i am. I feel like i've never been accepted comming up as a kid and a teen by my family or anyone else, so i'm in a way "lost". This has been my problem for many years.
I came across the definition of Social anxiety which im pretty sure i have cause sometimes i get really scared to be social, and even try to avoid it. it usually varry's. it's like with "cool" people, or people i feel are "cool" i avoid, and am afraid to show them who i am, and with "normal" or "geeky" fools i'm not as afraid, but still are afraid to show them the "True me".
its a wierd cycle, and i don't really understand it complelty understand it.
i think it's SA and DID.
What do you guys think?