sara1975
1
Since i was 18 months old i have been different, it started when my mum was very ill and stayed in hospital for 3 weeks and when she came out i wouldn't go anywhere near her for 3 days then after that i never wanted to leave her side.
I only spoke to my mum, dad, brother, sister and nan.
I was sent home from nursery because i was so upset and they told my mum that they had never seen a child so distraught.
My mums friend then looked after me but i never spoke to her.
One morning my mum took me to her friends house for her to look after me and left me in the front room with my coat on and my bag the side of me and told her friend who was in the kitchen chatting to another friend that she was going and that i was in the other room and then left only to come back 4 hours later to find me still sitting in the same spot where she left me, coat on and bag by my side, i had just sat there all that time as i didn't have the confidence to say anything.
My mum never took me back, instead she gave up work.
For the first year in school i never spoke to the teacher so they called my mum in and told her they thought i was just very shy and would grow out of it but i never did.
I would go out with my grandad most weekends but i never spoke to him, i would stay with my aunt for 2 weeks every summer holiday but never spoke to her.
I hated school and would be sent home crying.
Secondary school was just as bad i hated it, i felt fear of going but i didn't know why.
I missed loads of school but the teachers did nothing.
I never went out on my own anywhere.
I left school still not knowing what was wrong with me.
Anywhere people were made me panic so i avoided it.
I could go out but only if someone i trusted was with me.
At school i was skinny with glasses and never got any attention from boys but when i turned 16 the glasses came off and i got shapely and all of a sudden i had the boys chatting me up that were never interested before, i had men coming up to me all the time asking me out and instead of being pleased it scared the life out of me all the attention of people looking at me when i walked in a pub.
I had my first boyfriend at 16 but i had been friends with him since we were 10 but it never worked out as i kept a wall up between us as i was scared of getting hurt or being rejected.
Even with the attention i got i was still scared of being rejected.
I had the odd kiss and fumble when i was out but only if i had been drinking as sober i would never of dreamed of making the first move just in case i was rejected.
It wasn't until i was about 18 that i read a leaflet about social phobia and agoraphobia that i realized there was a name for what was wrong with me or so i thought.
Because i had been this way for so long i had developed coping skills and as the last thing i wanted was to be noticed or the center of attention i worked out how i could pretend that i wasn't panicking inside, sweating with my heart racing, i put on a act, i would call it 'my going out sara' the girl who would laugh and joke and look like she was confident.
I was so good at this some friends didn't even know i had a phobia.
I didn't go to the doctor until i was about 21 and they confirmed i had social phobia which had developed in to agoraphobia.
When i was 24 my mum who i relied on for everything was told she had cancer and died just 2 weeks later which sent me in to some kind of numbness and denial, it felt like it was happening to someone else and when i look back now its like i am out of my body watching it.
I was then very scared of what the future would bring as my mum was my right arm, even though i had other family and lived with my dad they never understood like my mum did, i never had to ask her to come with me places she just knew wheres with other family members i had to ask which i hated.
When i was 27 i decided i had to do something as i hadst had a relationship since i was 16, had never worked and still couldn't go anywhere on my own so i went to a new doctor who got me a mental health nurse.
The nurse was great but to be able to go out on my own and do the things i needed to do to get better i put on the 'going out sara' which i never really even noticed.
It worked as after a few weeks not only was i going out on my own but i had a job.
The problem was to be able to go to work everyday i had to put on the 'going out sara' everyday and after some time without even noticing it i was the 'going out sara' which wasn't good as it wasn't me, i worry about everything so i stop my self from doing things just in case it goes wrong but the 'going out sara' doesn't think about weather or not i should do something or even if i want to as i would just do it and worry later.
It was like i was manic, thinking, saying and doing things i would never normally do, well not unless i was drunk.
My best friend even said she was shocked by how i had changed and didn't know me anymore.
Well while i was like this i thought i was normal and better as i wasn't frightened anymore, i had a job and was going out so the next step to show i was normal was to get a partner and started seeing a old friend the problem was i never liked him like that before but i started seeing him anyway.
To cut a even longer story short my manic behavior got me in to a dangerous situation which bought the real me back to earth with a very large bump..
I kept thinking why did i do this? why did i do that? when i looked back at those 6 months it just wasn't me at all.
I also got rid of the boyfriend that i couldn't stand touching me when i was back to normal me.
I then became agoraphobic again and back to what i see my self as 'normal'.
I am now 35 and married but i still cant go out on my own and haven't done so for 6 years.
I haven't been manic since i was 27 and i think it was bought on by my mum dieing not dipole or anything, i think it was my minds way of coping.
I have been on many forums for people with social phobia and agoraphobia but not one of them has said they have always been this way or they cant remember being normal, all of them have had a normal period of life then for what ever reasons have developed phobias where with me i have always been like this, i cant remember not being like it, to me THIS is normal.
I read on here a lot of you cant remember not being like this so i was wondering do i have APD and not just phobias?
sorry this is so long.
I only spoke to my mum, dad, brother, sister and nan.
I was sent home from nursery because i was so upset and they told my mum that they had never seen a child so distraught.
My mums friend then looked after me but i never spoke to her.
One morning my mum took me to her friends house for her to look after me and left me in the front room with my coat on and my bag the side of me and told her friend who was in the kitchen chatting to another friend that she was going and that i was in the other room and then left only to come back 4 hours later to find me still sitting in the same spot where she left me, coat on and bag by my side, i had just sat there all that time as i didn't have the confidence to say anything.
My mum never took me back, instead she gave up work.
For the first year in school i never spoke to the teacher so they called my mum in and told her they thought i was just very shy and would grow out of it but i never did.
I would go out with my grandad most weekends but i never spoke to him, i would stay with my aunt for 2 weeks every summer holiday but never spoke to her.
I hated school and would be sent home crying.
Secondary school was just as bad i hated it, i felt fear of going but i didn't know why.
I missed loads of school but the teachers did nothing.
I never went out on my own anywhere.
I left school still not knowing what was wrong with me.
Anywhere people were made me panic so i avoided it.
I could go out but only if someone i trusted was with me.
At school i was skinny with glasses and never got any attention from boys but when i turned 16 the glasses came off and i got shapely and all of a sudden i had the boys chatting me up that were never interested before, i had men coming up to me all the time asking me out and instead of being pleased it scared the life out of me all the attention of people looking at me when i walked in a pub.
I had my first boyfriend at 16 but i had been friends with him since we were 10 but it never worked out as i kept a wall up between us as i was scared of getting hurt or being rejected.
Even with the attention i got i was still scared of being rejected.
I had the odd kiss and fumble when i was out but only if i had been drinking as sober i would never of dreamed of making the first move just in case i was rejected.
It wasn't until i was about 18 that i read a leaflet about social phobia and agoraphobia that i realized there was a name for what was wrong with me or so i thought.
Because i had been this way for so long i had developed coping skills and as the last thing i wanted was to be noticed or the center of attention i worked out how i could pretend that i wasn't panicking inside, sweating with my heart racing, i put on a act, i would call it 'my going out sara' the girl who would laugh and joke and look like she was confident.
I was so good at this some friends didn't even know i had a phobia.
I didn't go to the doctor until i was about 21 and they confirmed i had social phobia which had developed in to agoraphobia.
When i was 24 my mum who i relied on for everything was told she had cancer and died just 2 weeks later which sent me in to some kind of numbness and denial, it felt like it was happening to someone else and when i look back now its like i am out of my body watching it.
I was then very scared of what the future would bring as my mum was my right arm, even though i had other family and lived with my dad they never understood like my mum did, i never had to ask her to come with me places she just knew wheres with other family members i had to ask which i hated.
When i was 27 i decided i had to do something as i hadst had a relationship since i was 16, had never worked and still couldn't go anywhere on my own so i went to a new doctor who got me a mental health nurse.
The nurse was great but to be able to go out on my own and do the things i needed to do to get better i put on the 'going out sara' which i never really even noticed.
It worked as after a few weeks not only was i going out on my own but i had a job.
The problem was to be able to go to work everyday i had to put on the 'going out sara' everyday and after some time without even noticing it i was the 'going out sara' which wasn't good as it wasn't me, i worry about everything so i stop my self from doing things just in case it goes wrong but the 'going out sara' doesn't think about weather or not i should do something or even if i want to as i would just do it and worry later.
It was like i was manic, thinking, saying and doing things i would never normally do, well not unless i was drunk.
My best friend even said she was shocked by how i had changed and didn't know me anymore.
Well while i was like this i thought i was normal and better as i wasn't frightened anymore, i had a job and was going out so the next step to show i was normal was to get a partner and started seeing a old friend the problem was i never liked him like that before but i started seeing him anyway.
To cut a even longer story short my manic behavior got me in to a dangerous situation which bought the real me back to earth with a very large bump..
I kept thinking why did i do this? why did i do that? when i looked back at those 6 months it just wasn't me at all.
I also got rid of the boyfriend that i couldn't stand touching me when i was back to normal me.
I then became agoraphobic again and back to what i see my self as 'normal'.
I am now 35 and married but i still cant go out on my own and haven't done so for 6 years.
I haven't been manic since i was 27 and i think it was bought on by my mum dieing not dipole or anything, i think it was my minds way of coping.
I have been on many forums for people with social phobia and agoraphobia but not one of them has said they have always been this way or they cant remember being normal, all of them have had a normal period of life then for what ever reasons have developed phobias where with me i have always been like this, i cant remember not being like it, to me THIS is normal.
I read on here a lot of you cant remember not being like this so i was wondering do i have APD and not just phobias?
sorry this is so long.
