Comparing yourself to others

[nickabcuk]

...

 

[Scottish_Player]

Hiya Nick,there is none of the options i could really fit myself into exactly as it depends on the individual person. For example if the person is more confident than me then i feel small and less confident but if i see someone is less socialy confident than me then i feel better as if i have the upper hand, i know that sounds a nasty thing to say but its just the way it makes me feel. If the person is less confident than me then i feel i can relax more around them

 

[MrsP]

I feel uninteresting all the time and every time I go out now I look at other girls and compare myself and feel really bad about my appearance even though there's nothign wrong with me according to everyone I know and they say it's all in my head but I just can't wait to get back inside as I feel like people are looking at me picking fault, like HER THIGHS ARE SO BIG or HEER BUM is MASSIVE or SHE'S SO UGLY! If I was dressed up I always used to feel quite good about myself but it's all since I had my Son.
If anyone has a really great job I feel totally not fit to bother with them too and have always found it hard to talk to people in authority like bosses and stuff.
I even feel tongue tied infront of my Sister in law as she is a teacher and I feel unimportant being a stay at home Mum, like I have nothing interesting to say, so when we finish discussing kids, I get totally uncomfortable in her company plus sh eis very self assured! The thing is She's dead nice too but I just feel beneath her and that My in laws feel she's the perfect Daughter in law and I'm just the other one!

 

[LittleMissScareAll]

I think alot of people I've known, are worse than me(personality wise--alot of people have sucky personalities--and so do I now, but I blame it on other people for being so cruel to me). But they think just the opposite--everybody else thinks they're too good for me.

And I'm the same way MrsP...I hate looking at other people because it makes me so jealous. It makes me want to steal their bodies and give them my fat ugly body & face(and brain) so the little "perfect people" can see what it's like to be me.

 

[smiley]

thought id reply to this as im also comfortable when the other person with me is less socially confident. what a horrible way to think. its so selfish. i feel like a bully. but if their confident or socially accepted by work friends i cant think of anything to say to them.. i find myself listening to work friends conversations to know what they talk about. it is always normal obvious things that i would be thinking. but if i try to keep a conversation going... after a few sentences it always runs out. i feel other people think im boring or useless.

 

[sheree]

I compare myself alot to my 16 year old cousin who is very very confident and has got herself a job ect, just typeing this now makes me feel ashamed .

 

[racheH]

if the person is more confident than me then i feel small and less confident but if i see someone is less socialy confident than me then i feel better as if i have the upper hand, i know that sounds a nasty thing to say but its just the way it makes me feel.

im also comfortable when the other person with me is less socially confident. what a horrible way to think. its so selfish. i feel like a bully.

No no no (don't know why I'm saying everything in threes today) I don't think you're bullies at all! I used to feel this way. And here's why I think it is:

We fear disapproval. This causes us to either analyse every thing we do which we think might bring disapproval upon ourselves, or analyse everything other people do for signs of disapproval, or both. This can render us unable to hold a conversation and give off social signals which we would otherwise, and we tend to appear scared stiff or even snobbishly ignorant. When we read these signs in other people, we believe that they must be feeling the same way we do. We know that if they are feeling the way we do, all they care about is how we feel about them, which for one thing makes us realise that someone sees us worthy to be feared as everyone else, and therefore as equal to everyone else; and for another thing makes us conclude that they are probably too concerned about us judging them, to be judging us. Therefore anticipation anxiety is reduced because we feel that they are very unlikely to feel the kind of disapproval towards us which gives us 'that feeling'.

The good news:
This gives you the opportunity to experience how easy communication is for people without your level of social phobia. If you are ever completely convinced that someone isn't going to judge you, then you'll experience what it is to have no social phobia at all. Being there myself, I think one taste of this will be a HUGE motivator to cure it for good. Plus, perfect opportunity for practising social skills, which may be slightly lacking if you've had social phobia very long-term.

Bad news:
Imagine how you'd feel if someone whom you suspected was socially phobic displayed anxiety around everyone except for you. It could confirm in your mind that you are indeed seen as inferior, not even worth a social phobe's concern. There may be ways around this problem. Bear it in mind when dealing with such people. Perhaps explain to them that you have a phobia of disapproval, and that the reason you seem comfortable around them is that you don't get negative vibes from them. This is a compliment and may be a great boost to their confidence: someone is saying they prefer their company to all the confident people's!

 

[paul]

im also comfortable when the other person with me is less socially confident. what a horrible way to think. its so selfish. i feel like a bully.

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

I always consider my self at the bottom of the scale - like I'm the "lowest." People who are also "low" I feel more comfortable with, people who are "high" I feel very very uncomfortable with.

I think racheH gave some great advice though ... nothing really I can add!

 

[Primus]

Is any of this real?

 

[skins]

I agree with everything you guys are saying… If I feel ‘better’ then someone in anyway, be it looks, personality, confindence or whatever the social phobia completely goes away and I can be myself around that person. E.g I was really quite nervous around a work colleague because I thought they were heaps better then me, but they persisted in getting to know me well and being really friendly around me, anyway after getting to know this person well and after speaking with them a lot I noticed all their ‘flaws’ and that they wern’t so perfect after all. Well as soon as I realised this my condifence around them kept improving until now I’m completely myself around them and feel totally at ease. But then like with most ppl the longer I know some1 the better I am around them. Back to the poll though… It depends on how you define ‘better’ then I guess....because for me confidence and life experience wise I’d say most ppl are better then me, looks id say I’m average, however personality wise, I won’t exactly say I’m better then most people, its just that a lot of ppl I meet seem to be so shallow as to what they think about and discuss with friends etc, I don’t know if its the sp or not because I hear a lot of ppl on this forum say the same thing, but the amount of boring shit and mindless rubbish people choose to converse with each other is just beyond me (not to mention they actually seem to enjoy it) I find myself having to lower myself to get me thinking on their level….a lot (not every1) seems to be so shallow and what I call ‘surface dwellers’ always on pursuit of the most frivolous enjoyment they can get out of life….atleast I like to think about things on a more deeper level then most. ..and would like to think I’m better then them in that respect atleast. Good day

 

[black_mamba]

... but the amount of boring shit and mindless rubbish people choose to converse with each other is just beyond me (not to mention they actually seem to enjoy it) I find myself having to lower myself to get me thinking on their level….a lot (not every1) seems to be so shallow and what I call ‘surface dwellers’ always on pursuit of the most frivolous enjoyment they can get out of life….atleast I like to think about things on a more deeper level then most. ..and would like to think I’m better then them in that respect atleast. Good day

This is seriously embarrassing for me (thankgod you can't see my face) but I actually have this arrogance about me which I've developed in recent years.

Like the above comment, when I hear other people's conversations I start rolling my eyes and switch off. It is indeed very inane but, I know that small talk can be useful and mildly fun, yet I still see it as below me.

I've very recently taken a conscious decision to stop dumbing down what I say for other people and for my partner. This doesn't neccessarily mean I'm more intelligent now, but I feel its better than people talk about pop music all day long.

This new-found arrogance actually helps me in overcoming my SP, I feel better than someone and therefore relax ...

I agree with everything you guys are saying… If I feel ‘better’ then someone in anyway, be it looks, personality, confindence or whatever the social phobia completely goes away and I can be myself around that person.

..but it's all in the head for me. I know for a fact that there is no human hierarchy and that I'm pretty bog-standard average when it comes to most things, a few things I am good at and a few things I completely balls up, and I am very aware of my weaknesses and strengths.

I'm not better by any means, but thinking that I am helps me feel more relaxed.

*goes to hit the 'honesty kill switch'*

 

[racheH]

I agree with everything you guys are saying… If I feel ‘better’ then someone in anyway, be it looks, personality, confindence or whatever the social phobia completely goes away and I can be myself around that person.

This made me think. While I stand by my theory on this issue, it makes sense that all of our phobias are a little different. Arachnophobics disagree on whether it is the legs of a spider or their hair or their bodies which are horrifying. While some people may have learnt to fear disapproval from absolutely anyone, it's more probable that someone would come to associate judgement from people 'better' than themselves with negative feelings. Just think about how it might happen...

I percieved signals from my mum that she was afraid of strangers, friends, my dad and my grandparents judging us. She didn't care if my sister disapproved of me, hence I never got a phobia about her. Looking back, the more superior the person, the stronger the signal. This explains why at school my fear of the teacher always over-rode the fear of other students thinking me a 'teacher's pet'.

I also got seperate messages that I was less competent than everyone else, mainly through being over-protected and molly-coddled somewhat. My subconscious conclusion must have been that while people 'better' than myself were the ones to fear, everyone was better than me anyway, so everyone warranted a certain amount of fear.
Hmmm, it was more complicated than I'd thought...

 

[dave81]

I think I judge everyone else as being better than me because I never get to know a person well enough to think otherwise. I don't have any friends now except the people I work with but even when I did I still thought they were better than me, maybe this kind of thinking just adds to feeling unhappy. I think I think like this because my life seems so boring compared to others, I hardly go out because I have no one to go out with, because of this I don't look forward to weekends and would rather be at work, that just makes me sound boring. Does anybody else get really bored and not look forward to weekends?

 

[redlady]

Scottish_Player wrote:

Hiya Nick,there is none of the options i could really fit myself into exactly as it depends on the individual person. For example if the person is more confident than me then i feel small and less confident but if i see someone is less socialy confident than me then i feel better as if i have the upper hand, i know that sounds a nasty thing to say but its just the way it makes me feel. If the person is less confident than me then i feel i can relax more around them

Me too! Nasty? no, i mean we don't treat the less confident person less than they deserve to be treated. It's just that with them our insecurities are not as virulent as they are with someone who we perceive as being "better" than us.

I switch off to inane chitchat myself, i just can't get into it - i have no desire whatsoever to contribute anything - it frustrates me sometimes because it further limits my interaction with people - but there is this block / blankness that wont let me. I don't know if it is a disinterest in it or that my mind wont let me because it does'nt want to interact with people. Ouch stop thinking.