Just realized your social anxiety and shyness of others is really interfering with your life and you don't know what to do ? No worries. There is an enormous amount of things you can do. The best place to start is to do some cbt. Just for those who don't know what cbt is or how it works, it simply works by finding out what thoughts make you anxious and then challenging the accuracy of those thoughts first through suggesting more healthier and helpful thoughts and then testing out the new thoughts in the real world. This is the cbt method I used.
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THOUGHT / FEELING / BEHAVIOUR / ENVIRONEMENT / BODILY REACTIONS
The very first thing you need to know is how thought, feeling, behaviour, environment, and bodily reactions are connected. Take this example. Let's say you have just finished school and now have no friends to interact with (environment). This leads you to think "I'm just a loner" (thought) and this thought leads you to feel ashamed and anxious around others (feeling). So you react to this feeling by avoiding situations (behaviour) where this information could be revealed of having no friends. You just sit around at home feeling tired and lacking energy (bodily reactions) and you begin feeling depressed (feeling) over how nothing ever changes. But a change in one area can lead to a change in the other. If you thought it was only logical to lose your friends simply because nobody ever exchanged address or phone number then perhaps the thought would change and the feelings of shame and anxiety would disipate. Then you could begin to engage in situations without fear of being found out. This could then allow friendships to form. The feelings of lacking energy would disappear since you would have people to hang around with which meant getting more out of the house. Simple, heh ?
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COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS
Alright the first place we are going to start is by learning cognitive distortions. These distortions warp our conclusions about people and the world around us. They help make us depressed, socially anxious and shy.
a. Fortune Telling: you predict failure or some kind of negative outcome in a situation yet to happen.
You think others will get angry or ignore you, but this is predicting the future. How can you possibly know how another person will react ? So go and test it
out to see if it will happen, but don't conclude that it will always happen if it does occur.
b. Catastrophic thinking/Magnification: Blowig out of proportion or magnifying the impact of a negative event, negative outcome or negative situation. In
addition, you may also magnify the importance of an event, outcome or situation, the qualities of another person or your own negative qualities.
You think if she rejects you you are a total loser. You are blowing outof proportion the impact of her rejection. You may feel rejected in the moment but it doesn't make you a loser in general...You think rejection means never-ending disapproval and that you cannot show your face around the person again. Does gaining that person's approval mean your King Pimp ? Does losing approval mean your Vile Slime. You are magnifying the importance of gaining or losing approval...You see the pretty members of the opposite sex as angelic and mysterious. This is magification of another person's qualities. Why are they so much better than anyone else or even yourself ? Do they dress you and feed you and put a roof over your head ? Do they pick you up when you are down. do they pat you on the back whenever you do something right ? Hell, they don't even talk to you.
c. Emotional Reasoning: Using the way you feel at the time as evidence for how things are in reality. Because you feel a certain way you conclude that things must be true or that something terrible will happen.
You FEEL like you will be rejected therefore you really think it will happen. There is no basis for this fear other than the feeling. Dump the feeling and try a different one, such as the feeling you might very well be accepted...you feel worthless because you were criticized and so you believe you are...you feel anxious before an upcoming event and this anxiety convinces you that something terrible will indeed happen...you FEEL weird and that everyone else is normal because they are not shy. But feelings are not reality, they exist inside of you, that's all. Talk back to them and challenge them, but don't give in to them.
d. Mind Reading/Projection: thinking others know what you are thinking or feeling or believing you know what others are thinking or feeling about something. Making negative assumptions about the thoughts, intentions, or motives of others which are more often than not "projections" of your own thoughts and feelings about the situation.
You lose your words or become nervous and blush when someone cute is talking to you. You then think they think you are a loser who can't communicate properly.
e. Labeling: refering to yourself or others in a negative way and often for minor or simplistic reasons which shapes the way you see yourself or others.
You lose your words and then tell yourself your an idiot and this makes you feel like an idiot. Big deal, so you lost your words, like your the only one that ever happens to.
f. Over-Generalizing: because of one negative event or situation or outcome, you assume it will happen all the time or in all other situations.
You think if you get rejected by someone, other people will start doing the same. This makes one slip up seem very threatening and risky. If you lose one approval you conclude you will lose all approval.
g. Personalisation: treating a negative event as a reflection or confirmation or your own defectiveness or unlikability or worthlessness.
You take rejection personally as if it's an attack on you or done deliberately to hurt you. If you have an underlying belief that your unwanted, then rejection will confirm that for you and you may think "I knew it! Nobody wants me".
h. Negative Focus/Mental Filter: Focussing mainly on negative events, aspects or implications of a situation or outcome or person or yourself, while ignoring or minimizing or discounting the more neutral and/or positive aspects. This may become a mental filter where your feelings colour everything you see.
When someone is talking to you all you can think about how how stupid you must look to them. But you are ignoring the fact that they are talking to you. You want to go over and join some people but all you can think about is what will go wrong and give no thought to what could go right. The mental filter makes you see everything in a negative way. This especially occurs when your self-esteem is running low or are anxious or angry.
i. Blame: Blaming yourself for something that wasn't entirely your fault or something that was out of your control. Or blaming others for something that wasn't entirely their fault or over looking the part you played in the thing that went wrong.
When you feel shy and it messess up a conversation for you, you beat yourself up as if it was your own fault for being shy. Remember temperament and mistreatment...You are sitting in a bar and no one talks to you and you feel angry for this thinking someone should have at least said something to you. But what about yourself ? Couldn't you have said something to them ? It could be that other people are too afraid to take a risk with you.
j. Black and White thinking: things are seen as either one way or another, with no shades of grey in between.
You think you must succeed with no room for failure. You must succeed at gaining approval of others and can't afford making any kind of mistake. One slip up means total and ever-lasting rejection. This places enormous pressure on yourself to perform...You feel there is a right way to talk to people and a wrong way. But you don't know the right way and so become self-conscious and think you are making a fool of yourself.
k. Extremist Thoughts. You apply extreme words to situations like "always", "never", "totally", "nobody".
You say you NEVER have anything to say...girls ALWAYS like confidence...NOBODY like shyness.
l. Pressurizing Thoughts: You harrass and place demands on yourself or others with statements like "should", "must" and "ought".
You think you MUST be more talkative around others, as if it's a standard to live up to...you feel you MUST be funny in front of others to gain their approval otherwise they'll never like you...you think others SHOULD always be nice to you. Enitlement will make you sensitive to rejection and prone to being humiliated, not just toxic shame.
Alot of these distortions overlap with one another but they all screw us up when we're around people or want to do things when others might see. Try to learn them off by heart. I'll bet you'll find a few favourites.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
THOUGHT / FEELING / BEHAVIOUR / ENVIRONEMENT / BODILY REACTIONS
The very first thing you need to know is how thought, feeling, behaviour, environment, and bodily reactions are connected. Take this example. Let's say you have just finished school and now have no friends to interact with (environment). This leads you to think "I'm just a loner" (thought) and this thought leads you to feel ashamed and anxious around others (feeling). So you react to this feeling by avoiding situations (behaviour) where this information could be revealed of having no friends. You just sit around at home feeling tired and lacking energy (bodily reactions) and you begin feeling depressed (feeling) over how nothing ever changes. But a change in one area can lead to a change in the other. If you thought it was only logical to lose your friends simply because nobody ever exchanged address or phone number then perhaps the thought would change and the feelings of shame and anxiety would disipate. Then you could begin to engage in situations without fear of being found out. This could then allow friendships to form. The feelings of lacking energy would disappear since you would have people to hang around with which meant getting more out of the house. Simple, heh ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS
Alright the first place we are going to start is by learning cognitive distortions. These distortions warp our conclusions about people and the world around us. They help make us depressed, socially anxious and shy.
a. Fortune Telling: you predict failure or some kind of negative outcome in a situation yet to happen.
You think others will get angry or ignore you, but this is predicting the future. How can you possibly know how another person will react ? So go and test it
out to see if it will happen, but don't conclude that it will always happen if it does occur.
b. Catastrophic thinking/Magnification: Blowig out of proportion or magnifying the impact of a negative event, negative outcome or negative situation. In
addition, you may also magnify the importance of an event, outcome or situation, the qualities of another person or your own negative qualities.
You think if she rejects you you are a total loser. You are blowing outof proportion the impact of her rejection. You may feel rejected in the moment but it doesn't make you a loser in general...You think rejection means never-ending disapproval and that you cannot show your face around the person again. Does gaining that person's approval mean your King Pimp ? Does losing approval mean your Vile Slime. You are magnifying the importance of gaining or losing approval...You see the pretty members of the opposite sex as angelic and mysterious. This is magification of another person's qualities. Why are they so much better than anyone else or even yourself ? Do they dress you and feed you and put a roof over your head ? Do they pick you up when you are down. do they pat you on the back whenever you do something right ? Hell, they don't even talk to you.
c. Emotional Reasoning: Using the way you feel at the time as evidence for how things are in reality. Because you feel a certain way you conclude that things must be true or that something terrible will happen.
You FEEL like you will be rejected therefore you really think it will happen. There is no basis for this fear other than the feeling. Dump the feeling and try a different one, such as the feeling you might very well be accepted...you feel worthless because you were criticized and so you believe you are...you feel anxious before an upcoming event and this anxiety convinces you that something terrible will indeed happen...you FEEL weird and that everyone else is normal because they are not shy. But feelings are not reality, they exist inside of you, that's all. Talk back to them and challenge them, but don't give in to them.
d. Mind Reading/Projection: thinking others know what you are thinking or feeling or believing you know what others are thinking or feeling about something. Making negative assumptions about the thoughts, intentions, or motives of others which are more often than not "projections" of your own thoughts and feelings about the situation.
You lose your words or become nervous and blush when someone cute is talking to you. You then think they think you are a loser who can't communicate properly.
e. Labeling: refering to yourself or others in a negative way and often for minor or simplistic reasons which shapes the way you see yourself or others.
You lose your words and then tell yourself your an idiot and this makes you feel like an idiot. Big deal, so you lost your words, like your the only one that ever happens to.
f. Over-Generalizing: because of one negative event or situation or outcome, you assume it will happen all the time or in all other situations.
You think if you get rejected by someone, other people will start doing the same. This makes one slip up seem very threatening and risky. If you lose one approval you conclude you will lose all approval.
g. Personalisation: treating a negative event as a reflection or confirmation or your own defectiveness or unlikability or worthlessness.
You take rejection personally as if it's an attack on you or done deliberately to hurt you. If you have an underlying belief that your unwanted, then rejection will confirm that for you and you may think "I knew it! Nobody wants me".
h. Negative Focus/Mental Filter: Focussing mainly on negative events, aspects or implications of a situation or outcome or person or yourself, while ignoring or minimizing or discounting the more neutral and/or positive aspects. This may become a mental filter where your feelings colour everything you see.
When someone is talking to you all you can think about how how stupid you must look to them. But you are ignoring the fact that they are talking to you. You want to go over and join some people but all you can think about is what will go wrong and give no thought to what could go right. The mental filter makes you see everything in a negative way. This especially occurs when your self-esteem is running low or are anxious or angry.
i. Blame: Blaming yourself for something that wasn't entirely your fault or something that was out of your control. Or blaming others for something that wasn't entirely their fault or over looking the part you played in the thing that went wrong.
When you feel shy and it messess up a conversation for you, you beat yourself up as if it was your own fault for being shy. Remember temperament and mistreatment...You are sitting in a bar and no one talks to you and you feel angry for this thinking someone should have at least said something to you. But what about yourself ? Couldn't you have said something to them ? It could be that other people are too afraid to take a risk with you.
j. Black and White thinking: things are seen as either one way or another, with no shades of grey in between.
You think you must succeed with no room for failure. You must succeed at gaining approval of others and can't afford making any kind of mistake. One slip up means total and ever-lasting rejection. This places enormous pressure on yourself to perform...You feel there is a right way to talk to people and a wrong way. But you don't know the right way and so become self-conscious and think you are making a fool of yourself.
k. Extremist Thoughts. You apply extreme words to situations like "always", "never", "totally", "nobody".
You say you NEVER have anything to say...girls ALWAYS like confidence...NOBODY like shyness.
l. Pressurizing Thoughts: You harrass and place demands on yourself or others with statements like "should", "must" and "ought".
You think you MUST be more talkative around others, as if it's a standard to live up to...you feel you MUST be funny in front of others to gain their approval otherwise they'll never like you...you think others SHOULD always be nice to you. Enitlement will make you sensitive to rejection and prone to being humiliated, not just toxic shame.
Alot of these distortions overlap with one another but they all screw us up when we're around people or want to do things when others might see. Try to learn them off by heart. I'll bet you'll find a few favourites.
