Can't talk, so i isolate myself

[Satyr]

Hi. I'm twenty six years old, & just found this site through a Google search. I don't get what my deal is. Around people I get so quiet it's like I'm unable to talk really. When I do talk I'm clearly quieter as far as volume is concerned. I can remember saying whatever I thought or felt & not caring, I would just have fun but anymore I'll participate physically in social interactions & laugh at the 'appropriate times' as if that will make up for not really saying anything save for a few comments on occasion where I target out one person who makes eye contacts s if they're speaking to me. The interactions don't last because I feel so awkward. I'm sure my eyes don't stay focused on them because I'm nervous. At some point bot long into hanging out I always take my leave.

The thing is I really want to engage in these conversations, & don't want to isolate myself. But I draw a blank when ever I'm in those situations & don't want to appear stupid. I was seeing a counselor sliding scale for a while, working on my anger & depression, but I'm certain a lot of that has to do with not being able to socialize it seems. I used to go into a chat room for years & I really opened up there, even if we weren't really ever that serious on the microphone. But everyone loved me anyway. One day I moved out of my parents house, a little over two years ago & living with my roommate now I've not really went in there for an extended period. Now even on the net I censor & isolate myself.

I'd say that I 1st really started to isolate when I came out, or when I was 'outted' in middle school. One night my mom called family up all upset because she was drinking & went through the normal stages of freaking out that her son was gay. She & I are great now & she's a great mom, don't get me wrong. It happens. But after that I totally isolated from family, stopped going to events & would go in my room when anyone came over. I was a teenager then. So that's probably where it started. I used to have a lot more to say it seemed, but the more I'm isolated, I think the more difficult it is, has been & will be to communicate freely without being inhibited because I don't have anything to talk about.

 

[Satyr]

P.S.

I hope It's not rude that I just up & posted my 'crap' as my into... not sure what else I would have put? & any input is cool. I realized just now that I might have put off some responses to anyone afraid of gay people. I'm not sure if that classifies as a social phobia – homophobia. Speaking of! If it is indeed a social phobia then maybe some of you are out there...

If you're homophobic, what is it that triggers it/ why are you, is it every gay/bi/les person.... or only the really loud ones that affect you? Just curious. Hope this isn't out of place, i'd consider it a social phobia..

 

[Rodney]

I realized just now that I might have put off some responses to anyone afraid of gay people. I'm not sure if that classifies as a social phobia – homophobia

I don't think homophobia exists... what I do think exists are ignorant people... In a way really loud outspoken/openly talk about their sexuality, gay people do tend to make me uncomfortable/anxious, but the same could be said about those really loud outspoken/openly talk about their sexuality straight people who make me feel just as uncomfortable/anxious as the gay ones do sooooo yeah.

Anyways welcome to the forum.

 

[Satyr]

Thanks for the welcome. Yea outspoken people can tend to make me feel awkward too but the subject doesn't really matter so much as the outspokenness. Thoough I have had friends who were fairly outspoken, but it was smaller groups/usually one on one/2 on one. It's evil though that I can't even seem to open up o people I used to hang out on the rare occasion they visit once or twice a year (I live farther away now than I did when growing up by about an hour).

 

[danstelter]

So, your mom thought you were gay, but now you guys are all right? I would take a further look into this. Are you gay now, or were you ever, or was she just freaking out because she's a mom?

It would sound like a pretty typical reaction for someone to ignore family, not knowing whether they were thinking if that person were gay or not. Your mom really should not have called up family and discussed that without you and her discussing it first and then having public discussion about it.

I don't know this exactly, but you might be very distrustful of people and that would explain your withdrawal and isolation after that event. Why should you talk to people if they are going to go behind your back and share your secrets? If you are okay with your mom now, then it's up to you to teach yourself (or while working with your counsellor) that people exist who will not spread your private information. Of course, you have to be selective and careful about whom you tell what as some people will do that, but many people exist who do not do that.

It is an unfortunate experience, and it really harmed your social development. If you want to make conversation, take up a new hobby or interest, spend time on it, and talk and hang out with people who enjoy it as well. That's a simple way to put it, but if you do that, eventually you'll find a good group of friends that you enjoy.

Hang in there and ask more questions if you need help.

 

[Weirdo]

I don't think you will find any homophobes in here, we're a friendly bunch

 

[theblank]

I have no mouth and I must scream. That's the title of a book I once saw. I never read it, but I thought the picture on the cover looked cool and that's how I feel sometimes. I mean, I have a mouth of course, but I have trouble speaking and the words don't always come out right so I just keep it shut most of the time. It's so frustrating. I have things I want to say and express, but since it's not easy for me they just get stuck inside. The tension builds up to the point that every now and then I just erupt in one way or the other. Plus I isolate myself and hardly talk to anybody. Nice, huh?

 

[Anubis]

That is a pretty harrowing experience with your family, but at the same time, it's important to take a step back and remember there are literally thousands of gay people out there who've gone through the same exact experience as you (some have parents who've completely disowned them), and are living quite happy lives now. There is power in numbers, so don't ever believe you're alone or you were given the short stick in life. Everyone has circumstances.

The reason why I kinda say to distance yourself from labeling this as a problem primarily rooted in homophobia is because your core social problems are common to ALL social phobes, regardless of sexual orientation.

"Around people I get so quiet it's like I'm unable to talk really."

"I'll participate physically in social interactions & laugh at the 'appropriate times' as if that will make up for not really saying anything"

"The interactions don't last because I feel so awkward. I'm sure my eyes don't stay focused on them because I'm nervous."

Are all problems I experience on a day-to-day basis. And they're very interesting problems, because we KNOW they're happening, yet the fact that we can never come up with a solution to these "obvious" problems frustrates the hell out of us (Again, main word: US, a huge number of us experience it). I can't exactly say why our minds "blank" when we're talking to people but I have some ideas. I think it has a lot to do with our "innate" desire to please others. We don't want to mutter anything out of our minds that can potentially cause others to attack us or see us in a negative light. But therein lies the problem. We can never KNOW what offends others because we can't read minds or see ourselves in third person (to verify that we look "cool") so our minds can't function. Our minds want to please, but we don't have the "tools" (of omniscience) to put our unrealistic demands into motion. So we blank because our main mode of communication (ensuring the pleasure of others) is not feasible. At this point, some of us desperately seek to leave our situations while others, desperately seek out "appropriate" times to laugh to curry the favor of others. But even that is painful to do because we're not truly sure if we REALLY are currying the favors of others. It's like being in the dark and it's an uncomfortable situation.

Is there a solution? Besides the obvious "Don't care about what others think"? I'm not sure, but if I ever find a deep solution that speaks to the essence of the problem, I'll let everyone know.

But yea, that's just my theory. And as you can tell, I've been giving it a lot of thought. Hopefully you at least get some comfort in knowing there's someone out there who's wrestling with the same problem. Just keep trudging through life is all I can say.

 

[Satyr]

Thanks for all the replies! I wasn't sure I'd get many responses heh.

Dan Stelter: Basically my mom just had a hard time when I came out as gay & that caused her to freak out during those times. Over the years she's come to accept me full on & I couldn't be luckier in that respect. My family all wants to see me too they say on rare occasions where I'll interact with one or more of them via the phone like recent times when I was hoping to start a family gathering which hasn't happened yet but soon perhaps.

Thanks for the hobby advice. I'm actually planning & hoping to do a youtube show with a friend of mine who lives in the Netherlands – I'm in the USA. In theory, I've wondered if forcing myself into that sort of situation would open me up, and it sounds fun, if I'd actually record myself I'll let you know how the hobbies go.


The Blank: I feel ya! We just have to keep hanging in there & I'm hopeful in time we'll figure out the answers. crosses fingers


Anubis: (cool Deity by the way) . You make a good point in not labeling homophobia as the issue as it happens around gay people to heh. Though with family, I was afraid of what they thought about the whole gay issue. Lately it does seem to be something else, or a mixture of both.

It is nice to know that other people go through it. And I think you're right about the not wanting to be seen in a bad light. Rather I want to seem interesting or awesome. I guess I've been trying to capture the times in which I felt awesome & display that outwards because when you 'feel' awesome you ' are' awesome. Or at least you feel so awesome the possibility that others don't agree either doesn't matter or is not even noticed.

It'll be a journey that's for sure. I've spent two years feeling not so great with little to no breaks thrown into the mix, to where before it seemed I had moments of something better.

Weirdo: Good to know, & I'd agree you seem like a nice bunch of people.

Thanks again everyone for the input.