grapevine
Well-known member
Today at work I wanted to go up to my crush and thank him for asking me out (as friends I think it was) on new years and that I had fun. But guess what... I couldn't do it. And the reason was because Ive been all consumed in feeling ugly and not good enough to be attracted by him. I just withdrew.
And its something I do all the time- around him and I hate it! I act sort of like a robot I guess- mono-tonal and work related stuff - when what I really want to be is warming and funny and compassionate around him and other people too. Its just really hard to let my guard down because I react to things he does or doesn't do - in my mind and that re-affirms my negative beliefs about myself.
There was point today where I challenged this behaviour a tiny tiny bit and joked around- changed my persona- and guess what? He came up to me- (thats not unusual) but it made me think - about when I can be approachable - make others comfortable around me and when I am not. And most of the time Im not.
I just cant help but completely freeze and not be true to myself around him. How do I just let go but at the same time keep my boundaries around him? I dont even think he even knows I like him- he just knows I am freaked out by getting close - but that is not the case really.
I mean, if I show some affection, friendly affection- what is the worst that is going to happen? I know this post is long - but what should I do??
What I want is to have fun with him at work- have a good time but I dont think I can do that if he probably thinks of me as unattractive- which is hurtful because I like him. And its always in the back of my mind.
And its something I do all the time- around him and I hate it! I act sort of like a robot I guess- mono-tonal and work related stuff - when what I really want to be is warming and funny and compassionate around him and other people too. Its just really hard to let my guard down because I react to things he does or doesn't do - in my mind and that re-affirms my negative beliefs about myself.
There was point today where I challenged this behaviour a tiny tiny bit and joked around- changed my persona- and guess what? He came up to me- (thats not unusual) but it made me think - about when I can be approachable - make others comfortable around me and when I am not. And most of the time Im not.
I just cant help but completely freeze and not be true to myself around him. How do I just let go but at the same time keep my boundaries around him? I dont even think he even knows I like him- he just knows I am freaked out by getting close - but that is not the case really.
I mean, if I show some affection, friendly affection- what is the worst that is going to happen? I know this post is long - but what should I do??
What I want is to have fun with him at work- have a good time but I dont think I can do that if he probably thinks of me as unattractive- which is hurtful because I like him. And its always in the back of my mind.