Conversations

[sketchy24]

So, sometimes, I'll be happy and positive as I go to work hoping this day will be different. I don't try to change and just act un-natural like suddenly say "hello, (name)" (I can never say hello and then their name... I'll just say hello if someone says it first... but I still can't say the name) or something. But I'll just be upbeat.

Anyway, my problem is even though I may feel a bit more confident, I still don't have anything to say at work. I'm not really nervous to be around these people, I've been there over a year. If they say something to me I'll reply fine. But when it comes to general conversation, I can't start one up. And if a conversation starts, I can't keep it going. I just feel I don't have anything to say. And I hate it cause they still try to talk to me a little bit and then it soon seems they're just grasping at ways to keep talking.

Most people don't say anything to me cause I'm so quiet and if they do its usually just about work. But like, theres all these people who have come in since I started and have no problem fitting in or talking with people. They have general conversations and people go over and just start talking.

I'm convinced my lack of communication skills is the major problem now and if I could fix that maybe my SA would get better? At the beginning I was all quiet and never said much because I was new. But now that I'm comfortable, I don't have anything to say cause I really don't know what to say or hold any kind of conversation. And they already asked all the questions at the beginning and I just answered them just to answer them. And then people stopped talking cause there wasn't anything left to ask. So now if I have anything to say to me at all its just work related.

Any ideas on how to open up a little bit more? Develop better communication skills and such? I would like to find a hobby or something people at work like or something. But I can hardly find motivation for stuff I LIKE to do like drawing let alone finding a new hobby just to have something to talk about.

Most at work all seem to work on cars and I noticed newbies make friends talking about what they did to their car and blah blah. But uh, I really don't have a single clue about cars and I don't have much desire to learn. Plus I don't know where I would start anyway.

I just hate not having anything to say or watching people leave their station to go talk with someone at the station on the other side of me when I'm right there. But then I wouldn't have anything to say anyway so kinda glad they dont. Just wish I could hold myself up better and not be such a bore.

Oh well...

 

[tool1919]

Hi, I must admit my conversation skills are the ultimate and i often find it hard to keep conversations going for a long time, but i do have a few suggestions that you may or may not have already thought of.

You mention they all like cars. Even if you don't like them, i've found that it helps me often to at least act interested in other peoples hobbies and they often love talking a lot about them. So in that case all you really have to do is listen. But the key is actually LISTENING. Not just hearing them while you rack your brain trying to think of what to say next. But actually listening and trying to learn about it and when you don't understand something then ask them about it. It is easier if you can say to them at the start something like "Oh, I don't actually know anything about it/them but i've always been curious about how they work" or whatever. You are admitting you know nothing about it, which makes your stupid questions not seem stupid, and they feel comfortable teaching you a bit about it.

Just a suggestion that i find helps a bit. I just find people love to talk about what they like and it takes the onus off you a bit. The next thing would then be to find maybe one thing that you like to do. For example i play guitar and it helps me a lot cos i get a lot of enjoyment from it. It's also something i can tell people which can often lead to other conversation topics like favorite bands and music. Other good topics (especially for me being male) are sport. So just by familiarising yourself with current sport, maybe tv programs and current affairs can help to begin getting to know someone.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[Broken_Memory]

I'll post more later, but I must say that I feel my conversational skills are lacking as well. My mind freezes, and I feel like anything I have to say will sound too childish.

I've also had a tough time saying people's name after saying hello to them. Its weird! I think its because I'm afraid I'll say it wrong or something. I wish it wasn't so difficult though, because it makes me feel more connected to a person if I say their name.

 

[ghost_train]

I've also had a tough time saying people's name after saying hello to them. Its weird! I think its because I'm afraid I'll say it wrong or something. I wish it wasn't so difficult though, because it makes me feel more connected to a person if I say their name.

ditto! I just cannot say the person's name after I say hello. Just like there are certain other things I just would not be able to say. I think it is largely to do with not being able to imagine myself acually saying it, or at least, imagining it as sounding totally out of character and therefore drawing lots of attention.

However, I don't think it's too big a deal, as I think, rather than making a closer connection with someone, saying their name whenever you address someone creates a gap- keeps it less personal.

 

[mesc000]

I find I just keep asking the person questions, over and over again about a relationship, or work.. or whatever... I get kinda panicky when there is that awkward silence because I have nothing to say and then I think that that I'm giving off a weirdo vibe. I suggest that you start going up to people during break times and such and asking them about their day.. or work... It sounds awkward, but I find that that is the best way to get yourself out there. Don't think... just do. The main problem with SA is our over-analyzing, paranoid thought processes. Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it.. lol to ur self.

 

[ripewithdecay]

I find if you can't relate to another person's hobbies (such as cars), it's actually the perfect opportunity to chat them up. Why? Because you give them the opportunity to talk to you and have a conversation that is pleasing to them (because they get to share their knowledge with you), and also get to learn about something new that maybe you thought was uninteresting at first but maybe in the long run is something you'd like to learn about. Ask questions, appear interested, listen, and pretty soon they'll be thinkin' "Hey this guy is pretty easy to talk to. I think I like this guy. I'm gonna find out a little bit more about him next time." After all it's just a conversation. That's what humans do, pass info from one another about certain things. If everyone knew everything there is to know about cars nobody would bother talking at all. So don't let that be intimidating. Also, not having something to say is normal for some people (like us!) So you know what? Fuck it. You ain't got nothing to say. Who cares? Want to know something? If you listen in to the people who are talking with each other each day whatever they're talking about isn't all the friggin interesting anyway! Trust me, try it next time you're at work, deliberately listen in on a conversation and believe me people aren't much more interesting than you, they just feel the knack to say things out loud to one another. Once you start accepting that you're not a huge talker and that you're just a reserved person you WILL have something to say eventually once in a while that people WILL be interested in. Because right now your brain is just too concerned and sick with worry about finding the right thing to say. Eliminate that and just free your mind up, let it find something naturally on it's own - ponder things more often, imagine things more often, observe things more often - this creates ideas for conversation in your head. Give it some time and relax a bit and you'll see.