Starry
Well-known member
I'm not really sure how to word this, or even which forum to post it in. :?
When I develop friendships with people (Online, I haven't had any offline friends since I was 13) I tend to become really dependent upon them talking to me. I feel rejected and alone if I can't speak to them every day, or at the very least every other day. I become very clingy and I'm always scared that if they see me as clingy I'll scare them, push them away and they'll stop talking to me. After all, it's so easy to just stop talking to someone online. But I develop proper friendships, I'm closer to my two online friends (I only call a person a friend if I feel close to them, I don't class people I just talk to as friends) than almost anyone else in real life.
But I'm always terrified that they'll get bored with me, that they'll stop talking to me and that I'll be left alone again. Losing my online friends would be awful. I actually cry and feel miserable if I know I won't be able to speak to them for a day or two.
I’ve been thinking about why I get so clingy and scared of people drifting away and leaving me. I think it comes from when I was a child. My mum suffered from depression, so any time I was naughty or argued with my sister she’d threaten to kill herself, to leave and never come back, or to “throw herself in the canal.” This always terrified me. Well, she was my only parent, I’d already lost my father when I was a baby. (He died from a heart attack)
I’d run and hide the knives, or I’d lock all the doors and hide the keys. I once nearly cut my hand trying to get a knife away from her when I was 8 or 9: She was holding it to her wrist and I was so scared and so upset, I just didn’t care if I hurt myself. She eventually threw the knife on the floor and I picked it up and hid it.
The times when she went out of the door before I could lock it, or if she got the key off of me, I’d run after her and try to pull her back into the house. But she’d carry on, leaving me to run back into the house to stare out of the window, crying and hoping that she’d come back. When she did, an hour or so later, I’d run and hug her as hard as possible, in floods of tears, begging forgiveness. This sometimes made her leave again for another hour or so. Other times she’d just push me away and ignore me.
Thinking back to that, it’s hardly surprising I have issues with clinginess and people leaving me/drifting away, is it? *Sigh* I’m such a psychological mess.
I was just wondering if anyone else felt a similar way?
Or had any advice on how I could control my irrational fear of being left?
Though to be honest, it doesn't seem so irational, every friend I've ever had has left me in the end. Now I have no one except my two online friends. And I really, honestly feel that I need them much more than they need me. I've never felt needed by anyone.
So, anyone else clingy? Anyone else scared of pushing people away because of it? Anyone else scared of being left alone? Any advice?
When I develop friendships with people (Online, I haven't had any offline friends since I was 13) I tend to become really dependent upon them talking to me. I feel rejected and alone if I can't speak to them every day, or at the very least every other day. I become very clingy and I'm always scared that if they see me as clingy I'll scare them, push them away and they'll stop talking to me. After all, it's so easy to just stop talking to someone online. But I develop proper friendships, I'm closer to my two online friends (I only call a person a friend if I feel close to them, I don't class people I just talk to as friends) than almost anyone else in real life.
But I'm always terrified that they'll get bored with me, that they'll stop talking to me and that I'll be left alone again. Losing my online friends would be awful. I actually cry and feel miserable if I know I won't be able to speak to them for a day or two.
I’ve been thinking about why I get so clingy and scared of people drifting away and leaving me. I think it comes from when I was a child. My mum suffered from depression, so any time I was naughty or argued with my sister she’d threaten to kill herself, to leave and never come back, or to “throw herself in the canal.” This always terrified me. Well, she was my only parent, I’d already lost my father when I was a baby. (He died from a heart attack)
I’d run and hide the knives, or I’d lock all the doors and hide the keys. I once nearly cut my hand trying to get a knife away from her when I was 8 or 9: She was holding it to her wrist and I was so scared and so upset, I just didn’t care if I hurt myself. She eventually threw the knife on the floor and I picked it up and hid it.
The times when she went out of the door before I could lock it, or if she got the key off of me, I’d run after her and try to pull her back into the house. But she’d carry on, leaving me to run back into the house to stare out of the window, crying and hoping that she’d come back. When she did, an hour or so later, I’d run and hug her as hard as possible, in floods of tears, begging forgiveness. This sometimes made her leave again for another hour or so. Other times she’d just push me away and ignore me.
Thinking back to that, it’s hardly surprising I have issues with clinginess and people leaving me/drifting away, is it? *Sigh* I’m such a psychological mess.
I was just wondering if anyone else felt a similar way?
Or had any advice on how I could control my irrational fear of being left?
Though to be honest, it doesn't seem so irational, every friend I've ever had has left me in the end. Now I have no one except my two online friends. And I really, honestly feel that I need them much more than they need me. I've never felt needed by anyone.
So, anyone else clingy? Anyone else scared of pushing people away because of it? Anyone else scared of being left alone? Any advice?
You must have been terrified as a little girl watching your Mum walk out of the door, not knowing if she was coming back or not.