F
frogger124
Guest
I just find myself overthinking everything..like I would have a conversation with someone, and then say something, then later on I find myself wondering if i meant something else by what i said, then i wonder what i could have meant, then i wonder if it's true. finally, at the end, i usually end up convincing myself that that second meaning IS true, and that that is what i meant all along. even if that second meaning is something i would never want to be true because i would hope i could never be that mean, rude, or conniving.
and then i feel bad if i don't tell the person i was talking to what i "think" my second meaning was, and i tell him/her what the second meaning was as if it were true.
and then they feel awful because i told them, and i want to tell them that that isn't what i meant at all, but if i tell them that, then i might be lying, because i've overthought it SO MUCH that i have made myself think that it was true. and then i would feel bad if i lied. and if i keep it in, i feel bad for keeping it in.
so then they end up feeling bad over something that i doubt was even true to begin with. and i want it to be not true with all my heart. i don't even bother trying to explain, cuz thinking all my stupid thoughts through is too complicated and i know they wouldn't understand, or else they would just be too upset at what i said originally they don't want to hear any more from me. (it probably sounds false coming from me, if i tried to explain.) the person i'm talking about already knows i have ocd but i've always just avoided explaining in that much detail because i know ill think i was lying at some point..like..maybe i AM just saying this/blaming it on ocd because i dont want to admit that what i'm thinking is true.
i want to stop thinking like this, and just turn my brain off for once. i always try to tell myself that if i could just NOT think about it, then i can forget about it and it would all be good. but usually that just makes it worse because i overanalyze the fact that i'm trying to push it out of my mind.."those things i am saying must be true if they're bothering me that much that i'm trying to get rid of them."
it's a never-ending cycle. my head literally hurts from all that thinking sometimes.
and then i feel bad if i don't tell the person i was talking to what i "think" my second meaning was, and i tell him/her what the second meaning was as if it were true.
and then they feel awful because i told them, and i want to tell them that that isn't what i meant at all, but if i tell them that, then i might be lying, because i've overthought it SO MUCH that i have made myself think that it was true. and then i would feel bad if i lied. and if i keep it in, i feel bad for keeping it in.
so then they end up feeling bad over something that i doubt was even true to begin with. and i want it to be not true with all my heart. i don't even bother trying to explain, cuz thinking all my stupid thoughts through is too complicated and i know they wouldn't understand, or else they would just be too upset at what i said originally they don't want to hear any more from me. (it probably sounds false coming from me, if i tried to explain.) the person i'm talking about already knows i have ocd but i've always just avoided explaining in that much detail because i know ill think i was lying at some point..like..maybe i AM just saying this/blaming it on ocd because i dont want to admit that what i'm thinking is true.
i want to stop thinking like this, and just turn my brain off for once. i always try to tell myself that if i could just NOT think about it, then i can forget about it and it would all be good. but usually that just makes it worse because i overanalyze the fact that i'm trying to push it out of my mind.."those things i am saying must be true if they're bothering me that much that i'm trying to get rid of them."
it's a never-ending cycle. my head literally hurts from all that thinking sometimes.