boyfriend and social phobia

[lildreamer721]

So, was with my boyfriend for 3.5 years but we recently broke up because he felt we needed to work on ourselves to become better people. He had his issues (he can't communicate) but it was mostly my issues that was the problem. I was way too dependent on him and couldn't go one day without talking to him. When he was in town (he lives an hour away) I felt I had to spend every second with him. If I wasn't talking to him or seeing him I missed so much that I felt like I was going to go into a panic. I used him way too much as a safety net so that I wouldn't have to go out in the big, scary world and do things for myself. Well, now we are starting over but with rules (we can only talk a certain amount of times per week, limit the amount of time we see each other, etc). Anyway, the more I think about it, the more it seems that all my issues are kind of stemming from my social phobia. What do you guys think?

 

[thaili]

hey ur problem is just nothing.it is not clear from ur post whether u r a social phobic or not...u just think tht u r so .dont think so much

 

[jamez]

Social phobia and insecurity. Maybe try to become a little more independent?

 

[miss_amy]

sounds like you should be less dependant. I don't know if its your phobia buts its not good. Its a real drain on someone to be so neady and its really bad to depend on someone so bad. What will happen if one day they are not there. It will do you good to be more independant and also the time together will be more special.

 

[Danfalc22]

What do you guys think?

For a start i think its so sweet you obviously care about him that much you cant stand not being round him... He's lucky to have someone who cares so much.Im kinda like that with my gf... if she doesnt txt me back and stuff i worry myself sick and stuff.But it sounds like you guys are being really mature about it and doing the right thing cos no matter how much your bf is there for you and reasures you ect your never actualy gonna get over the problems yaself if you are actualy totaly depending on him?.I mean theres the saying... youve got to love yaself before someone else can

I mean if you love someone... you love them with there problems aswell as everything else,but yeah if you can work on your self esteem/social phobia you wil probaly find your relationship is alot better because your not constantly having to deal with ya problems and can just get on wid being happy,he wont feel as pressured and you wont feel as guilty for putting it on him hopefully and yeah it will just be better all round.

 

[moodygoo]

I always worry I'm getting too dependant like that..
I can't say these 'try to be more independant' comments are that helpful... it is very hard.
Its so easy just to get absorbed in a relationship and not feel the need to bother with anything else.
But your relationship will be way better for you if you can get used to going it alone.. (I'm being a complete hypocrit here) but while you're being reliant on him you're just taking and expecting comfort and it becomes less about just loving each other. What I find hard is finding the middle ground between being completely dependant and not being allowed to expect anything.
Like Danfalc22 said you obviously do care about each other a lot and I hope you sort things out x

 

[nhen]

Not only does it sound like this was his idea, but it also sounds like you're blaming yourself. That said, I think what you're doing is a good idea. You need to stand on your own two feet and not be so dependent. The problem may not be your Social Phobia, but it sounds like it stems from the same root. I don't know you, but it sounds like you need to work on being more confident, secure, and (of course) independent. You need to become more self-reliant. Relationships are about companionship, friendship, and intimacy, but they shouldn't be about neediness. Being with somebody because you "need" them buts you both in a very precarious position.

 

[Danfalc]

Relationships are about companionship, friendship, and intimacy, but they shouldn't be about neediness. Being with somebody because you "need" them buts you both in a very precarious position.

Relationships can also so much more than that and them 3.... and i think needing each other can be one of them.. not as a sole reason but still I dont know how id cope without my gf... i do honestly need her in my life right now.But i do agree with what your saying because yeah even tho you might need someone that doesnt mean there always gonna be there.*shrugs* and then... where have you left yaself.

Its a good point about blame.. it does sound a little like your blaming yourself alot for this,but try not too because your obviously trying hard to sort it and make it work And like in the original post you said he has issues communicating... so it might be that your not being too needy... its just that maybe he doesnt know how to tell you or doesnt wanna hurt your feelings when it does gets a bit much for him.3 years is a long time to be together.. and every couple has its ups and downs and when you throw things like sp into the equation its can get even bumpier.But yeah hope things work out and i think they will in the end.