Descent into nothingness

[HELP]

I have severe OCD, a complete and overriding saturation of ritualistic behaviour, I would say that I spend approximately 15 - 20 hours a day, reciting compulsions to cancel out intrusive negative thoughts. That initial strategy has worked when I was younger, yet my problem has transferred into a more severe form of it moving towards compulsive thoughts and verbal reciting to cancel out. Perhaps I could describe the thoughts and how I feel as a perpetual descent into nothingness, constantly questioning the significance of reality, and trying to construct a behavioural formula that will solve disorder and chaos within the deepest fathoms of my mind. I suppose I could call it a living asphyxiation resulting in brain death and the ever-present absence of thought process. It is within common understanding that "I think therefore I am" I do not think therefore I am not living, and just recently I have been favouring ultimate solution to my problem an easy and painless death. I could describe my mind as a complete motherboard failure requiring motherboard replacement, unfortunately my mind cannot be replaced, it can only be changed but how.
I find myself constantly questioning reality and trying to address the concept of whether infinity and the edge of the universe exist trying to facilitate a formula for all things yet not having the capability to do so nor the unquestioning presence of will.
I commonly say to myself "No me no problem"
This is my last message of hope, trying to address reality in this temporary moment of sanity that is this message before I resume my insane self destructive negative descent into the disturbed chaotic labyrinth that is my mind.
The fact that I find death an appealing option is a true and complete representation of my problem at hand.

Please help!!!

 

[Tryin]

Hi. I am really willing to help you, but.. I am afraid that noone actually can. You've gotta help yourself now. There's not much advice I can give you:

Get help. See your doctor. Talk to someone. Don't despair. Don't take it too seriously. That's all.

If you want, you can write some more about how you live and how you feel. And you can PM me (or anyone here), we will do all we can to help you keep going and start getting better.

You also might want to read something about depersonalization (try googling it) or do some other research (it's always nice to know that your problems have a name and that you are not alone with them.).


Please, take care. Hope you'll manage to sort it out.

 

[Spearmint]

..

 

[HELP]

I have understood and found useful elements within all posts, I therefore show my appreciation for the time and patience people have taken to facilitate a solution based upon experiences and techniques to address the internal patterns of these unusual physiological dynamics. The willingness for people to address these issues just illustrates our continuing battle against these irrationalities that seem to have manifested themselves into reality through concentrated, fixation of attention.
Yet for our peers, perceive us as delinquent cretins, they view us with an unusual sense of awkwardness that is literally indescribable.
The last post I believe has addressed this problem, with the effective use of computer analogy; it has helped me reframe the problem as I would address a computer hardware issue. I am still overly grateful and value the valiant efforts for all the other people who have indeed posted or even taken the time to view my post.
I take it upon myself to consider that the only way to overcome is to initiate change focused active change, and to consider that through resistance follows an equal reaction. To force a biochemical reaction in the brain, formulating new neural structures.

So therefore to quote Mr Newton “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” taking this into consideration, and applying it I believe that if one dose resist one therefore creates an equally opposite adverse reaction, perhaps I should be mindful and defect the energy of the thought rather than resist it.

It’s a long and challenging road, one has the answer for it but you can’t apply it, I fear that I will never escape.
But to quote Churchill “Never Never give up.”

Thank you for your advice and support and hope that people who read or respond with their own views can find a degree of utility from it.

Once again thank you.
:wink:

 

[paulmm]

I have felt the similar feelings of questioning reality and depersonalization because of OCD.

My OCD comes mostly in the form of obsessions, and my compulsions are to justify and complete my obsessions, which is usually impossible because I obsess about things that cannot be proved 100% either way. Most of my obsessions are sexual obsessions and the guilt I feel from them are so intense that I often shut any thoughts that I feel guilty from out of my life. It has led to me feeling that certain thoughts I have are off-limits, that I can't use them to benefit me, and it has caused me extreme mental and physical anguish. If I remember something while feeling guilty, I can't use that remembrance and I have to intentionally avoid what it was that I remembered. For example, if I was obsessing about something i felt guilty about, and then I suddenly remembered that I have a test in a class tomorrow, I won't be able to study for the test because I felt like I didn't deserve to remember that I had the test. This has developed into the intense phobia that I will remember something while obsessing and will not be able to pursue that remembrance. This has grown and grown into intricate laws that I must follow in my brain, keeping certain pleasurable activities off limits because they are "tainted" by a guilty thought at some time in my life.

Anyway, these ideas in my head that certain perfectly tangible things are actually non-existant to me because they are tainted by a guilty thought have led me to question reality altogether, leading me to feel severe depression at times and feel extreme depersonalization. I know how you feel, and I often think of suicide as an easy way out.

The problem with suicide is that it is the ultimate compulsion. Compulsions do nothing but harm, but we fear the now and present more than the future, so compulsions seem like the easy way out. Well, suicide is just like that, it is the easy way out, and the now and the present depression and hopeless feelings will go away instantly. The problem is that after suicide, there is no more pleasure, no more compulsion-free moments, there is nothing. Don't kid yourself - there is no heaven, and if there is, enjoy life on earth here before going there. Your family, your friends, brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles, will miss you greatly and will feel more empty and sad than you ever did. Suicide is the most immoral thing you can do. Use ALL other solutions before suicide.

First, try going an entire day without doing one compulsion. If that works, go another day, and so on. If you feel like you are getting better, than keep trying.

Second, if avoiding compulsions isn't helping, see a therapist. They help SOOOO much. I never thought so until i saw one. I thought I was a pedophile, a homosexual, a child molestor, a sociopath, etc. until I saw a therapist. Now I know that I am completely normal and none of the things that I mentioned, aside from a sufferer of powerful OCD.

Third, if a therapist doesn't help enough, there is an extremely broad range of medications out there that WILL help. I was prescribed anafranil and I never took it, but my therapist told me that if i ever wanted to, it would make my obsessions and my compulsions just disappear. Into thin air. I always have that option.

Fourth, there are infinite more ways of dealing with problems like OCD before death. Keep telling yourself that death is the end. It's the end of everything, and its not a solution. Solutions solve problems to make things better. Death makes things nothing. You will go from whoever you are, your name, your birthday, your charm, your personality, your place in society, to nothingness. You will have no memories, no closure, nothing. And even though that may seem desireable at the height of a compulsive day, just stick it out. Be depressed, watch tv, quit your job, w/e. Just don't think suicide. Ever. It is NEVER the answer.