Daughter doesn't want to go to science camp

[bluenow]

My daughter is 10. Went to camp at 8, hated it. She is sometimes shy and does have anxiety symptoms.

Now her school is sending the 5th graders to science camp for a week. Sounds so fun but she intensely does not want to go. Says she hates camping/hiking, etc. I think it's SA but don't talk to her about that.

I usually gently push her to try new things, call friends, etc. But this is for a week and she absolutely does not want to go.

Would you make her go? What if she comes home in misery? I'm leaning towards not sending her.

One other thing. If she doesn't go she has to go to a 4th grade class for the week, how humiliating!

 

[racheH]

I don't think making her go will help. Exposure to what we fear only helps if done in the right way. When it's not controlled, it's more likely that exposure will make a phobia worse. She needs to experience being in the feared situation and it being less stressful and more pleasurable than usual. This is desensitisation. To make her do something she has been worried about will probably make things worse, as the more anticipation anxiety someone goes through, the more they reinforce the notion that what they fear is bad. I would try to find out what exactly the problem is. I'm assuming you have social phobia yourself? Explain to her that you fear things that cannot hurt you,* and that lots of other people do and that it can be helped. I never dared tell anyone how I felt because the phobia told me that no one must ever think me weird, even my own mother, even though I knew she'd treat me the same whatever she thought :roll: So if she's reassured that she won't be disapproved of in any way for such a problem, she'll be more likely to admit it, I reckon.

*Remember though, she may not have considered yet that disapproval or whatever it is can't hurt her - when my dad asked me as a child why I was afraid of spiders when I could step on one and it would never hurt me, I was stunned! It had just never occured to me to question the rationale of my feelings - what felt so must be so.

Hope that helps

 

[bluenow]

Good points! Thank you so much for the advice. It helped me so much in making my decision to keep her out of camp and out of school next week. I'm trying so hard to not screw her up!

 

[racheH]

You're welcome Good luck.

 

[racheH]

Would she sit with the grade 4s instead of going camping? You said it would humiliating: is that you or her talking?

Very good point. I thought along those lines when reading the original post too. If you fear her suffering in this way, I suggest trying very hard not to let her know it - that's how these things can be passed on through generations. What first occured to me when I read that she'd have to go with Grade 4s was how much fun that could be! She'd probably get to help the teacher and feel all important and grown up, and the younger kids might look up to her rather than victimise her for being different. At least, my memories of that age are of children loving to have a more experienced, thus cooler, kid to talk to. So if you're going to find out how she feels in certain situations, don't suggest your own ideas. Ask simply 'how do you feel when...?' and go from there, rather than 'do you feel _______ when...?' I should have advised that before.

 

[newshyguy]

?

have you tried showing her your belt????

maybe a little of tough love could help


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god bless all shy

 

[gatsby]

A few years back I was in a similar situation - except that I was the kid, not the adult.

My parents were considering signing me up for some character-building residential camp which I totally didn't want to go for. They assumed that I wanted to stay at home and play computer games all day, but in truth I simply didn't want to be put together with a bunch of total strangers. Its not that I hated social interaction - in fact I do like hanging out with friends I'm familiar with. I just felt really anxious at the prospect of being forced to interact with people which I never knew before.

Well, I hope that helps you understand your kids better.

 

[bluenow]

Hi Guys,

Thank you for the replies.

The camp is with the whole 5th grade, so she would have friends there.

I also thought it might be cool to be with the 4th graders, but she said, "it will be so humiliating". She said last year when she was in 4th grade, other 4th graders were laughing at the 5th graders that were in her class. Like they were stupid because they didn't go.

My husband (Mr. tough love himself, but not as hard as newshy guy) & I have discussed this and he says let her stay home 8O Coulda knocked me over with a feather.

She isn't going, but I still feel like I'm making a mistake.

Some extra info I don't feel comfortable sharing, but what are the chances you all would know her: her anxiety symptoms show in picking her hair, eyelashes and eyebrows out.

 

[arrina]

my school did a class exchange in germany and I really really didnt want to go I thought it was going to be terrible. The trouth is you cant ever tell unless you go. I would not have regreted not going had I not gone but It turned out I had a pretty ok time not as scary as I had thought. And It gave me lots of confidence to do things.

I never really go to parties but thats because I have been to a number forcing myself partly because my mum would like me to be more social and partly I wanted to be with my friend but I hated them all. Activities are usually alright but staying a week is a risk because there is a chance she will not enjoy it and not being able to come home at the end of a day is hard.
I dont know if forsing someone to do things like that is good because they might loose trust in you and your suport I think suporting her and encoreging her to make the choice to do things is good.

I am very glad your daughter has such a suportive parent and your probably right not making an issue out of it because It can become an excuss not to do things sometimes.


turned into a bit of a ramble sorry bout that.

 

[bluenow]

Thank you arrina.