Contributing factors of SA - Anyone had cold parents?

[Pacific_Loner]

Hello people,

In an attempt to try to fix my social anxiety, Avpd and self-esteem issues, I'm digging up my childhood looking for what could have cause this. I found some obvious elements, like my mother's own mental illness and the fact that she spent lots of energy destroying my self-esteem troughout my childhood and teenage years, as her father did to her. By the way, realizing this really helped me to put my self-perception in perspective and I'm starting to consider the possibility that maybe I see myself through a slightly distorted mirror. I suggest the childhood dig up exercice to everyone here.

Another element I was wondering about is that someone made me notice how cold my parents were during my childhood. I have no memories of hugs. The memories I have of physical contact with my mother involve pain because she was not a soft person. My father has always been a cold person. Now I'm very uncomfortable with any physical contact and I think it contributes to SA and Avpd.

Does anyone relate to this, or does anyone have any reflexion about what could have causes SA, and does realizing it helps you to overcome it?

 

[sullyS25]

I can identify with your past for sure.....I used to want to know all the contributing factors and dug up my past and such.....then I used what I found as an excuse to stay the way I was.....today I am very aware of the contributing factors but I try to let go of those memories as they are in the past.

I think it is cool to know but also good not to hold on to this past because it will result in a lot of the same actions....just an opinion though

 

[Etbow23]

I've been thinking about the same things...about what factors contributed to this developing. I don't know if I had cold parents necessarily-I think I did to a degree. I had little contact with my real father and now have no idea of his whereabouts. My mother is a cold person in the regard that she can't talk about anything that makes her uncomfortable--which is about 99% of things. The man who was my stepfather for many years was someone who loved conditionally and was emotionally abusive. I don't have contact with him anymore either.

I think two other things that may have contributed may be: I suffered rejection in high school and basically people started treating me like a crazy person and I got bullied. This was weird because before that I was generally accepted and even had some friends. This rejection happened I think when I started dressing like a hippie. I had one friend who I started being mean to. I can't say exactly every thing else that happened. But I do remember the lonely days wandering around at lunchtime when I had no one really to eat with, and skipping school. That type of stuff. I remember I fell into deep depression and would sometimes spend my night crying. I got involved with bad people on the street who I felt were the only ones who liked me. These were bad men. I tried to kill myself one night. Long story short. That was the beginning of the end. I One day I ran away on my way to the school bus and didn't come back. Eventually the police found me and from then on it was a string of running away and hospitals. I think some of the abuse I experienced on the streets could have contributed as well.

I was the youngest child and was usually left out of my older sibling's activities. Wherever we went there seemed to be kids their age and they'd all be together and treat me as their clown to provide entertainment.

I'm debating all these things as you are in what exactly caused my issues with not only social anxiety but other forms of anxiety and depression. Things seem so strange to me. I don't know why I acted up so much in my adolescence. I know I was suffering from low self-esteem which I think was in part caused by my father's abandonment and the way my stepfather treated me. I'm wondering if this caused the social rejection in high school and whether that rejection may have contributed to social anxiety. I think it contributed to me searching the streets for love. But I really want to get down to what caused the problem with social anxiety I'm having now. It's very interesting. I think that cold parents and dysfunctional families in general can definitely be a contributing factor to a whole slew of issues later in life.

Keep strong

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Thanks guys for your contribution

Sully - I think that no matter the context, people use the information they get in good or bad ways. Same thing with the contributing factors of your issues. I'm sure I used some of them to dwell in my depression at some time of my life as well, but I would have dwell in it anyhow. Now that I'm trying to move forward, I find that trying to understand is very useful to get better and be in peace with the past.

Etbow, I relate a lot... I don't know but in my case finding out all these things really helped me to be at peace with some of it. And if you take a step backward and look at it, it IS really interesting how much it molds who we are.... kind of disturbing too

 

[deleted #89]

Dude digging up your past cannot help you get over your social anxiety. The enviroment, parents and your own behavior all contributed to who you are now. The key here is for you to understand that SA is a learned behavior. You are never going to wake up one day and experience a sudden catharsis. Yeah its absolutely normal to want to know why you experience SA today but remember that you can always reverse a behavior.

@Sully I agree with you.