Anonymous said:
one of the worst things about sa i find is the constant feeling that i am not good enough. its so shallow but i dont go out unless i have an outfit that that looks goood which often takes ages to find and always when im walking around im just thinking argh im ugly. i wish i felt beautiful even i really i looked like a monster but whatever i ireally look like to others, i feel not good enough compared to everyone. i feel fat though i am under average weight, i feel just so unattractive and if i like someonei think oh i'm not good enoug for him or i'm not pretty enough. i hate it so so so much and it stops me going out a lot. sa makes me so materialistic and shallow tho only towards my self
what can i do
As a previous poster mentioned, this is almost surely a case of Body Dismorphic Disorder, a type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I actually have two instances of this disorder. The first is like yours, concerning my physical appearance. This was never serious until the onset of bad acne during high school years. That has mostly ceased thanks to accutane, but that feeling of inferiority, self-disgust, self-consciousness has left a permanent stigma.
People with body dismorphic disorder over their appearance are likely to look in every mirror they pass. Does this sound like your behavior?
I used to do this when my skin was bad, even though I knew it was going to be a painful experience, just because I was so concerned about how others saw me. I still find myself always doing it, and I do it so often I that I have a blurry self-image of myself. It becomes an automatic process that you don't get much out of.
Starting college, after being on accutane awhile, I still thought I looked bad and didn't realize how hard I was being on myself. When this beautiful female acquaintance asked me to be her date for her dorm's dance, I was totally taken aback. I hadn't had interaction with girls during high school (all male HS, thank God, I was so messed up during some of those years). Time of my life during the dance (OK I was drunk I admit it, I coudn't have enjoyed myself otherwise, and it was totally worth it). Needless to say, I subsequently blew the relationship thanks to physical manifestations of my social phobia.
My second instance of body dismorphic disorder is more obscure. I experience a globus hystericus (lump in throat) sensation during social pressure which began around junior high school years and has gotton progressively worse. For a year or two, I tried to combat the sensation by hyperconscious breathing, swallowing, relaxation techniques. However, the best thing I could have done would probably be to take some medication that would get my mind off of it. The hyperconsciousness with that area of my body has resulted in a body dismorphic disorder I have with my throat. Now, whenever I am around people or am in anticipation of a social situation, my throat clenches up painfully and enters the forefront of my attention. This sensation is really defeating, and prevents normal social interaction (it modulates my voice, hinders me from eating and swallowing in front of people, prevents me from relaxing and concentrating, etc
).
When my counselor told me about body dismorphic disorder and that he thought I had one with relation to my throat, he also told me that another very common body dismorphic disorder arises with guys concerned about their penis (size).
