Disclaimer: This is a long-ass post. I need to get this of my chest, readability be damned.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in recent memory. It started innocently enough. My (now-technically-ex)-uncle recently divorced because my aunt was cheating on him. He and the rest of the family (my cousins and their children) moved here afterward due to some unimportant-to-this-story drama.
His whole branch of the family is absolutely gregarious, and he's evidently met a woman down here already. He all-but-invited him-and-herself over here for a barbecue, which both my mother and I consider a little pushy. (Not to mention given the timing, my uncle's reputation, and the fact that they appear to already be living together there is some cause for concern).
So this broke out into an argument between my mother and my father, and they are both frankly children when it comes to communication. I'm not sure what dad's problem is - you often have to repeat things to him, he tries to talk over you (often on a tangent), and when confronted about it he shuts down with what amounts to "I'm too stupid". Needless to say this frustrates my mother, who has anger issues and ends up throwing a tantrum despite herself.
The end result is there will be no barbecue, but this was arrived at by default, not anything approaching civil discussion. Normally I wouldn't be overly concerned about this - fights like this happen from time to time, especially over last-minute stuff like this, and I don't think it's too much cause for concern in the long run.
But then I found out my cat is dying. Come spring, she usually transforms from an inside cat to an outside cat, climbing as high as she can and basking in the sun. So I didn't find it that unusual that she had been largely absent, and I had of course seen her around and she seemed completely normal.
I had noticed she hadn't been coming in to eat - which isn't all that out of the ordinary, either, but had gone on long enough to concern me. I went outside to fetch her, and when I picked her up she meowed. Again, not abnormal, she's very talkative in her old age. Then it quickly progressed to yowling. It quickly becomes apparent that touching her is causing her distress, and I wind up putting her down and she limps off.
I can't say I was surprised - she's a very old cat and we all knew it was coming. If this had happened any other day, it wouldn't have been such a blow. The fact that she was passing, combined with the fact any attempt to comfort her hurt her and she was in fact trying to remove herself from my presence just struck a chord.
Needless to say, my support network - my parents - weren't any help. I shared the story with my Internet friends, a cadre of seven or eight guys who know me about as well as you can without meeting face-to-face. That did help, and I'm tremendously grateful to know them, but it's not really the same.
Lying awake, I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift. Whatever took my cat from me - old age, undiagnosed illness, whatever - I was unable to help with. We can't exactly afford vet bills, and I would think that if nothing else, if we had, I would have been able to ease her passing. Then I began to think about how many opportunities I was given and either blindly ignored them or refused to grab them.
In all my life, I have never reached out to anyone. I had friends in high school, but they were all so either due to circumstances or because they approached me. I never tried to get closer, I rarely reciprocated in full when they confided me. I was a good listener, which I'm sure was found useful from time to time, but it never occurred to me to take it to the next step. It didn't seem necessary. I assume that, like now, I didn't even know how. After high school, all ties were severed by default.
I graduated ninth in my class. A number of my teachers saw potential in me and encouraged me to do things, and while I did take a few of them up on their offers, I let many more that would have required more commitment fall by the wayside. I was all but hounded to join the National Honor Society, which I refused adamantly because of the added responsibility (and requirements for community service). I even received a scholarship from the school - which was a pittance, but every penny counts.
-
So, basically, this is just a stark realization of what exactly is behind the curtain. I'm not in a strong position and I am so completely ignorant of how to handle anything that I'm paralyzed. It's almost certainly going to improve from here, but that does nothing for the persistent knot in my stomach.
If anybody has bothered to read all of this, I really do appreciate it. Writing it has helped, somewhat.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in recent memory. It started innocently enough. My (now-technically-ex)-uncle recently divorced because my aunt was cheating on him. He and the rest of the family (my cousins and their children) moved here afterward due to some unimportant-to-this-story drama.
His whole branch of the family is absolutely gregarious, and he's evidently met a woman down here already. He all-but-invited him-and-herself over here for a barbecue, which both my mother and I consider a little pushy. (Not to mention given the timing, my uncle's reputation, and the fact that they appear to already be living together there is some cause for concern).
So this broke out into an argument between my mother and my father, and they are both frankly children when it comes to communication. I'm not sure what dad's problem is - you often have to repeat things to him, he tries to talk over you (often on a tangent), and when confronted about it he shuts down with what amounts to "I'm too stupid". Needless to say this frustrates my mother, who has anger issues and ends up throwing a tantrum despite herself.
The end result is there will be no barbecue, but this was arrived at by default, not anything approaching civil discussion. Normally I wouldn't be overly concerned about this - fights like this happen from time to time, especially over last-minute stuff like this, and I don't think it's too much cause for concern in the long run.
But then I found out my cat is dying. Come spring, she usually transforms from an inside cat to an outside cat, climbing as high as she can and basking in the sun. So I didn't find it that unusual that she had been largely absent, and I had of course seen her around and she seemed completely normal.
I had noticed she hadn't been coming in to eat - which isn't all that out of the ordinary, either, but had gone on long enough to concern me. I went outside to fetch her, and when I picked her up she meowed. Again, not abnormal, she's very talkative in her old age. Then it quickly progressed to yowling. It quickly becomes apparent that touching her is causing her distress, and I wind up putting her down and she limps off.
I can't say I was surprised - she's a very old cat and we all knew it was coming. If this had happened any other day, it wouldn't have been such a blow. The fact that she was passing, combined with the fact any attempt to comfort her hurt her and she was in fact trying to remove herself from my presence just struck a chord.
Needless to say, my support network - my parents - weren't any help. I shared the story with my Internet friends, a cadre of seven or eight guys who know me about as well as you can without meeting face-to-face. That did help, and I'm tremendously grateful to know them, but it's not really the same.
Lying awake, I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift. Whatever took my cat from me - old age, undiagnosed illness, whatever - I was unable to help with. We can't exactly afford vet bills, and I would think that if nothing else, if we had, I would have been able to ease her passing. Then I began to think about how many opportunities I was given and either blindly ignored them or refused to grab them.
In all my life, I have never reached out to anyone. I had friends in high school, but they were all so either due to circumstances or because they approached me. I never tried to get closer, I rarely reciprocated in full when they confided me. I was a good listener, which I'm sure was found useful from time to time, but it never occurred to me to take it to the next step. It didn't seem necessary. I assume that, like now, I didn't even know how. After high school, all ties were severed by default.
I graduated ninth in my class. A number of my teachers saw potential in me and encouraged me to do things, and while I did take a few of them up on their offers, I let many more that would have required more commitment fall by the wayside. I was all but hounded to join the National Honor Society, which I refused adamantly because of the added responsibility (and requirements for community service). I even received a scholarship from the school - which was a pittance, but every penny counts.
-
So, basically, this is just a stark realization of what exactly is behind the curtain. I'm not in a strong position and I am so completely ignorant of how to handle anything that I'm paralyzed. It's almost certainly going to improve from here, but that does nothing for the persistent knot in my stomach.
If anybody has bothered to read all of this, I really do appreciate it. Writing it has helped, somewhat.