Jaded_Dreamer
New member
I was just recently diagnosed with APD, and I thought that being able to pinpoint the problem would help it go away... If anything, it just made my problem worse. Before a few weeks ago, I just thought I was shy, or even the type of person that most people didn't like.
It's my Sophomore year at college and I've only been to ONE party the entire time, and it was at the beginning of last year. It's not that I haven't been invited or anything, but I'm so terrified of making a fool of myself and interracting with other people that I just don't go. But if I don't get an invite I'm insulted because I'm afraid that the people who didn't invite me did so because they don't like me.
Last year I managed to have a pretty close-knit group of friends... This year because of details that would take pages to explain, I'm not as close to those friends as I used to be. I've been vainly trying to fix it since the beginning of this semester, but I'm still constantly excluded from things. I know it's easy to say "well, why don't you make new friends?" but as I'm sure you all understand, it's so much more difficult for people with APD to make friends than everyone else. I'm constantly afraid that if I hang around with someone too much I'm "clingy", but then I just end up ignoring them because I'm afraid they don't like me and I look like a stuck-up snob.
I'm seeing one of the campus psychologists for my problem, but I'm afraid she thinks my problem is trivial at best. I mean it's not like I'm about to commit suicide or anything, so why should I even be talking to her. But the fact is that I'm almost 20 years old and I've been dealing with this since probably middle school. I want to get involved in clubs and organizations, but I'm just so afraid the groups won't accept me that I go to a meeting or two and drop it.
Sorry I'm jumping around subjects so much... I'm writing this as it comes to me. I'm also afraid that after I post this the people on this board won't like me, and I'm not even talking to you in real life!
I hardly talk to anyone in my classes as well, and God forbid the professor asks us to get into groups; I've literally not shown up on group work days because let's face it: who would want to work with me? I know by what I've written it sounds like I have a low self-worth, but strangely that's not true at all. I do think I'm as good as everyone else, but I think the way people perceive me is different. I think that everyone sees themselves as being better than me, and are just repulsed by my personality. Maybe it's because so many people today are narcissistic?
Right now I think my APD is worse than ever. The therapist I see is swamped, so I can only see her once every two weeks, which I don't think is enough. I can't see anyone else because my school is in a small town. If I ask one of my so-called friends to drive me somewhere else, they'll know I have a problem. My biggest fear is being labeled as someone who is mentally ill. But I need to do something more because I cry every day over this. I know exactly what's wrong with me and I just can't overcome it. I just want to go home so badly because I feel like if I were at home it would be easier to fix and I'd be away from the people who make me feel so anxious.
It's my Sophomore year at college and I've only been to ONE party the entire time, and it was at the beginning of last year. It's not that I haven't been invited or anything, but I'm so terrified of making a fool of myself and interracting with other people that I just don't go. But if I don't get an invite I'm insulted because I'm afraid that the people who didn't invite me did so because they don't like me.
Last year I managed to have a pretty close-knit group of friends... This year because of details that would take pages to explain, I'm not as close to those friends as I used to be. I've been vainly trying to fix it since the beginning of this semester, but I'm still constantly excluded from things. I know it's easy to say "well, why don't you make new friends?" but as I'm sure you all understand, it's so much more difficult for people with APD to make friends than everyone else. I'm constantly afraid that if I hang around with someone too much I'm "clingy", but then I just end up ignoring them because I'm afraid they don't like me and I look like a stuck-up snob.
I'm seeing one of the campus psychologists for my problem, but I'm afraid she thinks my problem is trivial at best. I mean it's not like I'm about to commit suicide or anything, so why should I even be talking to her. But the fact is that I'm almost 20 years old and I've been dealing with this since probably middle school. I want to get involved in clubs and organizations, but I'm just so afraid the groups won't accept me that I go to a meeting or two and drop it.
Sorry I'm jumping around subjects so much... I'm writing this as it comes to me. I'm also afraid that after I post this the people on this board won't like me, and I'm not even talking to you in real life!
I hardly talk to anyone in my classes as well, and God forbid the professor asks us to get into groups; I've literally not shown up on group work days because let's face it: who would want to work with me? I know by what I've written it sounds like I have a low self-worth, but strangely that's not true at all. I do think I'm as good as everyone else, but I think the way people perceive me is different. I think that everyone sees themselves as being better than me, and are just repulsed by my personality. Maybe it's because so many people today are narcissistic?
Right now I think my APD is worse than ever. The therapist I see is swamped, so I can only see her once every two weeks, which I don't think is enough. I can't see anyone else because my school is in a small town. If I ask one of my so-called friends to drive me somewhere else, they'll know I have a problem. My biggest fear is being labeled as someone who is mentally ill. But I need to do something more because I cry every day over this. I know exactly what's wrong with me and I just can't overcome it. I just want to go home so badly because I feel like if I were at home it would be easier to fix and I'd be away from the people who make me feel so anxious.