constantly running ...

schist

Well-known member
Hey all,

This is my first post here on this forum, and I'd like to relate to you an issue that eats me up almost daily.

As it starts with all love stories, "you see, there's this girl" ... I've been interested in this girl (who we'll call 'Nicole') for the past 8 months. Now, for most of that time, she's been away overseas, and I've received a fair few offers from other girls to enter into a relationship with them, but have (regretfully) had to turn them all down, due to not being able to be "there" emotionally.

Nicole returned home a couple of weeks ago, and ever since then I've found it unfathomably difficult to try and talk to her, to even manage a "Hi", or "Hello", due to crippling anxiety problems. For some reason, I find it relatively easy to talk to everyone else except her, and I'm sure she's probably wondered why I appear to be "ignoring" her. Well, I'd give everything to be able to have a conversation with her, but I always seem to run scared when the opportunity even remotely presents itself. And, for days, I will dwell on this, and lose focus on pretty much everything else, which of course is not good.

I keep constantly telling myself "you can do it", but everytime I see her, I just drop everything and run away like a scared little coward. Hell, even when good friends of mine are seen talking to her, I can't even approach them!

And, what's worse yet, she's constantly been the subject of my recurring nightmares where I do try to talk to her, but no matter what I say, no matter how inoffensive, always has me castigated or looked at weird by her and her friends. I'd love for it all to stop, and I know the only way to kill these horrific visions is to swallow it and actually go up and talk to her, but I'm starting to think now maybe I'm a little too weak to deliver on my intentions, and will most probably gradually descend into madness as a result. ::(:

Friends of mine who know her who I've talked to about it say to try adding her on Facebook, but I tell them I'd rather physically talk to her first. But, this is really all just to cover up the fact that I have a strong feeling that she'll reject me. I mean, why should she accept my add if I can't even ****ing talk to her, right?

I actually had a pretty good opportunity tonight, but as usual I blew it. This has to end, I've actually come close to vomiting due to the intense anxiety that builds whenever she's around, and I fear that I'll fall into a full-blown anxiety attack at some point.

For whoever's read this far, I suppose I'm asking you, the good people of this board, for some advice as to what you might do in this situation.

Cheers.
 

mrb

Well-known member
hmmmm cant you get her to join you on messenger so you can chat to her on there , just talk to her get to know her on there , and admit your a little worried about talking to her cos your shy .... you never know some girls like shy guys ... i talked to my gf on messenger for ages b4 we met , it worked for me mate , and good luck hope it all works out for you .....
 

planemo

Well-known member
Yeah, I was too cowardly to talk to a girl I really liked in Uni. I really regret it now, but at the time, running away was the best I could do. I used to get the jitters every time she was around too. I wish I could give you some advice, but really don't have any. Other than the fact that I guess guys like us, need to fundamentally change the way we think about ourselves and others and thus gain some much needed confidence. For me, I guess that will probably take forever, but maybe you should give it a try.

Maybe consciously taking pressure off yourself will work too. Just try to see talking to her, as the same as talking to anyone else. Easier said then done of course.
 

schist

Well-known member
Here's the thing - when we first met, she used to be friendly and say "Hi" to me all the time when we passed each other, and I would reciprocate. Unfortunately, that was as far as any conversation between us ever got, and after a while she must have decided that I wasn't interested in her and stopped talking to me altogether off her own volition.

I guess the ol' saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" rings true here. Every inch of my being screams out for me to talk to her, but for some reason when it comes crunch time I s**t out and run away from her, and I really hate it. No matter how thoroughly I try to mentally prepare myself beforehand.

It's times like this I question why I have to be cursed with social anxiety/shyness.
 
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schist

Well-known member
After much deliberation, I've settled on a workable (I think) solution - try to temporarily "fall out of love" with her, just so I can talk to her like I can everyone else.

Sounds crazy, but it just might work.
 

mrb

Well-known member
After much deliberation, I've settled on a workable (I think) solution - try to temporarily "fall out of love" with her, just so I can talk to her like I can everyone else.

Sounds crazy, but it just might work.

good luck with that mate ::p: but you never know it might work if you can pull it off ;)
 

planemo

Well-known member
After much deliberation, I've settled on a workable (I think) solution - try to temporarily "fall out of love" with her, just so I can talk to her like I can everyone else.

Sounds crazy, but it just might work.

I guess that might work. Good luck.:)
 

schist

Well-known member
A little update on the situation ...

Yesterday night, I managed to muster up the courage to talk to her, and we had a pretty good conversation.

However, she's normally very talkative and outgoing around her friends/other people, but when I talked to her, she seemed really quiet and shy. As I left, I told her it was nice to finally talk to her, to which she smiled shyly.

You know, I can't help but feel a little confused by all this. She asked about me and what I do for a living, so she didn't really strike me as being disinterested. However, she was looking away almost the whole time, and only looking at me every so often as she spoke.

Hmm ...
 

coyote

Well-known member
A little update on the situation ...

Yesterday night, I managed to muster up the courage to talk to her, and we had a pretty good conversation.

However, she's normally very talkative and outgoing around her friends/other people, but when I talked to her, she seemed really quiet and shy. As I left, I told her it was nice to finally talk to her, to which she smiled shyly.

You know, I can't help but feel a little confused by all this. She asked about me and what I do for a living, so she didn't really strike me as being disinterested. However, she was looking away almost the whole time, and only looking at me every so often as she spoke.

Hmm ...

Sounds as though she likes you :]
 

Luthien

Well-known member
Sounds as though she likes you :]

I agree, I think she likes you!

I was going to suggest something for getting over the fear (even though you already did) I just had an idea that might help people or it might not, I just wanted to get it out there.

So maybe if you just daydreamed about talking to her and GOOD things happening. There's a lot of studies of the brain that show that when you imagine you're doing something your brain does the EXACT same thing as when you're actually doing it. So they'll have a runner all wired up and tell them to imagine they're running a race, imagine the starting gun firing and taking off. When they imagine it, it does the same thing in their body as if they were running.

So maybe if you want to do something and you spend enough time envisioning doing it with a positive outcome, then you'll be able to! The brain is so interesting... don't you think?
 

schist

Well-known member
Another update ...

... she has a boyfriend now. And it ain't me. ::(: Orwell ...

One thing I've learned about life is that the tides constantly ebb and flow, so if there's another chance in the future, I'm sure as hell taking it. But for now, I know I gotta move on with my life and chase the next fish in the sea. No point dwelling on it.
 

Luthien

Well-known member
I think that's a great attitude to have! Well done ^-^!

I just wanted to tell you that this is no failure, I think you've made a huge achievement! You overcame your fear and you went for something scary and uncertain, which I think for people with SA is very difficult (I know for me a big part of my recovery has been easing up on my reactions to situations out of my control, and just trying to accept that just about everything is out of my control)

SOooo, I think you totally rock!! You can't win 'em all, but you'll never win ANY if you don't try ^.^
 

schist

Well-known member
I think that's a great attitude to have! Well done ^-^!

I just wanted to tell you that this is no failure, I think you've made a huge achievement! You overcame your fear and you went for something scary and uncertain, which I think for people with SA is very difficult (I know for me a big part of my recovery has been easing up on my reactions to situations out of my control, and just trying to accept that just about everything is out of my control)

SOooo, I think you totally rock!! You can't win 'em all, but you'll never win ANY if you don't try ^.^

Well I dunno if he's actually her boyfriend - I saw him kissing and touching her last night and inviting her to sit on his lap, but she never reciprocated (apart from the sitting on the lap) - and I saw them do this the months before she left for Europe as well, so maybe it's a casual thing?

And, it's not like I was rejected either, so all is not lost. But, as i said, it'd be naive of me to wait around for her - I gotta find another one. Hopefully the next one's even better ...

EDIT: **** Nicole, I've discovered an even better girl on the horizon ... :D
 
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Halym

Banned
I also had the same problem... I ran away from a girl whom I loved very deeply because of shyness.. If I were you that time, I'd also run away.. If I were you now, I would add her on facebook and use any kind of chance I get to talk to her..
 
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