Depression is eating me

[Honda]

Ive always been beaten by depression and defeat through my whole life that i feel like its part of my nature?

Since i graduated from college and now am working i feel so depressed and lonely... I dont find any girls to meet around me and i always felt i needed a girl to get my head straightened.. I missed opportunities cuz i never had balls to go for it since college years.. Im 22 never had a girl and feel depressed most of the time but not about that; just a feeling cuz i barely have time to see and sit with friends and spend most of my time alone because of work.. I stayed for a very long time alone without friends and it was hell... Used to chase people just to make friends but was avoided cuz i was a desperate loser.. Now i got good friends but whenever i feel alone, it just kills me..

I dont know what to do to kill this feeling as it shatters my confidence and makes me feel weak and scared of people around me... Girls in my area arent easy and usually prefer to know the person theyd go out with.. It got into my mind that i want to meet a girl and take her out for new years cuz i dont wana party alone but i dont know how to approach stranger girls for such a thing..

 

[chickenmaryjane]

i feel your pain, depression is terrible. Honda it sounds to me that your suffering from low self esteem and deep loneliness. Do you feel this way because you have a difficult time relating to others? SA suffers tend to feel like outsiders and weirdos. I think you should be grateful that you have friends, many of us don't. It probably will do you good if you get some help from a therapist.

 

[Honda]

^ i just hate being alone cuz it makes me depressed and makes me think of bad memories.. @ work im along most of the time and when i leave, i love to go have a beer, lounge and even go clubbing to clear out the stress... I have a low self esteem but sometimes my confidence peaks everyone elses... and people like me and enjoy my company... I tend to confuse my self when dealing with certain situations which puts in an embarrasing position and ruin opportunities for me, such as girls... I always find it difficult to make an approach as the anxiety shows on my face but when ur in a club and dancing its just perfect occassion.. Many girls liked me but i turned them down cuz they werent my type, i just couldnt... I always had the fear of being in a relationship and thats why i dont like being serious..

 

[Tempus35]

I have the deep loneliness down here, depression is a killer, it even effects my college work.

 

[legs13]

Well...I find i am depressed most often in the mornings...currently I am unemployed and not studying so I have alot of time to think 'things' out in my head which is very bad for my depression. I find a friendly chat with a friend helps to take my mind off things but at the moment I am looking for a permanent change..

 

[Honda]

I dont like going to a therapist, i feel it will not help at all and id rather get over it myself as a i got over alot of things before...

Permanent Change... Thats what im looking for but dont find anything.. 45-48 Hours a week im away from social contact in the office and end up seeing family after work and my friends never come up with something interesting so far.. I lived a boring life and would kill to get chances of enjoying it for the sake of knowing my im not lifeless and i feel bored and depressed most of the time.. I get paranoid and short tempered on silly things for no apparent reason and i need to cool off.. I just cant find anything to kill it and work took over a huge portion of my life along with the fact that i spend the weekends alone doing nothing...

I wana change the way i live my life but i dont know how to bring the change into my life.. Tried to meet people or girls online but you know i doesnt work that way.. I spend 8 hours a day behind the computer screen and i hate sitting behind a computer for ages.. As when i was a kid i spent almost all of my life behind a computer screen and never had social contact with people unless i got to school where i get bullied, picked on, beaten up, offended in the worst ways possible, and even molested.. The problem is i never had the guts to stand up to myself and till now i have fear from bullies and they could smell it a mile away.. I never did anything else and i never dared to play sports... I used to go to school and go back home and thats it.. The only time i started going out with people is when i reached my 12th grade in school and then i knew a concept of going out with people and seeing the world..

I actually found the computer as an escape from the real world and the problems i had with it. When i was in school and IN the 1st 2 years of college.. I had a difficulty as a teenager to socialize with people and people used to know i got issues and used to pick on me... I used to be scared of making friends, talking to people, asking girls out and even standing up for myself.. People find me wierd and sick and know im scared at those times and people can see a hint that i had a distrubed life and the fact that im weak... They take advantage of my low self esteem, short temper or try to make me feel small and weak... I cant easily get back at them cuz they hold me by the throat and know all my weaknesses.. I was stupid, i used to reveal myself to people and tell them almost everything about myself and some of them were complete dickheads..

I even get paranoid, when im listening to music in traffic with the windows down, about raising the volume so that i dont grab the other driver's attention as if im doing something embarrasing..

I got a couple of good friends i got to know in college yet they still try to jokingly mess around with me cuz they feel i got a short temper..

Sometimes i sit and think that this is what normal people are and this is what normal people react and there were times i had to pretend im ordinary to make people accept me.. but thats very minimal now...

Well this is my life and im 22 now and i see how people of my age are more mature, realistic and living life better than i do.. I feel like i miss something but i dont care i just wana live life only and i dont wana care about what the future has for me even if i dont go anywhere in life i just wana feel happy and enjoy but just dont find occasions or a proper company to do so... & this life demands too much and u need a relief from the stress... I mean if this is life, then why i find it difficult to accept it and live with it...

 

[Honda]

Well...I find i am depressed most often in the mornings...currently I am unemployed and not studying so I have alot of time to think 'things' out in my head which is very bad for my depression. I find a friendly chat with a friend helps to take my mind off things but at the moment I am looking for a permanent change..

I feel your pain, its quite difficult to sit without a job, i hate it... I had this phase too after college, so i went as a part time intern to an office to gain a bit of experience here and there and fill up my timings... I hope you get lucky and some nice opportunity comes up..