Can't go back to college

[Sable]

I'm supposed to be going back to college on monday to try to finish my second year (the one I dropped out of so spectacularly last time around). Just at this moment I'm wondering what the hell made me think I could handle it now? The more I think about it the more absoloutely impossible it seems for me to go back. There is no way on earth I can stand up in front of a classroom full of people and give a 10 minute presentation, any more than I could do it last year. And I know what to expect from classes this time; I know they go round everyone in the class one at a time and make them say 'a bit about themselves'.

"Hi, I'm Carrie. In my spare time I hide alone in my room, reading and using the internet..." before fading off into a strangled silence of nerves.

I can't do it! But what's the alternative? Yet again I'll be backing out of something because I'm too scared. I can't explain this all to my parents, they think I'm 'all better'. And they never really understood SA to begin with. In fact they treat it as some kind of taboo subject - I'd be just as well trying to strike up a conversation with them about lesbian sex over tea and biscuits.

And then I'll be unemployed, again. I have so many unexplainable holes in my CV and work history, it actually works against me. Short of lying and saying I was backpacking on and off for the last 6 years, there's no way of explaining it away without the truth - I'm a coward. A useless, introverted bag of nerves, and it would be a huge, huge mistake to employ me.

I'm back where I started. This whole last year may as well not even have happened.

 

[decadeOfSA]

I completely understand your situation. I dropped out of college my first time because of SA. I tried for years, but couldn't do it. I had to drop a lot or get F's, because I couldn't stay in class. My parents didn't understand it then either and they just pressured me. Well after about 6 years being out of school, I'm finally going back again and this time I can stay in class because of Xanax XR. I have been in school since last December, though only taking a couple of classes. Xanax XR helps tremendously. I'm trying 3 classes next term starting Tuesday. Have you tried any benzos or any drugs?

 

[Katjelique]

I'm in college right now, the last two semesters (the entire time I've been here) have been really really rough. I can't talk to professors or others in the class and now this semester I have to take on service work and lead discussions. For me what I do, is I roleplay. I go into the classroom, not as me and it makes it a bit better. I just pretend. I, myself, refuse to take any meds, so that was the best solution I came up with.

 

[Sable]

decadeOfSA - I was on escitalopram for 6 months, but they just made me too knackered to do anything. I had to fight a bloody battle every morning just to get out of bed, and couldn't make it through the day without a nap; which is ironic considering they kept me awake all night - I was on sleeping tablets the whole time. I don't trust meds after that, I want to try and do without them.

Katjelique - I actually tried that roleplaying thing last year! I went in for a practice talk in front of just the teacher and had it in my head to be like Jack Bauer from 24! They're all so confident on that show (plus Kiefer's lovely!). Anyway, it didn't work. I froze, it took me ages to say 'good morning'. The rest didn't happen and I left before I had to do the main presentation. I think I would die if I had to lead discussions. I hate that they make people do that. Not everyone is good at that sort of thing. I mean, if you don't do that presentation then you fail the unit; if you fail the unit then no degree. It sucks!!! :evil:

Anyway, I've decided not to go back. I talked it through with my parents and they were actually ok about it (which usually turns out to be the case, I should give them more credit I think). I'd rather get a job and start saving anyway, the last thing I need is another year's worth of student debt.